“I’m sure, in her case, that’s true.”
“Are you saying it wouldn’t be for me?” I twist my head, trying to see his expression. “If you were ‘flesh and blood,’wouldI have killed you?”
His face is deeply sincere. “Not a chance. Someone physical would likely feel a fair bit knackered, sure, but he’d also feel wonderful.” His eyes brighten. “Just like I do, right now.”
“And… you’re sure of that?”
“100%. You’re not your mother. You’re not her ‘friends,’ either. Their acts of violence aren’t the result of carelessness—it comes from who they are. Is it possible for you to hurt people with your power? Of course. But you’d have to work at it. It would never happen by accident.”
Huh. Based on what I’ve believed all my life, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that. When it comes to sex, I’ve always been made to feel like I’m some kind of ticking time bomb. But I should consider the source—Mom—who is the opposite of trustworthy. Collin, on the other hand, supposedly can’t lie. So, I guess it must be true.
But how?
The possibility that I could have been wrong about this all along pulls open some vulnerable hole inside me. So, I rest my cheek back onto my pillow and pull the Irish boy’s arms into a tighter snuggle against my chest.
“I wasn’t ready to listen before. The last time we were here in my apartment, I mean. But you did stop me from going full monster back in Hunter’s Point, so maybe youcould tell me alittlebit about why you think my demonic powers don’t have to hurt people.”
He huff-chuckles, and it tickles the hairs on the back of my neck. “Well, for one, they’re not actually ‘demonic.’ Certainly not how humans understand that term. Your abilities are based on love. Love can make people vulnerable, sometimes dangerously so, but its main purpose is to lift us up. To become more than we would on our own. An incubus can draw considerable physical power from another person but, when done properly, what their partner gets is just as valuable.”
“And what’s that exactly?”
“A direct connection with the divine. For a short time, they become part of the highest reaches of the universe, for lack of a better explanation, and that creates an opportunity for tremendous growth.”
That claim feels like a huge reach in itself. I turn in his arms to face him. It requires a little awkward maneuvering, but he makes room, and I like seeing his cheery face. Mine is full-on skeptical.
“Uhh, I can believe the sex mightfeelheavenly, Collin, but I’ve seen what happens to Mom’s partners. They aren’t better off. After being with her for just a couple weeks, they start to waste away, like they’re on meth or something.”
“That’s because she gives them nothing. You’re not like that. It’s hard to put into words what you gave me, but it’s a form of strength, too. It’s divine inspiration and hope and… food for the soul, I suppose.”
I cock an eyebrow. “All that from a hand job?”
He laughs. “An absolute belter of a hand job! Don’tsell yourself short!” His eyes remain crinkled, even as the corners of his mouth relax. “Alvin, incubi have gone by many names here on Earth. But I think the best match comes from Ancient Greece.” He raises his brows at me. “They used to call you ‘muses.’”
I blink several times, trying to process that. I’m not sure I can. “You mean, like, those Greek women who would show up to inspire artists?”
He tilts his head, his expression a mix of amusement and gentle correction. “That’s only a small fraction of what they did. And remember, the accounts that survived for the public record were created by male writers, sharing their own experience. Let’s just say your so-called ‘demons’ helped many become great who would otherwise have been small. Incubi were never meant to be predators. They were meant to be like you.”
“But my power can make people do things, terrible things, against their will! And when I look inside, it’s a hungry monster that looks back at me. How can you be sure I’m any different than the others?”
“It’s because Iknowyou, Alvin.” He pulls up my hand and plants a gentle kiss on the back, his stare a little naughty.
“Thatwell? After just two days?”
I then remember our very first conversation, and I tilt my head as the connection is made. “But you knew me from before, because of that question you asked…”
His eyes hold mine with warmth. “Where you were the answer, that’s right.”
“Can I ask you now what that question was?”
“You can… But if it’s okay with you, I’d still like towait to tell you. It really is nothing bad, I promise. It’s just kind of an intense story”—he laces his fingers with mine—“and I want to enjoy this moment with you here and now.”
I can’t argue with that. The exhaustion from before is setting back in, and simply being here with him is what I want, too. The truth is, I’ve already gotten all the answers I need for tonight.
“Okay,” I say. Then I kiss him. Not sexy—just sweet and tender—but the quiet, familiar intimacy says what’s in my heart better than words ever could.
We hug close like that for a good while after—face-to-face on our sides, his calf resting on mine, our warm bodies pressed together, holding hands—before he shifts and rolls around in my arms so I can spoon him. Collin curves in, both solid and soft in my embrace, and his breath swells and ebbs, slow and steady and gentle against me. It’s not long before I start to drift toward sleep, contentment humming in my chest.
I know this moment can’t last forever. I know there’s still a ton up in the air and so much to do. I know some really hard, scary things are likely ahead. But at least for right now, for the first time in my life, I can say something I never could before:
