“Wedid! We changed, and I’ll be damned if I lose you when I just got you.” He approached me with such a ferocity that I took a step back. His hands reached out and grabbed my arms, locking them by my side. It fucking hurt, and I knew when he pulled away I’d have bruises. “I refuse to lose you.”
“So, you would prefer to keep me caged? To lock me up? That’s not who I am, and I refuse to turn into an item that you possess.”
His head rested against mine and the silence crushed in on us, on me. I felt the tidal wave take me under as if I can’t breathe. “Damien, I’m going. You know that I’m the best tracker that we have, that I can track.”
“Luka’s a good–“
“But I’m better,” I cut him off, and ripped my arms out of his grasp. His fingers flexed, itching to be on my skin once again. “I’m not having this argument. I’m going and there isn’t anything you can do about it. I’ll be by your side, and we will have Luka and your father there as well.” He looked away, but I grabbed his face and brought it back to mine. “If last night had never happened… If you had stayed at the ball, or escorted my sister toherroom afterward… If you had never come to me, would you still be acting like this?” I didn’t want to say the words, but I already knew the truth and I needed to hear him say it.
No. He wouldn’t be acting this way. We would kick ass like we always had. Nothing would’ve changed and knowing that broke my heart more than it should.
He stood back and jerked out of my hold. “No, but–“
“That’s exactly the problem. This is exactly why I was terrified to be more with you. I can’t have you changing your perception of me just because I’m more to you. I love you, but I refuse to let you clip my wings.” The tears fell before I could stop them.
My mom had told me that once, and it has always stayed with me. She always told me to never be with someone that would clip your wings and keep you chained to one place. If they did, then they didn’t truly love you. Maybe that’s why I never pushed to be more with Damien, because I knew he would hinder me in a way that wasn’t really love–or maybe it was too much love. It’s possible to love someone too much. To love them so much that it’s more like suffocation rather than a breath of air.
I wanted him to understand, and I think that a part of him did, but the illogical part would want to keep me clipped and chained. It was there, waiting in the silence. If he pushed the matter, then he would lose me, and we could never go back to the way things were before. There’s no going back, only moving forward.
He sighed and walked toward me, wrapping his arms around mine and tucking my head into the crook between his shoulder and neck. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right.” His hand stroked my hair in an attempt to calm my beating heart. To my utter reluctance, it worked. I knew they were just words, though. If push had come to shove, he wouldn’t back down and this would always be a fight that we would have.
“You can’t keep me grounded. It won’t work,” I whispered as I held onto him. I felt him nod his head in acknowledgment. “I know, Eva. I know. I’m sorry. I just–gods… I don’t want to lose you. I just got you.”
I knew what he meant, but he didn’t know that some part of me has always belonged to him. I’d never let myself confess it, but I knew it was the truth.
“You have me, okay? You will not lose me.” His hand brushed my cheek, and our lips met. The weight of so many unspoken words and emotions crashed into our kiss, but it quickly dissipated as we pulled apart to get ready for the unknown.
14
EVA
While other troops had already been sent out to assist Angoria, our tracking group left later that night. We didn’t want to travel in the darkness, but the need to approach our target as soon as possible won over any other instincts. Because of the magic that flowed freely through my veins, I could transport from one spot to another, but my companions did not. Since there was no way I could take everyone, we ended up going on horseback. We would make Angoria by early afternoon the following day and needed to take as few breaks as possible.
It was absolutely exhausting and by the time we reached our mark; we were all bickering with each other. Honestly, all of us already had powerful personalities, and throwing us together while we were tired and hungry didn’t make matters better. Thankfully, we were designated a cottage on the outskirts of the woods by the king of Angoria, Magnus.
Magnus was an odd man, very quiet, and always seemed out of place at royal functions. It was not a shock that he didn’t make an appearance at our ball a few days ago. It was strange to think that such a short amount of time had passed since things were so drastically different now, but that’s how time was. Time could change things in the blink of an eye, and all you could do was strive to keep up.
Luka and Damien had offered to go out and hunt for our dinner for the evening, while Orion combed over maps of the area, and I readied for dinner. Under different circumstances, I would have protested being on kitchen duty, but I didn’t trust any of these men to not completely ruin our meal. Besides, I enjoyed being in the kitchen. I wasn’t too well-versed in complicated meals, but I had enough of an ability to not ruin them completely.
Orion was quiet as I bustled around the small kitchen area. Not that I expected much different as his mood had shifted into something more focused the closer that we came to Angoria, but I’d never seen him quite this still before. It set my nerves on edge as I wondered what we had gotten ourselves into.
I almost didn’t hear him as he asked softly, “Are you and Damien truly courting?” His eyes slowly moved from the maps he was examining as I stopped rinsing the pots in the kitchen. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how to answer that question. “I’m not sure,” I admitted to him. It was a weakness that I didn’t like to show, but I knew I couldn’t lie to him either.
“He’s always been a tender soul, especially in his young age,” Orion smiled as if remembering a specific memory. “I suspect he got that from his mother. Gods rest her soul. She was such a docile creature that I’m not sure what she saw in me.” I chuckled at his honesty.
It was a question that I’d even heard my mother and father voice before. Cecelia Carnell was a sweet soul, from what I remember. The fact she was madly in love with someone as eccentric as her husband was something many people had doubted. Just like Orion had voiced himself, no one knew what had drawn the two together. Cecelia though… She kept him in check. As much as anyone was able to, I suppose. I know Damien missed her dearly. She died during one of the first major raids at the beginning of the war. It was unexpected. The Horde came through during the middle of the night. They busted down doors, slaughtering the innocent without remorse. Damien was out on a training mission at the border. Alarms had been raised immediately, and our soldiers sent home. By the time they reached the village, though, the overall damage and loss of life were catastrophic. It had been Orion that walked in and found Cecelia in their bed. She’d never even had a chance. They struck her down without question.
“She loved fiercely, though, my Cecelia. In ways that I never found myself capable of. That love consumed her, especially where Damien was concerned. Although it was different, I knew that if it came down to me or Damien, she would always choose him. He would have no better protector than his mother, even though she was never a fighter.” I wasn’t sure where this story was going, but I sat down at the table near him because I was drawn to it. I’d never heard Orion speak like this before.
I vaguely remember Cecelia. I wasn’t close with her, as she rarely frequented the palace. I wasn’t often allowed to wander through the villages without a royal escort, and that wasn’t my style. The few memories I have, though, all contain Damien. I knew what Orion had meant when he talked about how Cecelia loved her son. It was a blind love. If he had come home and told her he had murdered someone, she wouldn’t hesitate to hide the body. It was unconditional. Damien refused to talk about her, though. I never pushed the conversation. She was such a timid woman; it was hard to see her as a fierce protector. But then again, I had never loved someone so thoroughly before that it consumed me.
“I can see that same passion in Damien. He shows it toward you, and it is an all-consuming type of love, Eva.” He looked at me, examining my reaction. I didn’t have one to give. I already knew that about Damien.
“I know it is.” The type of love he had for me surpassed typical emotions.
“Are you ignoring a mating bond or is it truly not there?” He asked. I was ready for this conversation. Surprised even, that it took this long for him to cut straight to the point. It wasn’t a question; it was an accusation.
“If it was there, then I would have accepted it long ago, but it isn’t. No matter how much either of us wants it to be, I can’t make it happen.” I laid my hands out on the table, almost to make him understand, makesomeoneunderstand that I couldn’t force something to happen. Hell, it would make my life exponentially easier if I could. There would be no more questions or whispers; I would be with him, and everything would be okay.
