I nodded. “I focused more on working after school, trying to help care for my mom and save up a little for me.”
“What were you saving for?” she asked, running her fingers along my arm.
Something I’d learned over the past two weeks was how physical Lennox was. It wasn’t always a sexual thing, although we spent a lot of our free time tangled in the sheets. But it didn’t matter what we were doing; she always had to touch me somehow.
I was surprised at how much I loved it.
“A truck. We only had one vehicle, and my mom worked out of town. If I wanted to go somewhere, I had to find a ride orwalk. Mostly, it was the latter. I didn’t like anyone knowing where I lived.”
“Why?”
I hesitated for a beat, old insecurities rearing their ugly heads like they did when I was a kid. Lennox knew the kind of life I came from and how it made this place look like one of the fancy European castles she was talking about. “Oak Point Trailer Park,” I said, focusing on the clouds above. “We lived on the back lot, kinda hidden behind the trees. I tried to take care of it the best I could, but it was a lot for a scrawny teenager that didn’t know his ass from his elbow. And Mom, well, she didn’t do much when she was home. She just kinda sat in the recliner and smoked her cowboy killers while watching reruns of some old soap opera.”
I reached for the pack I often stuffed in my pocket without thinking about it. I didn’t smoke, not anymore, but I kept them out of habit. Maybe as a reminder of my old life and what it could’ve been like if my mom hadn’t kicked me out. It was something I thought about a lot, and honestly, it made me a little sick to my stomach.
“Where is she now?” Lennox asked softly, stealing the breath from my lungs.
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
She hummed. “When’s the last time you saw her?”
I’d never spoken about my mom to anyone other than Doug, which only happened once. But if I had any chance of making this work, of maybe understanding why I was the way I was a little bit better, I had to share that part of me. “About twenty years ago.”
Her hand stilled on my arm, but she didn’t take it away or recoil at my touch, so I took it as a good start. “I know that probably seems crazy to you, seeing how close you are with your family, but not everyone has that. I sure as hell didn’t. My childhood wasn’t filled with happy, loving memories but the stingingknowledge of being a disappointment,” I said, blowing out a breath and sitting up. I leaned forward, resting my elbow on my knee and playing with a broken blade of grass.
“I think it was about one year after coming to work on the ranch. Your dad brought me to the feed store to pick up a delivery. We stopped at a diner before heading back and were halfway through our meal when a woman walked by, reeking of cigarettes and cheap perfume. I recognized her by the scent. Had given it to her as a present for Christmas one year.” I shook my head, forcing my voice to remain steady. “I’d heard her talking about it on the phone one day after school. How she thought it smelled fancy and that maybe if she wore it, people would think she had money. So, I emptied my savings and bought it for her. She was so mad. Told me I was a wasteful little shit for spending our money on this when we had debt collectors breathing down our backs.”
Lennox’s nails dug into my arm, but I didn’t look at her. I couldn’t. Not without losing everything I’d held in for so long. Because her heart would break for what was left of mine, and I couldn’t let that happen. That was something I realized she and I had in common.
She put on this front for the world, making those who knew her on a superficial level believe she was this reckless, wild child, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was beginning to realize that Lennox loved fiercely, far more than anyone else I knew. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for those in her inner circle.
I cleared my throat, pushing forward. “She was at the bar, chatting with the cook behind the counter. Things hadn’t changed that much. There were stains on her baggy clothes, holes in the fabric from years of wear and tear. The T-shirt was another gift I’d given her years before. Her hair had more grey than I remembered. It was pulled out of her face, and I could see black smudges under her eyes.
“When she dug into the pocket of her jeans, pulled out a handful of loose change, and began counting it out on the table, I felt so goddamn sick. I couldn’t see much, but I knew she barely had enough for a cup of coffee, let alone a full meal. She was so much skinnier than she was before I left. I felt guilty, you know, for not checking in sooner. Here I was, never having to worry about where my next meal would come from or if the electricity would cut off in the middle of the night because I hadn’t paid a bill.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from coming, lining my eyes and burning as I tried to will them away. “She’d kicked me out, and I hadn’t tried fighting back. And I never thought to check in after I got settled here. She told me she didn’t want me, that I was a burden, a disappointment. That I’d ruined her life. I figured maybe having one less mouth to feed or worry about would make it better, but I think I damned her instead.”
I wiped my nose. “I don’t know how long I watched her, but my food had gone cold when the check arrived. I didn’t have the appetite to finish it anyway, which only made me feel worse after seeing how she’d struggled. When our waitress came over to take our ticket, Doug pulled a fifty-dollar bill from his wallet and told her to make sure the woman at the bar left here with a full belly.”
This time, I couldn’t stop myself. I looked over, noticing that Lennox’s eyes were just as red-rimmed as I was sure mine felt. There were tear tracks down her cheeks, and I hated myself for putting them there.
“When we got in the truck, I lost it. I cried the entire way home. Or so I thought. Instead of pulling to the barn like I thought, he kept driving until we pulled up here.” I gestured to the open pasture. Most of the ranch was flat land with a few trees here and there, but this was one of the few natural ponds left on the property. A small creek flowed into it, keeping the water from going stagnant.
“I really thought he was going to fire me. I thought he’d tell me I wasn’t the man he hoped I’d be and send me packing, but he didn’t do any of that. Instead, he hopped out, lowered the tailgate, and sat on the bench. He patted the space next to me, and we spent the next hour talking about what I wanted in life.”
Lennox chewed on the inside of her cheek. “What’d you want?”
I took her hand, bringing it to my lips for a chaste kiss. “I wanted the things I never had. Stability. Comfort. Peace of mind…” I trailed off, meeting her eyes because she needed to understand this next part. “Love. And god willing, a family to call my own.”
She gave me a watery smile. “You deserve all of that. You deserve more, and?—”
A shrill ring sounded through the otherwise quiet and peaceful spot, jerking us out of whatever faraway trance we’d been lost to. I looked down, noticing Doug’s name flash across my screen. Lennox’s brows furrowed as I lifted my phone to my ear.
“This is Bishop,” I said, shifting my weight.
“Where the hell are ya, son?”
“Sir?” I asked, looking at my watch. It was only half past five. Dinner wasn’t until seven.
