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"Fuck, that's amazing." He goes to hug me but the camera bag is in the way. He steps back with an awkward smile then he leans forward.
It's one of those guy hugs where our crotches are a million miles apart.
It's fucking fitting.
He's happy for me.
He loves me.
But he doesn't really need his crotch near mine.
It's not that he's gay. Adam likes women. And he likes sex. Just not enough to actually do something about his difficulty rising to the occasion.
I blink back a tear. God, this is fucked. I still love him but I hate him for all those years. For the constant rejection.
I take a step backwards. "I wish I could stay." Well, I do and I don't. It's hopelessly complicated and impossibly simple. "I have that meeting."
"Of course." He walks me to the door. "Maybe we could get dinner one night after work."
"Sure."
His fingers brush my arm.
I feel nothing.
I lean in for another awkward hug.
There's no heat in our embrace. It's almost impossible to believe we were boyfriend/girlfriend a mere two weeks ago.
It's almost impossible to believe I spent four years, my entire adult life, with this man.
But it's equally hard to believe that I'm leaving now.
I can see his heart breaking again.
I can feel his pain.
I nod one more goodbye and I leave.
I'm numb the entire walk to the car.
But when I climb inside, I feel more relieved than anything.
I'm not in love with Adam anymore.
He's a friend. That's all.
Thinking of him does nothing to speed my heart, even if I replay one of our rare rolls in the sheets.
He's not mine anymore.
And I want it that way.
But it still hurts, not having someone to call.
8
Lacey
