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“Oh.” He drank from his beer and didn’t ask any more questions about her. “How are your parents?”
I closed my eyes at the question then looked into my glass, thinking about my mother at home right now…bald and tired. “They’re good.” I brought the glass to my lips and took a drink, needing the booze to drown out my sadness.
Kevin stared at me, like he’d picked up on my change of tone. “Can I ask you something personal? You said you know what it’s like not to be forgiven… What happened?”
I wanted to shut him out and keep my secrets. But I knew that wasn’t who I was anymore. No more hiding. No more pretending. I lifted my gaze and looked at him. “That woman I was with…I dumped her when things got tough. My rocket failed, you and Tabitha pissed me off, everything went to shit, and I pushed her away. I loved her with everything that I had, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I dumped her anyway…in a stairwell after the rehearsal dinner. And when she tried to reach out to me, I ignored her. Now I’d do anything to take back what I did. I would do anything to have her in my life again. I caved under all the pressure, and I reverted to the asshole I’ve been for the past ten years. But when I realized my mistake, it was too late. She doesn’t trust me. She won’t forgive me. She won’t take me back.” I dropped my gaze and looked at my scotch, feeling sick with the regret.
Kevin was quiet for a long time. “Fuck…I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” I took a big drink then set the glass on the table with an audible thud. “I know what I did was unforgivable, but if she knew how much I regretted it, maybe she would give me another chance. She still loves me. But that trust is broken, even though I’m a completely different person now. I’ve changed, and I’m not going to change back ever again.”
“Maybe in time, she’ll feel differently. You know, it took you some time to come around.”
“It wasn’t time that made me come around.” I took a moment before I looked at him, prepared to lay the truth out on the table. “My mom has cancer.” It hurt to say it out loud, to admit that my miserable life was a reality, that every moment I wasn’t with her might be the time she slipped away.
He inhaled a deep breath and looked visibly distraught. “Jesus, man.” He shook his head. “Fuck, that’s terrible. That’s just terrible. She’s one of the best people I’ve ever met. She was like a second mom to me. She doesn’t deserve that.”
“Yeah…she doesn’t.”
He shook his head. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You don’t deserve it either. And your dad…”
My dad had already lost himself without even losing her. “Watching my parents go through this made me wake up. It made me snap out of my bullshit. Made me realize that I need to pull her closer instead of pushing her away, because she’s everything to me…just the way my mom is everything to my dad.”
“And that wasn’t enough for her?” he asked quietly, in slight disbelief. “Sometimes it takes a tragedy for people to realize what’s really important to them. We all take things for granted. We all make mistakes. We’re all human.”
I looked down into my glass again, seeing only a few drops left. I pushed it aside so the waitress would return with a refill. My elbows moved to the table, and I looked at Kevin again. “She doesn’t know.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why not?”
I shrugged. “Because I hoped I could make it right on my own. I hoped I could get her back because of the way we love each other. If I tell her the reason I’ve changed, I feel like that will affect everything when it normally wouldn’t.”
“Yeah, I guess,” he said. “But that’s what you needed to realize your mistake. And maybe this will help her understand it’s a mistake not to give you another chance. Life is about perspective. This will completely change her perspective. And if you still love each other, you should forgive each other and be happy together…instead of being miserable apart.”
18
Emerson
Paul never came.
Thank fucking god.
Maybe he got hit by a bus or something.
I couldn’t believe a nice guy could flip like that once he felt he was treated unfairly. He had been a perfect gentleman, but when he realized I lied, he turned into an entitled psychopath. It taught me a lesson I already should have learned—you never really knew someone’s true colors until they chose to reveal them.
I sat in the armchair and enjoyed my wine in front of the TV with Lizzie on the couch.
