“You do what you always do, Ren. Youpush. I don’t want to be pushed, I want to be left alone. And right now, you’re doing a shitty job at that. You say you want to give me what I need? Well, I need you to leave. Me. Alone!” He slammed his fist against the wall in time with each word, dust and bits of stone cascading to the ground at his feet.
I shook my head, staring at him in disbelief. “This isn’t like you. You’re acting like an ass.”
“Or maybe this is exactly who I am and you’ve been too stubborn to see it. You want to see the best in me, but this is all there is,” he said, swinging his arms wide. “When are you going to get that through your head?”
“I don’t accept that, K. I don’t—”
“Gods, stop! Stop with the nickname, stop with this bullshit.” He turned to me, and I knew his next words were going to hurt me worse than I’d ever been hurt before. “We are not lovers. I’m not Ollie, and you’re not Arabella. We cannot continue to try to fill the voids they left behind or mend the damage they inflicted, because we are two broken fucking people.”
I took a step back, my hand splayed over my heart, bumping into a small table behind me. “I—I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You want me to be someone I can’t. You want me to feel things that I can’t. Don’t play coy now. Let’s get it out in the open, shall we? Let’s finally speak about the way you use me as a buffer so you don’t have to feel anything. But that backfired, didn’t it, Renai?”
“Stop, please,” I said, looking away, but he stalked forward and caged me in.
“Now you can’t turn it off. You can’t stop feeling these things for me that you swore you’d never feel again. And it makes me fucking hate myself that I can’t give you what you want because I am incapable of it,” he growled. Tears streamed down my face, but he did not relent. “I can’tloveyou, Renai. Not the way you deserve. And I can’t give you any part of me because there is nothing left to give. Even if there was, it will always belong toher.”
I pushed at his chest, rage surging through my body. “So you would choose to hold on to the ghost of a woman you used to know rather than love the one who is right in front of you?”
“I don’t have a choice!” he roared, chest heaving. “It’s never been a choice, because if it was, then I would have chosen you! But there is nothing to give you, not that I haven’t already given, and that is not enough for you anymore. I can see it in your eyes. You want more. You want a relationship and love and babies. I can’t go down that path again. I never recovered from the last time. And Damien can’t give you that either, so stop wasting your time on damaged men like us—the ones who will never be able to give you the world.” His gaze softened for a moment, his voice lowering as he continued. “Because that’s what you deserve, but you’re looking for it in all the wrong places.”
The air seemed to thin, and I suddenly couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. No matter how great of lungful I took, it was like shards of broken glass being shoved down my throat. I needed to get out. The room suddenly felt so small. It was closing in on me.
“I c—can’t,” I stuttered, clutching my chest. “I can’t be here.”
Kalen ran his hands through his hair, long strands coming loose and framing his face. “Renai—“
“Stay where you are,” I whispered through the tears. “Don’t you fucking move.” It was everything I’d always known, and yet, that tiny fragment of my heart I’d saved for him and him alone shattered in that instant. I was always honest, telling myself I knew that this would never be anything more. We were simply biding our time until one of us fell a little too hard.
It was always going to be me, and I was a fool.A stupid fucking fool.
I cleared my throat, straightening my back.Don’t let him get to you, Ren. Don’t let him see how badly he’s hurt you.It was too late for that, my emotions were written all over my face, but I wouldn’t let it continue.
I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand and met his gaze. It was tortured, agonized, but I knew he would not change his mind. There would be no coming back from this. We could no longer be who we were before. He outstretched his hand, eyes full of sorrow. If I went to him, I would be done. Demolished.
“Ren,” he said quietly, taking a step forward. That hand remained outstretched. I stared at it as if it would rip me to shreds further. “This got out of hand. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. Let me—shit—let me fix this. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I—”
I refused to listen. For all his intentions, Iknewhe didn’t mean to hurt me the way he did, but it didn’t change what was said. Those words could not be taken back. “Goodbye, Kalen.”
* * *
“Fuck,”I cursed, looking up at the stairs toward the tall tower. I’d had just enough wine to know this was a terrible idea, but also for my inhibitions to throw themselves out of a window. Grabbing the stone wall, I studied the dirty floors. My feet were already filthy from running barefoot through the halls. What did it matter at this point?
The guards studied me as I straightened my back and tossed my curled hair over my shoulder. I shouldn’t be here. I should be in my rooms, taking my ass to bed after what happened with Kalen.
I blamed Eva and Matthew. If it wasn’t for their beautiful ceremony and love-struck fools act, perhaps I wouldn’t be standing here, half-drunk and ready to make bad decisions for a second time in a row. And I couldn’t bring myself to think about the person whose room I’d left an hour ago, though I blamed him.
But if I was honest with myself, I would have blamed myself too.
“Do you need help, Captain?” a sentry asked. I felt his appreciative gaze sweep over me, before he ducked his head.
“I’ve got it. Thanks. Just needed to stop by and ensure everything is well with him,” I said, pointing above. Before the sentry could reply, I hauled my ass up the stairs.
One after another, I climbed, ignoring the ache in my chest that pounded inside like the beating of a drum. It demanded to be felt, refusing to be pushed aside. What was I doing here? Was I that desperate for another person that I would go tohim?
I had my answer as Damien’s door came into view at last.
I stumbled, hitting my toe on the last step and careening into the wood. “Shit! Fuck! Godsdammit!” I cursed, jumping up and down on one foot.
