As I tip-toed down the steps, though, that sense of elation came to a staggering halt as I looked through open barn doors and saw Doug walking out of the house. If you hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t know he’d had a heart attack recently.
Some color had returned to his skin, and he was as ornery as ever—always trying to sneak out to the barn for a ride. Most of the time, one of the girls corralled him back before he made itout there. Although, he’d managed to get his horse saddled last week and was ready to mount up before Josie came storming out of her office looking like a wet hen.
He lifted his hand in greeting as Ruby came out of the house behind him. She looked over, waving before she ushered him into the car. As they drove away, I couldn’t help but feel guilty.
Guilty for feeling like I was going behind Doug’s back and falling for his daughter, for not walking away when I knew better, and finally… Guilty for not knowing if I was about to break Lennox’s heart and lose her for good.
I sipped at my beer,staring at the paper on my table. It’d been a long day, and now there was a thunderstorm raging outside. It’d been going strong for the past few hours, which meant this weekend would be miserable rounding up cattle in the mud. We would have to take extra precautions, extra time we didn’t budget for, but that was part of being a cowboy. You adapted. You made shit work when Plan A went to shit.
After grabbing a quick shower at my cabin this morning, I’d thrown myself into work. The fence was mended, and I’d taken a ride out to check the stock tanks in the back pastures to make sure they were in good standing until we brought the herds in.
My mind was a goddamn mess right now. I couldn’t stop thinking about Lennox and how great our night had been. For the first time, I felt this heavy weight lift off my chest. I could breathe again. The crazy thing was that I didn’t even realize how hard it’d been before. It was a night and day difference.
The last night we’d spent together had ended in a goddamn disaster. It felt like years, rather than mere months. I still hated myself for the way I handled things, hated myself for the things I’d said. It’d taken me damn near a month to look myself in themirror again. I couldn’t see myself without seeing the way I’d hurt her.
Even if she hadn’t said it, I knew. I could fucking feel it.
I’d hurt myself, too.
When I’d spent the night watching her sleep, I’d almost given in. I’d almost crawled into bed, pulled her into my arms, and said to hell with scaring her off. I wanted her. She wanted me. It should’ve been simple, but I’d gone and ruined that for both of us.
So, why was I such a chicken shit now that I had a real chance to turn things around? I felt like I was playing tug-o-war with myself. On one side were my responsibilities and loyalty to Doug, and on the other was my hope for the future and feelings for Lennox.
The two could easily exist together, but I had a mental block I couldn’t get past, so I decided to write a pros and cons list for my dilemma.
Was it stupid and childish? Maybe, but for some reason, I hoped seeing the reasons for both written down would solidify my decision, but it hadn’t—not yet, anyway.
I glanced at my phone screen, sinking back into my chair with a sigh as the screen came up blank.
No notifications.
Since I left Lennox this morning, I’d been checking it obsessively. Lennox hadn’t called or texted once. The heaviness I’d felt before was steadily creeping back in. Had I already fucked this up?
When I brought Titan back to the barn, Strider stood in his stall, staring at me over the wooden door. It almost felt like he was judging me, so I may have tossed him a few sugar cubes to get in his good graces again, but I didn’t think it worked.
He looked royally pissed off the entire time I brushed Titan out and gave him a late supper. I felt his judging gaze the entire time I locked up the barn. I swore he knew what wasgoing on in my head and was silently telling me what a dumbass I was.
Believe me, buddy… I already know.
I tapped my pen against the table, groaning as I stared at the crinkled paper. I’d balled it up and tried throwing it away for the past hour, but had no such luck.
Pros:
- So goddamn pretty
- Smells nice
- Rides like a pro
- Can keep up with me (work shit)
- Keep me on my toes
- Good at sex
- Can’t stop thinking about her
Cons:
