“No,” I said, toying with the words in my head. I didn’t want her to worry about me, though I tried not to be presumptuous at where her thoughts may lead. “My job is to make sure you are okay. I cannot rest until I know you are.” I gestured outside. “Besides, I was just getting some fresh air.”
Her eyes glanced over my shoulder, the wind howling in response to a question that hadn’t been asked. “I do not know if I will ever be okay again,” she said, her voice soft and full of pain.
Her words broke my heart. I rushed to her side. She did not look away as I knelt before her, lifting her chin to raise her eyes to mine. I ached to touch her, to show her she would be okay, but that it would take time. “Darling,” I whispered, leaning gently in to brush my lips against hers. If the gods ever granted me anything, I prayed they would allow me this one pleasure. The small intake of breath gave me hope that there was some other emotion inside of her other than rage or despair. “Tell me what I can do. I need to know how to help you with the war you are fighting against yourself. Tell me—”
“Kiss me,” she whispered, her eyes finding mine.
“Eva, I do not think—”
“Kiss me,” she said again, this time her voice stronger and unwavering. Still, I hesitated, not wanting to cause her any more grief than she was already carrying. “Dammit, Matthew.” She wrapped her hand around my neck and pulled me into her, our lips touching and my restraint waning. “Fucking kiss me, and do not stop.”
Her mouth crashed against mine, the force of our kiss nearly knocking me backward. I grabbed onto the bed to stop myself from falling against her. Every instinct was at war in my body, the hesitation from earlier melting away at the way she kissed me. It felt like years since I’d tasted her when, in reality, it hadn’t even been two weeks. I tried to pull back, creating a small amount of space between us. “You don’t want this, Eva. And I don’t want you to regret this because it will kill me.” My voice was hardly over a whisper. The words sounded choked as I struggled to speak. She wasn’t ready for this—her emotions still so raw and full of pain.
She shook her head, attempting to pull me back to her. She clamored against me. I braced my hands on her waist, forcing us apart. The bond beat against my chest, bemoaning the loss of her lips against mine. It wanted her,neededher, like I needed a gulp of fresh air to clear my head.
“Please,” she whispered against my lips. “I choose this. I choose you.” She tangled the two of our bodies together, my arms giving out against holding her away from me. “This is something I can control.” She gestured between our bodies. “You are the one thing that can quiet the storm raging inside my head, Matthew. And right now, I need that more than I can convey. The way I feel inside is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, but right here and now, with you, I can choose this and make all of that go away. Even if it is just for an hour or two.” I was trying so hard, failing to take control of the situation as she drew my bottom lip between her teeth, pulling back as I arched into her touch.
Eva let go, leaning my forehead against hers, both of us panting. Eva’s hazel eyes shone with barely restrained power, though they did not change colors as they had earlier. There was nothing I could do but watch her and relish the feeling of her skin on mine as her hands ran along my shoulders and through my hair. She gripped the dark strands, pulling it taut so my head jerked up. Suddenly, I was staring up at her from my knees. A smile played along her lips, and I knew she enjoyed the sight of me kneeling before her.
She moved gracefully, standing up in one fluid motion. Her hands never left my skin. I followed, instinct driving me to never lose sight of her for a moment, until she stood behind me. I tried to stand up, to pull her into my arms, but she pushed me back onto the bed until I rested on my elbows. I growled, my gaze scanning her body before me. She gave me a sly smile that had my heart racing. There was a playfulness I hadn’t seen in days, a small light to her eyes that I feared was lost. She had put up a mental block, allowing herself to be fully present in this moment with me, and my heart swelled.
The sight of her in only my shirt excited me. She stood before me, slightly demure and blushing. My blood heated, rushing to my cock even as I tried to control myself. Even more so when I realized that if I ran my hands underneath the hem, she would be bare. Gods, I tried to breathe, inhaling deeply in an attempt to push these thoughts out of my mind. There’d been no undergarments to put her in, she’d burned through everything she had. Her nipples hardened beneath the fabric, the soft material showing every curve and dip of her body.
Before I could sit up and grab her, she bumped her thigh against my knee, a silent command to spread my legs. I obliged. She stepped between them, hands trailing over my shoulders and chest, before placing small kisses along the path her hands were tracing. I was barely holding onto my control, the need to throw her down and have my way with her had me clenching my hands in the blankets. I wanted this, wantedher, but I wanted Eva to be whole. The pain in her eyes shone through the desire, and I struggled to reconcile the two. I’d been rash and impatient, forgetting the trauma of her past haunting her present. I needed to put my own desires to the side and remind myself this was about her.
