Made him harder to lie to. He knew the signs too well now.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey.”
He looked at the car, then at me. “How long have you been staring at that oil pan?”
“I was thinking,” I said, dodging the question.
“About Leigh?”
I flinched. “Xan, I don’t want to do this.”
“I know you don’t. That’s why I’m here.” He leaned against the workbench. “We talked yesterday. At the farm. But that was about her. This is about you.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not.” His voice was gentle but firm. “And you haven’t been for months. Long before Leigh showed up.”
I turned away, focusing on draining the oil. “I said I’m fine.”
“Dex, you’re my best friend. I’ve known you for over twenty years. You think I don’t see you pulling away? Skipping dinners, making excuses, showing up late and leaving early?”
“I’ve been busy.”
“Bullshit.” There was no heat in it, just certainty. “Talk to me. Please.”
I kept my hands busy, my back to him. This needed to happen. I couldn’t avoid it any more. But there was no way I could get through this if I had to look at him while I did.
“Do you ever feel like you don’t belong?” The words came out rough. “Like you’re there but not really there?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Every single day for the first year I was sober. Still some days now.”
“But you’re their brother. Really their brother. Blood.”
Silence. Then, “Is that what this is about? You think you don’t count because you’re not blood?”
I didn’t answer. Couldn’t.
“Dex, look at me.”
I didn’t want to, but I turned around.
Xander’s face was serious, his eyes sharp. “Youareour brother. In every way that matters. You think Trace doesn’t consider you family? Booker? Me? Gage? Every significant moment in our lives happened when you were there. You saved us. You showed ushowto be brothers when all we knew was how to be ignored. There would never have been the Farrington brothers without you. You were always meant to be one of us.”
“But I’m not really, though. Am I?” The words I’d been holding back for months spilled out. “I’m the friend. The one who’s always there. But when it comes down to it, when you all talk about family, about the Farringtons, I’m not one of you. I’m adjacent to it. Close to it. But notinit.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” I laughed, bitter. “Leigh shows up, and suddenly there’s another sibling. Blood. Real family. And I’m still just Dex. Good old Dex who helps out and shows up and supports everyone. But I’m not a Farrington. I never will be.”
Xander was quiet for a long moment. “Is that why you’ve been pulling away? Because you think we don’t consider you family?”
“I don’t know what I think anymore.” I rubbed my face, exhausted. “I just know that I watch you all with your partners, your kids, your lives, and I’m still here. Running my grandparents’ garage. Living in their house. Nothing in my life is mine. I didn’t choose any of it. And everyone else is moving forward, building something, and I’m just... maintaining.”
“You’re lonely.”
The word hit like a punch because it was so true and yet it didn’t feel like enough to describe what I was going through.
