I paused, swallowing my nerves. Holding his shimmering gaze, I pressed on.
“I’m sorry. For misjudging you. For believing a lie. For acting on that lie. I won’t ever know how many Marked have died because of Manmi. How much blood has been shed because of Granmanmi. I’m profoundly sorry for the absolute Hèls my family has put you through. The Anathelles are why you suffer. I don’t know how to fix it. And I’m so ashamed. But most of all, I am so rotting sorry. For all of it.”
I bowed my head in shame, wrapping my arms around myself. I thought of the angels who died because of me. The angels who lost their lives annually due to Manmi’s cruel ideafor a graduation exam. It was nothing more than a culling to decrease their numbers. Then there was Granmanmi’s public humiliation of Quazar.
How long had all of this gone on? Why hadn’t I seen the truth before? And why had Papi not said anything?
I brushed my hands along my scars. This was all so wrong. I hadn’t signed up for this. Trained my whole life for this.
Where was the Infinite? Where was His judgment? Surely our sins in this temple would catch up to us. And if the temple was like this, what was really going on across the empyrean?
“I forgive you, Starling.”
I snapped my head up, my eyes instantly welling with tears.
“It doesn’t make any of what happened okay, but I no longer blame you for the sins of your Manmis. At the end of the dawn, it’s not you. It’s the system that made you. Made me. Let’s be honest, I’m no Saint either.”
I looked at him. Quazar brushed a strand of hair behind my ear, then brought his hand to my chin, keeping our gazes level.
“You’ve been here every dawn, haven’t you?”
“Every last one. Ellabeth, too. She washes you up. Makes sure your hair isn’t a tangled mess. Which is hèllishly annoying. If you only knew what your hair—coily, unbrushed, loose, and free—does to me. But I stayed, each dawn and twinight. I made you a promise, Starling. Even in death, I won’t break it.”
My throat bobbed at the raw honesty. At the truth hanging on every word. We were supposed to be enemies. Supposed to hate and kill each other.
And now, we weren’t just friends. That was too vague a term for this unspoken thing between us. Quazar turned to the small table by my bedcloud, leaned over, and grabbed a glass bowl.
“Word got out about what Kaelthos did to you. Your brother, Ezekiel, came to visit but you weren’t awake yet. Afterraging against the Order, your family got permission to send you some love items from home. Your little sister, Evanae, sent several bowls of these.”
I took the bowl from him. So I hadn’t been losing my mind. Ididsmell my favorite cookies. I sniffed the bowl, fighting fresh tears.
“Thesehaveto be her Toffeedoodle cookies! It has toffee pieces, cookie dough chunks, is filled with caramel, and is soaked in rich condensed milk, finished off with salt and cinnamon sprinkled on top.”
Snatching the lid off, I breathed in the scent of Pasaille. I squealed, leaning back as I kicked my feet while beaming at the full bowl. Baking this much would have taken Evanae dawns to make. What I wouldn’t give to hold her now and squeeze her tight.
“My sweet, sweet, Vava. I miss you so much,” I whispered, staring at the cookies. “Thank you, my heart.”
I bit into one of the chunky cookies, relishing in all the sweet, salty, and gooey flavor. I rolled my eyes in pleasure, tipping back and falling to the sheets as I savored each bite.
“Mmm,” I moaned. I was definitely gorging on these the rest of the dawn. I sat back up and found Quazar watching me. His eyes were ravenous with hunger, darkening to a shade that made my chest tight. My stomach clenched as he leaned in.
“If it’s that good, I want a taste,” he whispered, watching me from beneath his long, dark lashes.
I tried breathing around the thick knot in my throat. He leaned down, gripping my thighs. I fed him the cookie I’d just bitten from. He placed his mouth around my fingers, tugging on the cookie, then sucking on my fingertips, licking both. I hissed with pleasure. With need.
Stars. I wanted him.
When he swallowed, he didn’t pull away.
“That was rotting delicious.”Quazar’s eyes burned.“The cookie wasn’t too bad either.”
Rot. I let out a short gasp, arching into him.
His eyes fell to my mouth.
Mine rose to his.
Then he slowly leaned down, working to close the gap between our lips.
