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But it hurts so fucking bad.
"I'm sorry," he says. "I don't want to drag you around."
"I love you." It's the only protest I can manage.
"Let's not get into this again," he says. He strokes my hair again. His touch is so soft, so gentle, so perfect.
It's not the touch of someone who's leaving.
"What now?" I ask.
He pulls his hand away, his gaze hardening. "You and Laurie will have a few days in Hawaii. I'll be back at the house. You're still welcome there." He looks to the far corner of the room. "I'd like to be your friend."
What a shitty set of consolation prizes.
He brings his gaze back to me. There's love in his eyes. I can see it. He still loves me. He still wants me. He's frustrated, but that's it. There's still a chance... he could be convinced.
But not by a bunch of empty promises.
"I'm not going to abandon you," he says.
I'm sure he means it, but right now, it's just another shitty consolation prize.
I nod okay. I'm still welcome in his house, in the spare room, to be around him but not with him. So I can watch him move on to some girl who will actually talk to him, some girl who won't frustrate him, some girl who is everything he really wants.
He squeezes my hand, looking into my eyes one last time. "Call me if you need anything."
If I need anything. What a joke. He's everything I need and he's leaving and he's being so damn sweet about it.
But I nod okay, and I turn my back to him. The sky is still dark. The stars are still bright. The waves are still crashing into the beach.
And I'm still empty.
***
Laurie lets herself into the hotel room. She's quiet, almost like she believes I'm still asleep, like I haven't been lying here all night, staring at the waves crashing on the beach.
She moves towards the bed with slow steps. Then she's half a foot away, inspecting what must look like a horrible blob of blankets.
I expect her to poke me, to pull the covers off with a joyful shriek. But there's only a sigh.
"I have coffee," she says.
She sits on the bed, gently unraveling my blanket cocoon. I roll over and look at her. She shakes her head--I'm sure I look awful--but quickly gets in next to me, wrapping her arms around me.
"What a dick, huh?" she says.
A laugh--the tiniest damn laugh in the world--catches in my throat. It's a good sign at least, that maybe, one day a million years from now, I'll manage something close to happiness again.
"I mean, what kind of asshole calls you at six and begs you to fly, first class, on his dime, to spend half a week in Hawaii with your best friend?"
"It's worse that he's being considerate," I say. "He should have slapped me and told me he never wanted to see me again."
Laurie nods and squeezes me again. "I'll hire someone to kill him."
"He deserves it."
"No, what he deserves is slow, painful torture. How could he invite you to god damn paradise, then break up with you?"
