I’m angry, but I don’t know why.
Head down, I tie up the bag and haul it to the trash outside. Then, I strip the fitted sheet off the bed, ball it up under my arm, and start walking down the road. It’s hot and I’m on bare feet, still wearing my nightgown. My legs itch with sweat. The gravel digs into me with every step.
But nothing is stronger than my anger.
Slap, slap, slap.
My feet eat up the distance to the end of the road. Beyond that lies a fence, a flat pasture, and a river. Up on the other side is a tiny church. They don’t mind when the local kids swim in the river,so they leave the gate open. I slip through and take off running across the field.
How dare he touch me?
I skid to a halt at the edge of the river. It’s higher than it usually is in summer. Moving carefully, I step into the lazy water and wade out until it reaches the middle of my thighs. Stomach turning, I drop the sheet in and watch it soak through. A lump rises in my throat.
I scrub the stain out in the river until it dissipates in the cold, clear water.
I could have said no.
And yet, he should have known better.
Teeth gritted, I wring out the sheet and carry it all the way back to the trailer. Mama is in the kitchen, unpacking some grocery bags from the gas station. She glances at the wet sheet and goes pink, but she won’t say anything about it. She never talks about anything indecent.
“Did Leland leave?” she asks, voice cheery.
“Yeah, and he can’t come back,” I say.
She goes still, hand in the bag. “He’s a Caudill.”
“So what?”
“I don’t think people say no to the Caudills,” she whispers.
My stomach sinks as I realize she’s scared. Regret seeps in. Leland is wealthy, but more than that, he’s got the power to destroy us both. That means he also has the power to make us.
“Della,” she says gently. “I loved your father, but if I’d had the choice, I’d have picked a man with the means to support you.”
My stomach is an ice cold knot.
“A man like Leland can protect you, provide for you,” she says. “Money will keep you safer than love. I won’t always be here, sweetheart.”
I want to crumple, to beg her for a choice. I know a man with money can keep me safe, but what keeps me safe from the man with money? Instead, I lift my chin, remembering how much she’s sacrificed to put food on our table, how hard it’s been for her since my father died.
“I understand,” I manage.
“Good,” she says, a forced smile on her face. “Leland said last night he wanted to come for dinner this evening. Let’s get some bread going so we can have it fresh.”
She cooks one of my favorite meals,and Leland comes all the way from Lexington again to eat with us. He’s an enormous presence in our tiny home. I sit beside him, his hand on my thigh, and wonder why he picked me. There are a thousand other women he could have gone after. He could have found one who wanted him back.
My mother excuses herself after the dishes are done.
“I’m really tired.I need to turn in early,” she says, bustling down the hall. Her bedroom is on one side of the trailer. Mine is on the other.
Leland lets me sit and watch TV with him for a while. Then, his hand finds its way up my skirt.
“Not here,” I say, staring ahead.
“Fine. Let’s go to the bedroom,” he says.
We go,and he shuts the door. This time, he doesn’t lie with me. Instead, he sits on the edge of my twin bed and says he wants me to do something for him. I’m sheltered due to how rural our home is, but I’m not ignorant. It’s obvious what he wants. I wet my lips and get on my knees beside my bed, like I’m about to start praying or something.
