I knew his report card didn’t meet Father’s expectations. I knew Father had compared him to me again. I never asked for that. I didn’t want the pressure or the spotlight.
Xander did everything he could to get straight A’s. He studied nonstop, but it still wasn’t enough. He was still in high school, but Father had already mapped out his future—pre-med, med school, residency. Every single grade had to be perfect.
Xander could barely breathe under the weight of it.
I looked at my older brother, a tight knot of desperation pressing against my chest.
“Please. What can I do?”
He shook his head again, eyes brimming with tears.
I grabbed his arm and shook it harder than I meant to.
He winced. I must have hurt him.
But I was scared. There was always a pull between the light and the darkness in him, and sometimes the darkness won.
And I was terrified that one day it would win for good.
“Don’t you dare check out on me, Xander! You’re all I’ve got.”
Tears began sliding down his cheeks, and I reached out to wipe them away.
“Don’t cry, Xander. He can’t see you like this. You know how much he hates it.”
But the tears only came harder.
Xander drew in a shaky breath and let it out slowly, like he was trying to steady himself and failing.
“Get out, Sloane...” he mumbled shakily, but his teary eyes stayed hollow. “Get the fuck out!”
Iwoke with a gasp.
My chest heaved. My heart pounded against my ribs.
I stared at the ceiling, trying to breathe. In and out.
But the dream clung to me like smoke.
It kept coming back. It hadn’t been in a long time, but now it wouldn’t stop.
That part of my life I had sealed off and sworn I would never open again.
In the past, I had managed to forget it, to leave it behind, and move on. I had been doing so well all this time, but now I didn’t know if I could handle it anymore. Because it was worse now than ever before. I felt overwhelmed, like I was drowning.
My hand instinctively reached for the space beside me, searching for him.
I needed his warmth.
I needed him.
But then I remembered—he wasn’t here anymore.
The sheet was cold.
The room was colder.
And I was alone.
