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In practice, I spent my entire relationship with Stan worried about where it was going and which one of us cared about the other more. He was a great guy, but it never felt quite right.
I was never myself.
I was never relaxed.
Usually, I only relax when I'm alone with a good book. That's the only time I can shut out everyone else's expectations.
But with Joel…
He motions to my cup of tea. "You want honey in this?"
Dammit, I'm getting stuck in my head here. If this is it, if we are getting a divorce, then I need to decide what I'm doing here.
Either I'm going to enjoy the hell out of the few days I have with Joel.
Or I'm going to pull back enough to keep my heart from breaking into a million little pieces when we part ways.
Either I put my heart on the line or I lock it up tightly.
"It's a complex decision, honey or no honey." Joel takes a sip of his coffee. "I don't want to overload you, but I have sugar too."
"No honey. Thank you."
He nods and hands over my mug.
The tea is hot enough to scald my tongue and sting my throat, but it has that perfect robust flavor. The familiarity is comforting. Even if it burns.
Joel studies my expression. "I want to try something today."
I take another sip. It's still comforting, but it doesn't bring any clarity. "Yeah?"
He sets his mug down. "I want to teach you to play the drums."
Huh? "You do?"
He nods.
"I was kidding last night."
"I know."
"I liked watching you play. The band is great and you were amazing—"
"Shirtless," he offers.
I laugh. "That was a perk." I take another long sip to buy myself time to think. I'm not musically inclined, but it might be interesting to try something new. "Joel, you know, I'm not going to turn into some loose and free rocker chick."
He laughs. "Thank you for the mental image."
It is a hilarious mental image. But— "Why do I feel like this joke is at my expense."
"Imagine me in a suit and tie, showing up to work at a corporate job."
That is funny.
"Saying yes, sir to a boss."