She went down to her knees and looked at me through her long lashes. I could not break the hold she had on me, nor did I ever want to. Eva captured every part of me. She need only ever ask, and I would give her anything. I would crawl across hot coals to give it to her. We had experienced enough heartbreak to last a thousand lifetimes, I wanted to remind her of the good, of the limitless expanse of our love. It knew no bounds.
Seeing her kneel before me was nearly too much—this queen, full of desire, wanting me even through her pain. That primal, dark part of me craved her submission, wanting to ravage her wholly. But the honorable side, the side I thought she needed, wanted to ground her in this moment. To pull her from the chaos of her mind and keep her here with me just a little while longer.
Eva reached for the clasps on my breeches, but my hand shot out to stop her. “Eva, I—”
She quickly batted my hand away, quieting the rational thoughts coursing through my head. “Ineedthis, Matthew. Iwantthis. And you would not dare to deny your mate what she wants, would you?”
Damn those eyes and the way she used them against me. She did not need to, but she knew how to torture me so beautifully. She wanted to see me succumb to my love for her, but I wondered how long this would last. Would it be enough to stop her grief, even only for a moment? Would the peace of our bodies melding together be enough to give her a reprieve from the war going on inside her head? Perhaps this would be a temporary fix, something that sent her spiraling back into the storm of her rage.
“Please,” she breathed, her gaze softening, almost pleading. “I would not… push this if I did not need you. I know you are trying to be a gentleman, but that is not the side I need from you right now.”
I reached out, cupping her cheek in my palm. She leaned into my touch, and it caused me to hope. Hope for a better future than the one we’d been given so far. “And what is it you need from me, Princess?” Eva moved her head, her lips grazing over my fingers before she took my thumb in her mouth. “Fuck,” I cursed as she sucked lightly before biting down.
She released my thumb, running her tongue along the mark she’d left behind before leaning back. “I need the rough, Matthew. I need the pleasure and the pain. I need you to fuck me so thoroughly I won’t be able to walk tomorrow. Even if it is only for an evening, I need you to make me forget.” Her hands skated down her body, gripping the hem of my shirt and pulling it over her head. “I choose you, in any way you can give me.”
She exposed herself to me, every inch of her skin on display for me to cherish and worship. Eva was self-conscious about the way her body looked now. The scars left behind were reminders of the pain she had endured, but to me, they were proof of her resilience and strength. My beautiful, brave mate had withstood the mental and physical torture she was exposed to, and by the gods, she had beaten the odds. Grown men on the battlefield had surrendered for less, but not her.
Not my Eva.
I studied the way she kneeled before me. One could mistake it for a submissive position, but I knew it wasn’t for Eva. Not completely. She controlled every aspect of this night, controlledme. I would do nothing that would cause her pain, at least nothing she did not ask for. I wanted to fight my reaction to her, to let her know that we shouldn’t do this, but I couldn’t refuse her if she asked for this. If this was what she needed in order to put one foot in front of the other, to quiet the monsters whispering in her ear, then I would give it to her.
“You need my rough?” I growled, watching the moonlight spill across her breasts. Her nipples hardened under my gaze, and the sexual need flowed thickly through our bond. Finally, she nodded, worrying her lip as she looked up at me. “Do you want me to fuck that pretty little mouth?”
“Yes,” she breathed. Her arousal flooded the air, sending my senses into overdrive. I shifted closer, picking up her hands and pulling her slowly toward me. I kissed her, drawing out the tension in the air until she was squirming on her knees beneath me. The sight alone nearly caused me to lose control.
Reaching forward, I cupped her face and brought it toward me. The moment our lips touched, we ignited. Our kiss grew more heated until she launched her body at me. With her hands flat against my chest, she pushed me back on my elbows before skating them down my stomach to the clasp of my pants. Moving quickly, she yanked them down, not waiting for me to lift my hips. A look of determination crossed her face as she concentrated on pulling the fabric down my legs. She bit her lip, brows furrowing ever so slightly. Her eyes did not leave mine as she worked. It took everything I had not to chuckle, knowing she could quickly incinerate my cock should she choose to.
I used my feet to toss the breeches across the room, noticing how Eva’s gaze locked on me. She took my length into her hand, her tongue drifting across her bottom lip. Fuck, it was excruciating. And she did nothing more than tease as that tongue reached out to lick my crown, removing the bead of moisture that had gathered there. Her eyes met mine, a wicked smile playing across her lips as she took her time with her mouth.
My hand shot out, gripping her hair at the base of her neck. “Oh, darling,” I moaned. “Two can play these games. I suggest if you want to receive what you have asked for, you put that sinful mouth around my cock and let me use you for my pleasure.” I knew what she needed when she wanted my rough. Not just my body, but my words. If this was the only thing I could do, then I would give myself to her completely. She practically purred at my words, a hum emanating from the back of her throat. “Open,” I commanded.
And she did so beautifully.
