Before I left on my mission, I’d decided to tell you how I felt. I’d worked up a speech, telling you some bullshit about how I could be a better man for you than anyone else you’d ever met. I promise, Ren, you would’ve thought I was insane. But when I walked into your bedroom, you were gone. Matt said you’d be back by the time I was, and I didn’t think anything of it.
Life is cruel, though, because the very next day, I met Arabella. Then, before I knew it, I was married and could hardly bring myself to look at you.
I can’t apologize for loving her, Ren, because something changed inside me with each day that passed in her presence. Knowing what I know now doesn’t negate that, either.
No matter how much I wish it did.
I convinced myself you were better off, just as I’ve continued to do since I thought she died. Does that make me a shitty person? To love two women desperately but in separate ways? To crave you when I shouldn’t?
But I also know that I love you enough to let you go, and keeping you close to me is selfish.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m even writing this down for you when I could walk over to your door and tell you this in person. The simple answer is that I’m a coward. I didn’t want to watch your face fall when I told you that as much as I love you, and please don’t think otherwise, I can’t be selfish any longer.
I need to make a choice, and this is me doing that.
Since the day I thought Arabella had died, my world has been turned upside down, and the only thing that has kept me hanging on has been you. And before you say something under your breath about how idiotic this sounds or that I’m being contradictory, I just can’t bring myself to hurt you any more than I already have.
Once this war is done, I’m going to leave Helia. I need to build something for myself, something new and exciting. But I also don’t want to see the hurt in your eyes everytime I spot you in a room.
This is where I know you’re going to roll your eyes, but if you’ve gotten this far in the letter, maybe there’s hope you’ll listen to me a little longer.
I’ve seen how Damien looks at you, and whether you know it or not, your eyes light up at the mention of his name. Calm down. I know you’re about two seconds from throwing this in the trash and storming down the halls to castrate me, but hold off just yet.
This isn’t me pushing you toward him, but just a reminder not to close yourself to the possibility of love and friendship in the future. Who knows what could happen?
This was probably a mistake, but I hope you know that falling for you was easy and forgetting you will be impossible. So please don’t hate me, even if I deserve every ounce of it. One day, I want you to look back on our time together and smile like I already do. Those moments are some of the best I’ve ever experienced. And maybe, just maybe, you won’t hate me the way I know you do now.
I’m sorry, Ren.
Kalen
I’d re-read the letter so many times that it was memorized and burned into my mind until I saw the words every time I closed my eyes.
The morning I found the letter, Briar found me lying on the cold stone floor. I hadn’t remembered falling, just that I curled myself into a ball and stared ahead at the stone wall.
As she wrapped her arms around me, my emotional dam broke, and I told hereverything. All the haunting ‘what-ifs’ and ‘could-have-beens,’ the highs and lows, and the truth I’d learned after the war was done.
The fact he’d mentioned Damien broke something inside of me, because I knew I could never accept the bond between us. In the rational part of my mind, I knew he had nothing to do with Kalen’s death. He’d only done what he could to keep me out of harm's way. But none of that negated the irrational anger I felt at even the mention of his name.
My eyes drifted toward the window, attention honing in on a raven soaring through the sky. It was beautiful and free, a whole life unburdened by societal expectations and mundane emotions such as heartbreak. I wanted to be that bird.
The letter fell from my fingers, floating to the ground on a wind that did not exist. It barely weighed anything, but I knew the moment it landed. The sound was a death knell ringing through the air, signaling the finality of a decision I had never made.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I hated those two fucking words more than any other. The moment they crossed Kalen’s lips, I knew it would shatter the meaning entirely. Was anyone genuinely sorry when they hurt someone? Or had we simply become desensitized to the word and said it as an afterthought?
My hands drifted to my stomach, nausea rolling through me though I had no food left in my system. It’d been happening more lately, and I knew I needed to eat. I always felt better when I did, and I couldn’t avoid caring for myself even though my world was falling apart.
Not anymore.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I had something—no,someone—to look after now. Like Kalen had written in his letter, the time for being selfish was gone; those were the only words I would take to heart.
Only two people knew the truth; I would do anything to ensure it stayed that way.
Chapter51
