It’d been hours since Renai fled my room, and I’d felt her absence surround me as I slid down the wall and placed my head in my hands. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d cried, but tears began flowing down my skin, leaving their mark on me before they disappeared entirely.
There was something about her last night that had left me on edge. She’d come to me with agony in her gaze, asking me to distract her, yet I’d refused her. I knew why I’d done it. If I had tasted her as I wanted to, fucked her like I wanted to, there would be no going back. I knew that when I woke up the morning after our encounter with Kalen.
She had utterly and irrevocablyshatteredme.
But I couldn’t help but wonder why. What made her so desperate that she would turn to me instead of her other companions? It’d given me some hope, however fleeting it was, that perhaps she felt this connection with me as I did with her.
I’d stopped the thought of her being my mate from entering my mind, or at least I tried to. It hadn’t worked, though. She consumed my every thought, and since there was little for me to do, it meant there was nothing to distract me.
I’d regretted the words as soon as they’d left my mouth, but it was too late, and we’d both been pushed too far to stop ourselves from lashing out at the other. Still, I knew she was serious about wanting nothing to do with me. So I didn’t blame her—evenIdidn’t want to live another day in my company.
They had what they needed, the information stored in my mind. It’d been playing on a loop since the memories had returned. My stomach churned at the things I’d done, turning my discomfort into pure loathing.
From the moment I woke up covered in Erina’s blood, I wondered what other horrors I had committed. Kalen had quickly given me a scathing overview before shoving me down on the dirty cell floor. Still, his words couldn’t compare to seeing them with my own eyes.
I looked over at the large window, watching a group of birds fly past in perfect harmony. The skies were clear and blue, a soft breeze blowing the leaves of far-off trees. By all accounts, it was the perfect day, but how could I deserve its beauty while I’d done nothing but spew venom on those around me?
Perhaps I should end my suffering once and for all.
No one would miss me. My true father was likely dead. Though, I didn’t care, given what he was involved in. Luka had never visited, and I’d only seen him the night we’d played cards because no one had told him I was coming. Eva’s hate for me could rival my own self hate. And Renai… Well, she never wanted to see me again and seemed to despise me just as much as I hated myself.
I didn’t want to live with myself, not after what I’d been a part of, and it didn’t make a difference to me that I had been under dark coercion. The only thing I’d seen when I closed my eyes was the sharp jabs of my dagger into Eva’s flesh, her cries echoing in my mind.
How long had it been since I felt a breeze across my skin or breathed fresh air? I couldn’t recall, having lost track of time since I’d been imprisoned. Everything had blurred together, culminating in shame, guilt, and the need to prove myself useful.
I’d planned to die in this war, but I was beginning to realize no one would ever trust me enough to turn me loose with a sword. There would be no glorious redemption in my future. I would never be a warrior again, for I was already losing my last battle.
I stared at the land I loved so much that I would die for it. Helia’s stunning beauty had always taken my breath away. I pushed off of the ground, roughly wiping away the tears across my cheek and made my way to the window. It was unlocked, death taunting me with the promise my life could be over in seconds. I wasn’t sure if it was an oversight, or if they had done it intentionally to give me an out if I wanted it. With shaky hands, I pulled the hatch and pushed open the panes of glass. The fresh air washed over me in a matter of moments, causing new tears to fall.
My hands gripped the stone walls, the rough edges digging into my skin. I relished the pain, trying to imprint it on my memory before I ceased feeling anything. It was so close now. Finally, my pain would be over, a strange array of emotions tangling with one another.
I wanted this…Didn’t I?
Because what else did I have to live for in life? I had no family and no friends. The only life I’d ever known was taken away from me by my selfishness, and the thought of living the rest of my existence alone was something I could not bear.
The sound of screaming drew my attention. I looked quickly to the eastern side of the city walls, horror dawning on me as I saw small black dots peppering the area, more flooding in from the hill beyond. I squinted, trying to make out what was happening, when the door burst open behind me. I yelped, losing my balance.
No, no, no, no. I didn’t want it to end, notlike this.
A hand shot out, gripping my own and stopping my descent. I looked up, wondering who my savior was, and confused as to why someone found me worth saving.
Alric Chevalier was standing above me, Eva at his side. His stormy eyes bore into me, a crease forming between his brows as he dragged me back up to the ledge with a great heave. I gripped the stone ledge, pulling myself the rest of the way before collapsing against the wall. My chest heaved, eyes cutting back to where I almost plummeted.
Eva jumped forward, her father trying to hold her back, but she ripped her elbow from his grasp. “What thefuckwere you doing out there?” she hissed, crouching before me and hitting my chest. “Were you going to jump?”
I averted my eyes, knowing she would see the truth if I met her gaze. That seemed like the worst possibility at the moment. I already had her anger, but her disappointment and shame would be too much to bear.
“Well?” she demanded. I remained silent, wishing they never would have walked in. “Answer me!”
“What do you want me to say?” I yelled, my hands shaking. “That I cannot live with myself anymore? That I no longer have a purpose or meaning? That I ruin every single thing I touch?” My head fell to my hands, tight sobs shaking my shoulders. “I cannot do this, knowing the things I’ve done, the atrocities I’ve committed. For fuck’s sake, Eva, I tortured you!” I ran my fingers through my hair, clutching the strands at the root. I relished the sting and wanted to live in pain. “I don’t deserve forgiveness, so for the love of the gods, let me die.”
Eva’s hands slid to my neck, gripping it tightly and jerking my head up. Her green eyes were on fire, a multi-colored blaze bearing down on me. “Listen to me carefully, Damien, because I will only say thisonce. You do not get to quit because you refused to fight the storm. You do not get to leave the rest of us to suffer through your absence.” I gasped, her admitted words terrifying both of us. She hadn’t expected them to escape as they had. The fire dimmed, her gaze softening. “What do you need? My forgiveness? It is done. But only if you help us fight this fight. Helia needs you, Damien.” She looked down. “Ineed you. I cannot do this alone.”
And then she wrapped her arms around my neck, hauling me into a hug I didn’t know I needed or ever hoped to receive. A tiny speck of hope ignited in my chest, and for the first time, I regretted even considering the jump.
“I forgive you, Damien. And I am sorry I did not do it sooner.” Her hot tears splashed against my cheek, both of us a sobbing mess.
I circled my arms around her. “We’re a sorry sight, aren’t we?”
