The next afternoon I had a session with my therapist. I didn’t have to keep doing the therapy sessions as a condition of my medical leave, but I felt like they were helping, despite all the questions she answered with questions. I’d reduced it to twice a month but planned to stick with it at least until the end of the year.
“I got an email from a legal recruiter the other day.” I wasn’t sure why I wanted to tell her, honestly. Maybe because I was proud of myself for declining the opportunity the recruiter presented without agonizing over it.
“How did that go?”
“The opportunity was with a firm that just opened their Boston office. They’re looking to build out their private equity practice group, so it’s a good fit for my background, but I don’t think I want to go back to a firm.”Maybe not ever. “So I responded right away that I wasn’t interested at this time.”
“How did you feel after you sent that message?”
“Good. Relieved. I haven’t second guessed it. I’m not ready and I think I might not ever be…”
Wendy nodded. “Have you thought about your personal definition of success lately?”
“Yes. I thought about what you said, aboutwhoI want to be. This summer…I’ve felt like I’m getting to know myself again. Who I was and what I wanted before my career became everything, and who I want to be now.”
She raised her eyebrows, indicating I should go on.
“I want to be an optimistic person, someone that lifts up the people around me and makes them feel important. I want to show up and feel present with loved ones. For myself, I want to learn to appreciate simpler things again, keep prioritizing my physical and mental health, and learn to not be so focused on accolades and money as representations of my worth. And I do want to give writing a go. I’m finding that I love it. I wake up every day excited for my day.” I shook my head. “It’s such a strange feeling.”
She gave me the widest smile I’d ever seen from her. “That’s great, Val.”
I felt a surge of schoolgirl pride, like I’d made some progress after all.
She looked down at the notebook on her desk. “Who are the people you want to lift up? Natalie and your other friends, your grandmother, your parents?”
“Yes, all of them. And Luke, my, uh…boyfriend. And his daughter, Luna. The little girl I’ve been watching this summer that I told you about?”
“The one who lost her parents?” Wendy clarified.
I nodded. I’d asked her a few weeks ago about Luna and how losing her parents so young would impact her. Luna seemed well-adjusted now, so loved by Luke and her grandparents, but I worried that someday that wouldn’t be enough to fill the void left from losing both biological parents.
I’d asked Wendy if she thought, in her professional opinion, that this would be the case. She essentially agreed—that at some point Luna would ask more questions about where she came from, and she would feel the grief like it was the first time, once her more mature brain comprehended the loss anew.
“It’s going to be hard on her,” Wendy had said. “It’s going to be hard on her uncle, too.”I’ll help them through it, however I can,I vowed in my head. Nothing had happened between me and Luke yet by that time, but that hope was already there—that I’d stay in their lives.
“You feel good about this new relationship?” she asked now, a hint of skepticism in her tone.
My mind raced through scenes of this summer: sharing confidences, sharing meals, the trip to Menemsha where he told me how he saw me after I said I didn’t know who I was without my job. “Yes,” I said, absolutely certain. “He’s been really good for me. Luna, too. She reminds me what matters in life, you know? It’s been fun hanging out with her, seeing the world through their eyes. Rooting for them, feeling needed.”
Her pen raced over her notepad. “It sounds like it’s been very positive, then,” she said finally. I could almost hear thebutthat threatened at the end of her statement.
“You have qualms?”
Her eyes flashed to mine through the screen. “I think qualms is too strong a term. I just want you to look out for yourself, stay in touch with yourself, you know? You’ve been through a lot, but it seems to me you’re a lot happier, and more comfortable in your own skin, now. Keep in mind that taking on a family, especially one that has been through what they’ve been through, is a big undertaking.”
I nodded. I knew it was. Irritation at the constant reminders of what a big undertaking Luke and Luna were mixed with my own trepidation over the degree to which my life had changed in the last five months. Nevertheless, it just feltright.
“I know. I won’t lose myself. I actually feel like he’s helped me rediscover parts of myself that I like, parts that got buried under my work and ambition.”
“Well, that is areallygood thing.” Her eyes twinkled with encouragement.
And then our time was up.
I went downstairs to fill my water bottle and found Mimi sitting at the kitchen table, a crossword spread in front of her.
“How was your session this week?” she asked. I’d kept Mimi in the loop about the therapy sessions, usually just that I was having them and not necessarily the details of what we talked about. But today I broke tradition.
“Everyone keeps saying—Luke, my therapist—that embarking on a relationship with Luke and becoming a part of Luna’s life is a lot to take on.” I searched Mimi’s face for her reaction, but her expression revealed nothing of what she was thinking. “It bothers me.” I pushed a breath out in an exasperated huff and dropped into a kitchen chair. “I mean, I get it. It’s not exactly what I pictured. I pictured meeting someone a similar age to me that wanted a family but didn’t have one yet and starting that family together. I didn’t picture having an eight-year-old stepdaughter at thirty-one years old. Itisa lot. But…I don’t know. I just can’t imagine anything else now. If that makes sense.”
