1
The stingof Rafa’s stubble still burns around my lips as the rideshare speeds its way to my boss’s house. But that pain is eclipsed by the whirlpool of guilt spinning through my head.
I should have contacted Ms. Stryker with the bone box right from the start. If I had done that, those teens in cages at the Benevolent Society would be safe. Or at least not facing enraged, injured vampires desperate for a fix of human blood. ButIneeded to be some kind of hero, to be the one to save the day. I needed to prove to myself I could be “good,” instead of a monster.
Now I’m praying that a real hero can clean up the mess I made. And after what happened between me and Rafa, the line between me and my monster feels thinner than ever.
I steal a look at him sitting in the front seat, too big and muscular for anyplace else in the compact car. I swore I would never risk feeding on a human. I’m an incubus. Mom made it pretty clear thatanythingsexual could easilyturn lethal. Even kissing. But turns out my principles get thrown right out the window if I just feel bad enough. Doesn’t matter who I might hurt.
Rafa shifts slightly, folding his arms and narrowing his eyes. He stares down the cold LED headlights that paint the freeway, lost in his own thoughts. When he was a kid, he was told his parents had been murdered. But he’s just found out that his dad is actually a very muchundead, evil vampire. And his job as a Monster Hunter is to kill paranormals like vampires.
Paranormals likeme—which is why I’ve also been straight-up lying to him since the moment we met. Not that it mattered. After we kissed, he let me know he’s been on to me the whole time and might even be cool with what I am. But does he really understand the huge danger I just exposed him to? Or did I simply take advantage of him at his most vulnerable moment?
My jaw clenches tight enough to hurt.
I’ve always hated that I was born with a monster inside me. I’ve fought this part of myself my whole life. But what if none of that makes any difference? What if, in the end, I’m just another predator, like my mom? What if I just can’t help but do evil things?!
A gentle bump against the side of my hand breaks through the swirl of hot shame flooding my tiny brain. I look over to see that Collin has nudged me with the first aid kit I brought. (Or at least he’s created the illusion of doing that in my mind. As a spirit trapped in a pocket watch, he can’t actually affect the outside world.)
“You should take care of those cuts,” he says, concern in his eyes.
My brows are knotted, my lips pressed together. I must look like a crazy man. After a quick nod, I pop open the small white plastic box and grab a pair of tweezers. I start to remove the little glass shards from my right hand. But when I check my skin, the damage from the shattered Molotov cocktail I shoved into Vampire Dad looks better than it did just half an hour ago. The jagged slivers just brush right off. Maybe that’s natural healing, but the thought that I could have actuallyfedon Rafa from our making out cranks up my tension another notch. Either way, the wounds aren’t completely gone, so I dab at them with a wipe. The needlelike bite of the antiseptic makes me wince.
I glance over at Collin as a distraction, and I can’t help noticing how his smooth, pale jaw is a lot softer than Rafa’s. There’s no stubble on his open, kindhearted face. His bright blue eyes gently smile back at me. He seems relieved I’m looking after myself, and his caring expression makes my heart squeeze a bit. Earlier today, I thought we might actually become boyfriends or whatever. Then he encouraged me to give in to my monster. Now I don’t know what we’re supposed to be.
But I kissed Rafa right in front of him. Just one more addition to my long list of questionable choices. Even if he acted like it was okay, that could still have hurt him. And I can’t pretend that doesn’t matter.
The car is cheap enough that the freeway noise from its wheels rattles through the cabin. If I’m quiet, neither Rafa nor the driver should be able to hear me.
“I, uh, wasn’t expecting Rafa and me to kiss…” I start, under my breath. “Are you okay?”
Collin lips part with surprise before landing into a bashful grin. “Yes. Eh, of course I am! You already know I’m not the jealous type.” His eyes flick down, and I can’t help thinking I see a bit of sadness. “And even if I was that way, it’s not like I have any claim on you, right?”
“Right,” I say. Because that should be true.
His face brightens. Warm. Friendly. “I can’t read his mind, but I think he really does like you. You can trust him, if you want to take it further.”
Nice to hear. And not the point.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whisper under my breath. That sounds like something you’d say to someone you were breaking up with, so I add, “I honestly don’t know what I want.”
His gentle smile broadens. “You don’t need to worry about me, Alvin. I don’t have any expectations. I never even thought I’d meet you, and I’ve already experienced more than I ever thought possible. I promise, we’re grand.”
He reaches over for my hand and then stops himself, returning his wrist to his lap. It wasn’t long ago I was biting his head off. He’s not crazy to assume I wouldn’t want him touching me. His cheeks have blushed with peachy warmth, but when he looks out the window, his expression settles into something like serenity.
No expectations.He’s letting me off the hook. And I suppose we could keep things strictly business—him the Avatar of Knowledge, me the owner of the watch—until I can get him free. Or maybe we could just be friends, if that’s what I want. But if I’m being honest with myself, the problem isn’t that I don’t have feelings for Collin—it’s that Ido. All the reasons I liked him before are still there.
I just don’t know what to do about it. And now that I’ve started something with Rafa, I’ve made things a million times more complicated.
Ugh.
My thoughts start to spin again, and I force myself to lean back and take a slow breath. I swore I wasn’t going to be useless anymore, and I’m no use to anyone if I’m constantly freaking out. If things are ever going to get better, I need to pull it together and start taking responsibility. For everything I’ve done. Collin might not think I want him to touch me, but I could be the one to take his hand. It’s what we did in the back seat of the other rideshare.
But my jaw immediately tenses again, because holding hands feels like too much. It brings back the memories of why I pushed Collin away in the first place. When he tried to encourage me to feed on another person. I know he felt he was saving me, but I don’t want to even think about that.
So I close the first aid kit and just let my leg settle against his. When I touch him, his gaze doesn’t shift—it remains on the road outside—but a moment later, his sky-blue eyes shine with contentment.
Even if no one else can see him, his body feels as real to me as always, his thigh solid and warm against mine through his wool shepherd-boy pants. And for whatever reason, being together like this settles something inside me. From the first moment since we stepped into that vampire lair, all my muscles finally relax, the gentle pressure between us an anchor that keeps me from spiraling away.
