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“Is there anything I can do?” Ryan whispered.
I shook my head.
Ryan sat back on the couch and sighed. “It’s one of those times when I want to say everything will be okay, that you’ll get through it, and it’ll be alright. But I know what it’s like to lose someone to cancer, and that shit doesn’t help. Nothing helps. You just…become helpless.”
I nodded. “You’re right.”
“But I’m here, even if it’s just to sit with you.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
He watched me for a while, and when he seemed to realize he was staring too much, he dropped his gaze.
“I tried to get Emerson back.”
He lifted his gaze and looked at me again, listening intently because it was the first time I’d mentioned her in a long time. He’d told me to make it work before it was too late, but I never took his advice. “Didn’t go well?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I should have listened to you.”
“We all make mistakes when we’re in a dark place. And you went into a really dark place after the wedding. I wish… I wish I hadn’t invited either one of them. If I’d known it was going to be a trigger like this, I would have done things differently. You were finally happy with a woman who was perfect for you, and I sabotaged that.”
“No, Ryan. I’m the only person who’s responsible for what happened. There’s no excuse for what I did to Emerson. None. I should have pulled her closer instead of pushing her away. Now I lost the love of my life, and I have to live with that regret…forever.”
His eyes turned sad. “You’re sure there’s nothing you can do?”
“I tried talking to her a couple times… She hates me.”
“I doubt she hates you, man.”
I could see it in her eyes. I could see the pain she still carried. I could see how numb she was. “I hurt her far worse than Kevin and Tabitha hurt me, and now I’m looking at a version of myself when I see her. That’s the hardest part. That I shredded her belief in humanity, that I destroyed her soul.”
He dropped his gaze.
“And now I realize she’s the love of my life, always has been, and the idea of losing her the way I might lose my mom makes me realize how fucked up I’ve been. I’d give anything to do things differently. I asked her for an opportunity to prove it to her, but she said no.”
“I’m sorry.” He clearly didn’t know what else to say as he listened to me speak to him like we were in a confessional booth.
“Yeah, me too.”
He bowed his head and turned silent.
I cleared my throat. “Can I have Kevin’s number?”
Ryan lifted his head so fast that his neck cracked. “What?”
“Kevin’s number.”
“Kevin… Kevin who?”
“You know what Kevin I’m talking about, Ryan.”
He immediately looked uncomfortable. “I know you’re in a dark place right now, but chasing him down and beating him to a corpse is not the solution—”
“That’s not why.”
“Then why?”
I breathed through my thoughts, trying to tie them together so they would make sense. In my mind, they were a jumbled mess. “Because I know what it’s like to be truly sorry for what you did…and not get another chance.”
14
Emerson
Derek stopped trying to talk to me.
Sometimes I would see him when I went to the warehouse, and he would lift his gaze to stare at me, sometimes say a few words. But for the most part, he left me alone.
It was a relief.
I couldn’t keep having that same conversation. I’d made my decision, and I wasn’t changing it for anything. It didn’t matter that I still loved him, because I still felt completely different toward him.
I’d stopped dating because that was such a nightmare. There were no good men out there, and I’d rather have a deep relationship with my vibrator and a good porn site. Every man after Derek was a disappointment, and I wasn’t going to waste time hoping the next guy would be different, when they never were.
Lizzie and I were home one night when someone knocked on the door.
My parents never knocked, and we didn’t get solicitors in the building, so my fear immediately went to Derek. I hoped Derek wouldn’t cross that line and come to my home where Lizzie was, but if he was insane enough to try to get back together in the first place, the thought wasn’t completely off the wall.
I checked the peephole.
Fuck.
It was Paul.
He banged his fist on the door again.
“Who is that?” Lizzie asked.
I pressed my forefinger to my lips and silently shushed her.
“I know you’re in there!” Paul yelled through the door. “Give me my money, and I’ll leave you alone. If you think you can be some bitch who uses guys for free food and drinks, you’ve got another thing coming. I want my money. Venmo me by tomorrow, or I’ll come back.” His footsteps sounded on the floor as he started to walk away.
