Two simple words, holding such momentous meaning.
My father only used them when he wanted something, when having a son would be advantageous for whatever ploy he had in mind. He never cared, though. Not once. Time and time again, he proved I was nothing more to him than a legacy. I nodded to King Alric as I resolved to ensure that my father’slegacywould crumble down around him.
The king turned away and closed the door behind him. I could hear Briar scolding him as she bustled about, humming a tune between insults.
I glanced at the small mantel clock on the table. We had a little less than three hours until sundown. Eva would have been done ages ago, but I knew she would spend time with her sister until the moment we were sent to retrieve the body.
But she needed to eat, to rest—even if only for an hour. Of course, it didn’t hurt that Briar would have skinned me alive if I decided not to follow her orders, so I left the king’s chamber and searched for my mate.
Chapter7
Kalen
There was too much shit to do and not enough time to do it. At least, that was what I’d been telling myself for the past two weeks as I’d tried rallying Helia’s forces to the best of my ability. Even knowing that, I couldn’t bring myself to rush Eva from her spot beside her sister.
She and Trystan had finished the rites an hour ago, and he’d quickly excused himself. Renai quietly slipped out soon after, keeping a watchful eye on him wherever he went. It was not out of distrust, but none of us knew what effect a century of compulsion would have on a person’s mind. In his fragile state, we couldn’t afford to take chances.
I stayed close to Eva. Not only because of Matt’s order to protect his mate, but because I genuinely cared for her. The horrors from the throne room tormented her, and I knew she had been through hell since Matt had swept her away. She was under immense pressure, not only from her duties to her people, but from carrying the loss of someone she dearly loved.
I understood that pain more than I wanted to admit. Or at least, I thought I had. But then the ghost I’d mourned for over a century had stood in front of me only two short weeks ago. It was still surreal. There was a small part of me that wanted to rejoice that Arabella lived, but to have been working with Lachlan all this time? That wasn’t the woman I knew and loved.
She was a stranger to me.
I looked over to where Eva held her sister’s hand, speaking quiet promises of a better life and retribution. Try as I might, I couldn’t keep myself from listening to the soothing words she spoke. There were regrets between the two sisters, many of which were never voiced, but I was thankful they had the blessing of a handful of days together without secrets tearing them apart.
Eva poured her heart and soul into each word, consequently tearing herself apart with her own grief. Like the loss of her mother, she would feel Erina’s death until she herself moved on from this life. I hoped Eva took comfort in knowing she had support from those around her.
“Do you think the dead can hear us?” she asked, not looking away from Erina. “Do they sense our presence or is that just bullshit we tell ourselves to make us feel better about losing someone?”
I considered her question. “Do you want my honesty?” I asked, moving from my post in the corner of the room.
“Of course I do.”
I sighed, rolling my shoulders. “I think you’ll get different answers depending on who you ask. Matt would tell you yes, since some souls linger behind and he can communicate with them in the shadow realm. Renai would probably tell you no, but I think that has more to do with the fact she hates the idea of ghosts.” I paused as she chuckled.
“And what aboutyou, Kalen? What do you believe?”
I’d never spoken of this to anyone before because I had always tried not to dwell on her death. I had wondered before if Arabella could see me from the other side. Would she have seen the way I grieved and been ashamed of me? I didn’t want to think of what the answers to those questions might have been. But those worries all didn’t matter anymore—not with her being alive all this time. “Well, I believe if something brings you comfort, especially in a situation such as this, then you should continue to do it. I don’t know if anyone on the other side hears what we have to say, or if they even care. Hell, the gods may look down at us from atop their golden thrones and laugh at our pleas. But I know from experience that you can’t live your life in mourning. It will rot you from the inside out.” I tried my best to give her a convincing smile, but the look in her eyes told me I wasn’t fooling her.
She was quiet for a moment before she asked, “Is that what happened to you?”
It was as if she’d aimed an arrow at my chest and shot me with those words. I sat next to her, staring at my hands. They were littered with small scars, wounds I’d never tended to properly after Arabella had died. Reminders of a time when I pulled myself out of bed, only to drink myself stupid and go looking for a fight. “I struggled, you know, after I thought Arabella had been murdered. Her death haunted me more than anything I’d experienced out on a battlefield. I’ve carried that burden for a long time. Guilt ate at me, and I told myself what had happened to her was my fault—that I’d caused her death. Because of that, I’ve kept myself from getting close to someone. So yes, I believe that’s what happened to me.”
Eva’s shoulders slumped as she leaned against the wall. Her head fell back, and she looked at the chandelier hanging above us. “Well, you seem to have turned out alright. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.”
I scoffed, sensing the wall she was building around herself to stop from feeling. “Is that what you think? Come on, Eva. You’re smarter than that.” She gawked at my admonishment. “Don’t give me that look. I have allowed my grief toruinme. Half of the time I can’t think straight because of the mess inside my mind. I have fought to keep my relationships shallow, not allowing anyone close to me. If you’d only met me before, you’d realize how much I’d changed. I had lovers before Arabella, and I’ve had many since her, but no one has gotten my full self since her. It has been a lonely existence—one you do not need to experience.” I shifted to face her. “Look, I’m not telling you to move past the trauma you’ve experienced, but I am begging you not to let it destroy you.”
The only exception had been with Illara, the barmaid from Caelora I’d felt a familiar connection to. Though we’d been so busy lately, it didn’t stop my mind from wondering where she might be or if she was even still alive. There’d been no reports about the small village, and I have no doubt we’d have heard about trade routes being restricted if it’d been attacked.
For a small time after our encounter, I’d wondered what it’d be like to open myself up to someone again, but all of those thoughts had gone out of the window when I’d found Arabella to be alive.
That fiery hazel gaze turned to me, and I felt the depth of her power fill the room. “I do not know how to let it go, Kalen. This rage I feel inside… It feels like a living entity. One that calls for blood and won’t stop until it gets what it feels like it deserves.”
My hand reached out for hers, but she jerked back. “That’s not the rage, that’syou,” I clarified.
“But I don’t know how to separate them.” She pushed off the floor and stood, pacing the length of the room. “I can’t stop feeling, and it’s overwhelming me.” Eva turned around and stared at me. “What if coming back was a mistake? What if I am putting everyone I love at risk by being here when I can’t control myself?”
“We can help you,” I said, trying my best to soothe her. “Matt and I can—”
