I stood up, taking a step closer. “Does he know you love him?”
She shook her head viciously, silver lining her eyes. “He doesn’t—It’s not—“ she pinched the bridge of her nose, and I knew I had my answer.
I tipped my head back, understanding dawning at last. “He knows, but doesn’t reciprocate—or at least, not enough to put you first—and that’s why you came to visit my room. You were upset, visibly so, but I told myself you were here because you wanted to be…” I trailed off, a wave of nausea settling over me. “But you came to me because you thought I was a safe bet. You tried to use me to fill that void that he’s torn open. “
“I hate you,” she spat, sneering back at me. If looks could kill, I would’ve died long ago. The woman in front of me bore no resemblance to the one I’d come to crave—the one I’d bared myself to.
It wasn’t only about the sex, although I hadn’t ever experienced anything quite like it before. With her, I felt as if I could breathe for the first time in months, years actually. It was raw and real, but it was so godsdamn powerful that I found myself yearning for that simple pleasure. But Renai was no longer standing in front of me. No, this was the image of a woman who had built walls to protect herself. The one who would rather carve out her own heart than feel something for someone else.
There was something about her that shattered me.
I couldn’t fix her, for she was not broken, but perhaps I wanted to be a source of comfort in her darkest days so she could mend herself when life became too much. Renai was that for me. In all these days I’d been locked here, I looked forward to seeing her, hearing her voice or laugh. She was my bright spot, and that knowledge dug deep into my skin and buried itself thoroughly, so I could not tear it out.
Every instinct told me to let it go, but I couldn’t. My blood rushed, heated, and I couldn’t hold my temper any longer. Not when we’d come this far. Renai took a step back, but I grabbed her wrist, jerking her back to me. She looked up at me, her bright eyes shining with hatred and a touch of fear. The fact I could elicit such a reaction made me sick. Did she think so little of me that I would harm her? But given my past, of course she would fear me. I was sick. A deviant. A disgusting monster who tortured my best friend, and at one time, my lover. My anger only flared.
“You think I don’t know that? You think I enjoy feeling your fury? You think I don’t know you’d rather be anywhere else than here beside me?”
Her eyes blinked, the only sign of surprise she dared show before slipping back into that cool mask of hatred. She pushed at my chest, to no avail. “I don’t know, nor do I care.” When I didn’t let go, she swung at me with the opposite fist. I stopped her before she had a chance to register what had happened. “Let me go, Damien.” Her voice shook.
“The answer isno. I hate myself for how you feel in my presence.” Renai’s body tensed in my arms, but I ignored it, pushing through my self-loathing to utter the words I’d kept close to my heart. “I hate how much I find myself aching for your touch, your tongue, your lips.” I couldn’t help but dip my face close to her neck, breathing in her earthy scent. It reminded me of fresh rain after a drought, of a far exotic beach with the sun shining down and salt stuck to her skin after swimming all day. Renai was intoxicating, sending me spiraling down, down, down into the deepest abyss.
She sucked in a quick breath, her pulse pounding beneath her skin. Somewhere along the way, she’d become as lost in the moment as I was, but I continued. “I hate the fact I can’t hate you in return, no matter how hard I try. Godsdammit, Ren, youconsumeme. Don’t you understand that? And I think I hate the reasonwhyI can’t hate you more than anything.”
Her gaze snapped to mine, sharp and unyielding like a snake preparing to strike. She trembled in my arms as I fought the urge to comfort her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re delusional! It wasn’t long ago you thought the same things with Eva, and look where that landed you. I am nothing more than another one of your fixations, and you need to realize this isn’t real, just as it wasn’t with her.” With a final pull, she broke out of my hold and stepped away from me, giving me a view of her back as she stared into the darkening hallway.
She wanted nothing to do with me. How could I blame her for that? Renai had seen me at my lowest. The screaming, crying wretch I’d become was burned into both of our minds. No doubt she’d heard the whispers of those who knew me before I’d betrayed my kingdom. My heart was a wicked, twisted thing, incapable of caring for anything tenderly. Instead, I was possessive—demanding more and more from others to make up for whatever fundamental trait I seemed to lack. I was nobody and nothing at the same time, destined to waste away in this wretched cell. It was a penance I’d gladly pay.
I smiled sadly, leaning against the wall as I looked down at my dirty hands. “Say it, Ren. Let’s get it out in the open, shall we?”
She turned around, barking a laugh as she threw her hands in the air. “There’s nothing to tell. Perhaps the time here has tricked your mind into thinking there is more to this than there really is. It wassex, Damien.” But her voice shook, a sign she knew the truth just like I did.
“I wish it was as simple as that because godsdammit—” I paused, and she seized that moment of delay.
“Because what?” she snarled, her lip curling ever so slightly to show lengthening canines. The glamour around her slipped bit by bit until I could see the faint glow of her scales along her cheekbones.
I pushed off the wall, storming over to her until we stood face-to-face. “Becauseanythingwould be easier than this! Than wantingyou,craving you until I can’t think straight.” Renai stayed silent, her nostrils flaring as her eyes flashed with anger. “Say it.”
“No,” she said, shaking her head and pushing me away. “It’s clear that keeping you here alone has only given you time to indulge in these ridiculous fantasies of yours.”
I took one step forward, but she took one back. “Say. It.”
Renai ran a trembling hand through her hair, unease dripping off of her. “Why? What does it matter? It doesn’t meananything.”
“It matters to me,” I said softly. “To at least validate this incessant ache of wanting you. Do you know how I figured it out?” She refused to meet my eyes as I stepped forward again. “Because one day, it just clicked into place as I looked at you. I don’t know if you realized it, but you smiled at something I said. It was beautiful and warm, and you looked free from burdens at that exact moment, even though I knew you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. All of a sudden, I realized that the years I’d pined for another woman had led me here—to you. Because you are—”
“Don’t you dare,” she whispered furiously, her eyes lining with silver. “Don’t youdaresay it. It isn’t true.”
I took a deep breath, reaching out to cup her face. “You are mymate, Renai. Whether you like it or not, it’s the truth.”
Violence raged in her eyes as she pushed my hand away before jabbing me in the chest with each declaration she made. “I willneverchoose you, and I will never be yourmate,”she spat the word as if it was poison. “Whatever this was between us? It’s done. I’ve finished my job, and it’s up to Eva to decide how you’ll spend the rest of your days. I couldn’t care less.”
I let out a low laugh, stepping back and sliding down the stone wall. The reality of our situation slammed into me, and I realized how stupid I’d been to think she might have felt the same calling I did. Perhaps I was just as sick as everyone said. “Of course you don’t. Because to you, this is all a figment of my imagination. But tell me something, Renai… The longing looks, the touches that became heated, the way I felt inside of you when I took you—all of that is just in my head, right? Tell me you don’t crave the way we felt together, that you don’t long for me the second you step outside this room, because I sure as fuck do. I miss you when we are apart, and when I slid inside of you? I felt like I’d found my fucking home for the first time in three hundred godsdamn years. Thiscannotjust be me!”
For the first time during this argument, I saw a flash of regret. But any hope I’d held onto flickered out and died as she cleared her throat and said, “Yes. It’s all in your head.”
My head dropped into my hands, the breath I’d been holding left my body, and with it the last remaining shard of dignity I’d retained was shredded with those six words. I heard her footsteps, but couldn’t bring myself to look in her direction. “Damien, I—”
“Get out,” I whispered, my voice deathly calm. “Leave me to rot in this room, and don’t come back.” Every part of my body ached in a way I’d never known, my soul stripped bare and torn into pieces with her talons.
