I’ve discussed this a lot with my therapist. I’d come to realize that the way we depended on each other wasn’t healthy. We held on so tightly that the fear of losing one another became overwhelming. It scared us so much that we tried to protect ourselves by pushing each other away. Sloane did it with her harsh words and cold distance. I did it by turning to someone else, using her as a crutch, convincing myself it was the only way to escape the wreckage of our marriage.
Now, I was trying to be better for her. She was trying too, and I held on to the hope that maybe, somehow, things could get better between us.
No, I wasn’t going to give up on her.
But I also knew it had to happen on her terms, at her pace.
Still, we couldn’t keep avoiding this. We’d been tiptoeing around it for too long. We needed to talk, really talk. I needed a chance to start over and earn her back, even if that meant accepting that for now she might want me out of her life, and that meant truly living with the reality of our divorce.
I closed my eyes for a moment and prayed I was doing the right thing, that I wasn’t about to blow everything up instead.
“Sloane,” I said, swallowing hard as the nerves began to creep in. “Can you sit with me for a minute?”
She was perched at the vanity, rubbing cream into her hands. When she turned to look at me, something in my face must’ve given me away because her expression changed. She nodded, stood up, and walked over to me.
When she sat down beside me, I took her hand and wrapped mine around it. My eyes stayed on our joined hands. She didn’t pull away. I felt the faintest squeeze from her fingers.
“It’s time for us to talk, isn’t it?” I said quietly, finally lifting my gaze to meet hers.
She didn’t speak, just gave a slight nod. And I understood then—she’d been thinking about this too. Maybe she’d been waiting for the right moment to bring it up, just like I had. But the right moment always seemed to benot today. We’d both been putting this off.
“I’ve done so many things that hurt you, Sloane, and I know that an apology alone will never be enough to make it right. I’ve come to understand that forgiveness, if it ever comes, won’t be easy. I don’t expect it to be. But I’m learning, and I’m trying to shed the parts of me that failed you and become someone who won’t make those same mistakes again. Not just for myself but also for you. Because you deserve that. Because it’s what I want. I want to be someone you can trust again. And I will be better, Sloane. I promise you that.”
She stayed silent, but I felt that gentle squeeze in my hand once more.
“And you know I love you, right?” I said softly, meeting her eyes, hoping she could see the truth there. “With everything I have, I love you more than words could ever say. I am holding on to the hope that one day we can find our way back to each other. That someday, when you look at me, you will see my love for you, not the mistakes I made. But I understand this will not come easily. I have to fight for it, for you. Even if it takes a long time, I’m going to keep trying to prove it to you, whether you decide to be with me again or until the day you tell me you’ve found happiness with someone else.”
Our eyes met, and for a moment we let them speak for us. We both knew exactly how we felt, how fierce and deep our love was. But beneath that love, there was also so much pain. Pain we could not simply ignore.
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot too,” she said quietly. “Therapy helped me realize how much I’ve done wrong to you as well. The hardest part is that I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. I never wanted to let you go, but I know I didn’t make it easy for you to stay. That was selfish, and it wasn’t fair to you. But you stayed. I know you stayed because you care about me so much, and you endured everything I threw at you.”
She paused for a moment, seemingly trying to find the right words for what she was about to say.
“I was afraid of being left behind, and I let that fear take over my life. Even when it hurt me, it was the only thing I knew how to believe in. And then I fell for you. I know I rarely said it, but I did. I do. You filled my heart in a way no one else ever had, and it terrified me. I kept telling myself I could handle it, but the truth is, I didn’t know how. I didn’t do it the right way. I spent so much of our time together pushing you away, convincing myselfthat I didn’t love you enough, until you started to believe it too. Because deep down, I couldn’t believe someone would stay. That someone could feel that much for me to stay.”
She squeezed my hand again, this time tightly. Her eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry, Cam. I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine what that must have felt like for you. All these years...”
She paused, her voice catching as the weight of everything washed over her.
But she pushed through the emotion and said, “I’ve also come to realize that I rely too much on you. Even though I kept pushing you away, I was terrified of losing you. And that kind of fear isn’t healthy for either of us. Right now, I’m not sure if getting back together is the right thing. There’s still so much pain between us, and if we move forward without truly healing, that pain will keep following us. It will linger, casting a shadow over everything. And that can’t be the foundation for whatever we try to rebuild.”
Now it was me gripping her hand tighter. I could see it coming, the words she was working her way toward. I felt the blood drain from my face, a cold rush crawling down my spine.
“So I need to find out if I’m strong enough to face everything on my own. It’s not that I don’t appreciate you, Cam. I do. I know there’s no one else who would’ve stayed the way you did, who would’ve put up with all of it. And there’s no one else I could ever feel this deeply for, truly. But I need to know if I can stand on my own two feet without letting fear cripple me.”
She lowered her head and rested her forehead on my shoulder, as if trying to hide. She was crying, her whole body trembling.
“The fear hasn’t really gone away, Cam. I still feel lost in my own head, like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel. And thisfeeling of being safe... It’s because of you. Not because I’m strong on my own. And that’s not how it should be.”
She pulled back just enough to look at me, then leaned in again, wrapping her arms tightly around me and resting her face in the crook of my neck.
“I’m not saying goodbye forever, Cam. I honestly don’t know what the future holds for us. But if we ever find our way back to each other, I want it to be for the right reasons. I want it to be because we’re both ready.”
She paused, and the silence stretched between us. When she finally spoke again, her voice was quiet and full of effort, as if saying them took everything she had.
“Because we know it’s love, not need, that brings us back together.”
