I took a sip of water, then a steadying breath. “Okay. We started dating. I wasn’t that interested, but he was nice. Earnest. He sent me cute little text messages every morning, and flowers after every date. It was almost too much.” Said the woman who had practically moved in with Kyle and let him take care of me every day. “It wasn’t like us. It was?—”
“It’s okay, Cam. I know what you mean.”
I nodded. I’d been about to go off track, and for good reason. This was the part of the story I’d never told, the one I’d hoped to never have to tell. “After a couple of months, we... It seemed like it was time to...”
“Sleep together.” His face was neutral. Unreadable. But still kind.
“Yes. The first time was normal for me. Difficult.” I blushed. How was this so hard to discuss? Probably because this required context, too. “I’m always uncomfortable getting naked in front of someone at first.”
“I know. I hope I didn’t push you too soon.”
“You didn’t. It was different with you. There was that first minute, but when you offered to slow down or even stop... That had never happened.”
He furrowed his brow. “No one you dated before ever gave you that option?”
I shrugged. “It was probably implied. No one forced me to continue. But no one ever said it. And that’s why I can’t let go the first couple of times with a new guy.”
“By “can’t let go” you mean you usually don’t come the first time you’re with a guy?”
My face burned. “I don’t ever come the first time. Before, I mean. And Scott knew how embarrassed I can get, and that if I can barely handle having an intimate partner see me naked, I’d be mortified if the whole world could see me.”
Kyle’s face remained calm, but he gripped my hand. “That bastard took naked pictures of you.”
“Worse.” The moment of truth had come. I choked out the words I’d never said out loud. “He recorded us in bed together. Having sex. I didn’t know, I swear.”
“Cami.” Kyle jumped to his feet and came to me. He knelt beside me and pulled me into his arms. “Christ, I had no idea. Did he threaten to make them public?”
“Yes.” I pulled away from him. I needed to talk fast, or I’d never finish telling him. He gave me space, but stayed beside me. “After the cabinet break-in, I texted him to meet. Gina told me not to see him. She was worried he was dangerous.But I thought he might have taken the drugs because he had problem. I thought he might need help.”
“Like Lizzie,” he said, understanding immediately.
“Like Lizzie. But I would only meet him in a public place. He agreed to come to the Thirsty Horse. When I told him I knew he’d stolen the drugs, he turned ugly. He told me if I ever mentioned it to anyone, he would ruin me. And then he pulled out his phone.”
I felt lightheaded remembering what I’d seen on that screen. Kyle gripped my arms, keeping me anchored.
“And he threatened to post it,” he finished for me.
I nodded. “He had a list of porn sites he planned to use. He said I’d probably go viral.” I shook my head, trying to forget the video. “My face was fully visible. This is a small town. People would have found out. And the way he’d filmed it.” I swallowed down burning bile. “The shots were raunchy. Gross. There were close-ups.”
Kyle was pale and silent beside me. I knew he thought I was stupid or gullible or deserved what happened for not knowing better, for trusting a sleazeball. I’d told myself those things a thousand times. I braced myself for the onslaught. Wordlessly, he pulled me into his arms.
I sobbed. Months of pent-up shame tumbled out of me. I clung to him, feeling so much better in his arms. Wondering what I would do when I had to let him go.
“Baby, it’s not your fault,” he whispered into my hair. He said it over and over. He held me and rocked me and didn’t let go of me. He meant it.
By the time I stopped crying, we were sitting on the floor, huddled together. We both wiped at my tears, and he reached for a paper napkin on the table and handed it to me.
“Cam,” he whispered, “he violated you. You realize that, right?”
I stared at him, a few stray tears still falling.
“Oh, God, you’ve been blaming yourself all this time.” He took both my hands. “Didn’t anyone tell you it’s not your fault?”
“No one knows. Not Gina. Not even Lizzie.”
He swallowed hard. Tears shown in his own eyes. “Thank you for trusting me with this. That was so brave of you.”
He had no harsh words for me. He didn’t look at me differently. He touched my cheek and kissed me more tenderly than ever. The knot in my chest unwound and for the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe freely.
