Like my family, who I didn’t want to disappoint—because they were my family.
Like air.
I’d messed it all up. Me. And there were no little voices in my head and no signs from the goddess to prove otherwise as I walked home on the cracked sidewalk and crumbled.
I shoved my key into the lock, only to realize the door was already open. I still couldn’t breathe. There was no sanctuary here. No peace.
There was only the understanding that I wasn’t done working yet today. I didn’t know how to fix this, and maybe I never would. Now, not only was I going to be a disappointment to my coven, but also to Dom, who glanced away from the stove to watch me stagger inside my apartment that he looked like he perfectly fit in.
His phone balanced itself between his shoulder and ear as he talked.
“I know. I didn’t plan on this. I promise I’ll figure it out. I’ll be working remotely on better hours soon.” Dom huffed, his eyes shut.
I cocked my head to the side. I looked at him, leaning back and forth on either foot, pacing in place. After another moment of listening to whoever was on the other line, Dom blinked, catching me staring at him.
“I’ll keep you updated. Yes. Have a good night. Tell them too.” Dom turned toward me, his eyes immediately narrowing.
I’d ruined his life. It was only right that I’d ruined mine in one fell swoop as well. I should say that right now. I should drop myself in the doorway and scream.
Just look! Now, I’m really cursed, right here with you!
Are you happy now?
Only I didn’t do that.
“Ana.” Dom cocked his head to the side as he looked at me from across the room. Whatever he was looking at must not have looked great as he twisted the knob off on the stove and strode over to me. “Ana.”
I put up a hand. I just needed one more second. One more second, and I knew I could do it. I could take a full breath. I just needed to calm down. I just needed another second, and I could at least piece myself back together enough to be better and do what I needed to here, if not anywhere else.
Parting my lips instead of breathing through my nose, I tried to inhale. A hiccuping sound tripped over itself instead. Pressure built in my throat, all the way up to behind my eyes.
“Hey, hey, hey, are you all right?”
I nodded, holding my breath again, fighting for some semblance of control.
His expression of frightened confusion didn’t change as he lifted a hand, as if to hold me up. I had other ideas.
“I just need to, uh …” I squatted down one step in front of the door that was shut behind me. I hunched myself into a ball over my knees, shutting my eyes.
How many seconds did I need to breathe in before I held it again?
I tried three, then four.
“You need to calm down.”
“I’m trying.” I meant to snarl at him, but it came out as more of a whine. I gasped as I tried to inhale again, holding my breath to stop the struggle of it all for just a few seconds before trying again. My ribs felt as if they were going to burst.
“It’s okay.” Dom was down on the floor with me. “You’re having a panic attack.”
I knew I was having a panic attack! Why wouldn’t I just put the whole freaking cherry on top of this entire day? This entire situation? I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do anything. But what did it matter if I was having a panic attack or not?
It was low on my to-do list.
“Ana, stop.”
My eyes squinted at Dom. Why should I still be surprised he was making more demands? I wanted to tell him to shut up and mind his own business. To leave me alone, but I couldn’t get anything out, let alone make sure he knew he should go to hell.
“Stop thinking. You don’t have to look at me, but I need you to breathe right now. Big inhale,” he directed.
