I felt out of place for the first time in my life. I was a stranger amongst my family, amongst my friends. I should have been thankful that they brought me home, but everything has felt different since my return. Nothing felt okay, and I was barely holding myself together.
I walked down the corridor slowly on the way to my second meeting of the day. Gods only knew what it would be about this time. This morning, we had discussed our plan to distribute supplies to Angoria. Our councils had worked tirelessly detailing what they would need to rebuild since the attack, and it was finally time to put our plan into action.
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice when I had stumbled upon Damien and Erina. They were across the corridor, leaning on the wall, talking. He stepped closer and brought her into his chest for a lingering hug, his hand running slowly down her back.
My chest tightened, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I watched them. I was angry, but what right did I have to be? Damien and I weren’t together, not anymore. I wasn’t sure if we ever really were. I breezed past them on the way into the council room and called over my shoulder, “Meetings about to start.”
I watched as they jumped apart, Erina waving awkwardly goodbye before scurrying off. They acted as if they had been caught or had done something to be guilty about. Maybe Damien wasn’t so pure to be throwing around accusations toward me then.
I felt a sharp tug on my arm as Damien pulled me back around the corner. “Get your hands off of me,” I snarled. Damien didn’t move though, continuing to keep a vice-like grip on me. “I said, get off.” I finally ripped my arm from his grasp and watched as his fingers flexed in response.
“I–I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” He ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. It was the first time that I had gotten a good look at him since the night we fought. He looked terrible. Murky circles marked his normally golden skin, and his eyes carried a growing darkness in them I’d never seen there before. It was like defeat was already written across his face, and my heart broke for just a moment at the pain he must have gone through.
“Look, we’re going to be late for the meeting…” I began, but he cut me off before I finished.
“No, you’re going to listen to me first.” His eyes met mine, and I saw a flash of that cold, unflinching man that started all of this. It pissed me off everything had changed so damn much. I wanted to shout, to scream to the heavens, to stop this madness. He sighed, shaking his hands out slightly as he continued. “I was angry at you for leaving, for willingly walking away. We could have fought against him. You could have stayed with me, but you didn’t. You said you left to save us, but I think you were just scared because you and me,” he gestured between us. “We had finally gotten serious. You saw an out, and you took it.”
I blinked up at him in surprise.Is that really what he thought?Had all of this really just been some giant misunderstanding? But if that was the case, then why couldn’t he have talked to me like a normal person instead of acting like a godsdamn psycho? Maybe my pride was stopping me from listening to reason, but at the same time I would not back down and apologize just for the sake of an apology. “I’m not a coward. If I wanted an out, then I would have told you directly. None of us were in any position to fight, and we wouldn’t have won in the condition that we were in. I couldn’t even control my magic, Damien. You couldn’t stand. There was nothing that we could have done that would have made a difference. This feels like you don’t respect me enough to honor my decisions. I wasn’t even gone for that long, and nothing happened.”
“Yes, but it could have!” He screamed in my face, and I instinctively stepped back. “You could have died! And no one knew where you were! I was fucking terrified, and you don’t even seem to care!” His breathing was erratic, and his eyes were wild. There wasn’t anything I could say to comfort him. For the first time in my life, I was speechless.
I swallowed slowly, giving myself a moment before I responded. I tried to think of something, anything that might make this easier, but my mind was blank. “I won’t apologize for what I did, because frankly… I’m not sorry, nor do I think I have anything to be sorry for. I did what I had to do, and you would have done the same–consequences be damned. I’m not some petulant child that you can take your emotions out on when you feel like it. You were hostile and rude the night that you brought me back. I didn’t deserve that.”
His body closed in on mine, his arms trapping me between him and the wall. Something about this didn’t feel right. My breathing sped up. I didn’t feel safe with him, not with the feral look in his eyes. I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore, and I couldn’t even imagine what would have happened to him in the short time that I was away for it to trigger such hate in his heart. Surely it hadn’t always been there. I would have seen it before. Maybe the threats against us just had him on edge, but this felt darker than that.
“It doesn’t make a difference. There were ways to avoid leaving, and you didn’t even give me a chance to save you!”
Was that what he was so pissy about?He didn’t have time to play knight-in-shining-armor? Gods above, this was a tiring argument and I was beyond sick of it.
“As for that night, I may have said some things that I didn’t entirely mean, but I needed to know, Eva. I needed to know if he had… If you had…”
I only rolled my eyes in disgust. “I’m only going to ask you one more time, Damien. Do you really think so little of me? I had agreed to be yours and that meant something to me. I wouldn’t have just thrown that away at the first chance. He kissed me once, and I slapped the shit out of him.” His head shot up, and I realized my mistake too late. I should never have said anything. I thought that maybe knowing I put up a fight would ease his mind, but apparently, I only added fuel to his fire.
“He kissed you?” It was nothing more than a whisper, but he was raging under his cool facade. I could feel his body shaking. “And youlethim?”
“Did you miss the part where I told you I slapped him? I didn’t start the kiss, and I didn’t let it last.”
I didn’t, right?
No, you definitely did. But he didn’t need to know that.
I watched the light drain out of his eyes as I spoke. “Damien, I understand you’re angry about everything that happened, but taking it out on me is bullshit, and you know it. I don’t want to be with someone who has so little trust in me.” I had told him that from the beginning. I knew his obsessive personality would overpower me, and it was. Little by little, I could feel the noose growing tighter around my neck, and he would be the one to pull it close and suffocate me.
A horrible smirk crossed his face. “Fine. I don’t want damaged goods, anyway.” He leaned in closer to me and I suddenly felt like I wanted to throw up. The man standing in front of me was a stranger, my worst fears coming to life before my eyes. The air was sucked out of my lungs, and I tried to catch it with gasping breaths. “You just used me, didn’t you? I was the only one that you let close enough. The only one who would stay and put up with your bullshit. Well, maybe you can convince Matthew to dirty your bed next time you send him a letter, because I won’t anymore. I hope to the gods that he was worth it, because I’m fucking done with you, Eva.”
I heard a sickening, but oh so deserved, crunch as my fist connected with his nose. I pushed him off of me and reeled back to strike again, but when I looked in his eyes I was sick, so utterly sick. A disgusted feeling twisted deep into my stomach. Not only about the words he used against me, but he knew about Matthew. He was pathetic, and this wasn’t worth my fucking time.
“Who are you?” I asked him. “What happened while I was away that seemed to irrevocably change you?” My body was shaking in anger, in fear. I wanted to warn Matthew, but I didn’t know how. I let myself find that rope inside my soul and tugged on it, sending as many emotions as I could down that bond, but I got nothing back. I wasn’t sure what I thought was going to happen, but it scared me half to death when I thought about losing him.
He only laughed darkly. “You did. You changed me. Maybe I realized I don’t deserve to be second best to anyone. I didn’t want to have to beg you for your attention.”
“But I was yours! I agreed to be yours!”
“Maybe it was already too late,” he shrugged and walked away, leaving me feeling dirty and alone once again.
* * *
The meeting was calledto order. Orion and Damien took the lead, discussing where our troops were, where they were moving to, and any attacks that had been reported.
