Luka’s arms wrapped around me, he held me while I sobbed, tears tracking down his own cheeks.
They didn’t deserve this—none of them deserved this fate—but it had come to them because of me.
If only I hadn’t sought them out, if I hadn’t pushed Silas to let us in that first day?—
“Lennox.” I sniffled as I stared at the smoldering ashes. “It’s not your fault.”
I moved out of his hold, tears flinging from my eyes as I stood.
“But you don’t get it, it is!” I flung out my arms. “You keep telling me things aren’t my fault, but it feels like they are, Luka! I can’t stop myself from feeling like everything ismy fault! This war, the Galtian’s death, every innocent person that has died in this war thus far, that died at our wedding, during the attack on Alethens—your grandfather’s death—I feel the weight of them all. And you can’t tell me otherwise. All of this—you can’t stop me from feeling like this.”
I let the grief I’d been holding off consume me. It crashed over my body like a wave, bringing me to my knees in the snow, a scream tearing from my lips.
Enric.
Caspian.
Oriza.
Arlo.
Warren.
Silas.
Auden.
Malina.
Olexa.
The list goes went and on.
Their deaths—I felt their taint on my soul.
The destruction I’d had a hand in causing—I buckled under the weight. I couldn’t hold it any longer.
“My intention is never to stop you from feeling.” Luka’s hand found my face, tilting my chin to meet his gaze. “That has always been one of the things I love so much about you, how strongly you feel. But I don’t want you to feel those things alone. To feel like you have to carry those burdens on your own. We’re a pair, you and me. You don’t have to carry this alone Lennox, I’m here to help you bear the burden. Do you think I don’t feel those losses too? That I don’t feel that same guilt? But I don’t let those feelings consume me. I don’t let them wreck me, I let them fuel me.”
I finally met his gaze, finding his sapphire eyes glistening.
“Yes, there are going to be deaths in war, there have been already, but you have to remind yourself what we’re fighting for. We’re fightingfor the future of Lethenia. We’re fighting to avenge the deaths that have plagued us.” He brushed his thumb across my cheek.
“Your parents’ deaths, we’re going to avenge them. We’re doing this for them too, Lennox, don’t let yourself forget that.”
“It gets so hard, feeling all this.” I leaned into his touch. “Sometimes I wish I could turn it all off. To not feel so deeply just once.” My chest ached, my head throbbing from all the crying. “I wish I didn’t let my emotions have so much control over me.”
I sniffled as Luka continued to wipe away my tears. “All this anger, sadness, fear—I wish I didn’t feel them all so strongly.”
“But those are the feelings you’re feeling right now. Think about what it feels like to feel joy, happiness,love—you feel those strongly too.”
“They feel so few and far between these days.”
“I know.”
I let the silence settle between us. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling responsible for all of this,” I said softly. “I need you to let me feel that way. I think that’s the only way I might be able to work through this all.”
“Okay.” He kissed my forehead.
