I didn’t often feel inadequate, but I did then. I couldn’t measure up to someone like that. She was perfect. Everything I wasn’t.
As if she could sense the impending spiral, my phone rang. I answered and brought it up to my ear. “Hi, Rach,” I mumbled.
“Oh god, you already know, don’t you?” she rushed out. “Dammit, I really thought I would beat you to it.”
“What are you talking about? Know what?”
“About Grady. I saw the announcement a few minutes ago and was hoping you hadn’t seen it yet.”
Oh, was she talking about the record deal? “Yeah, I went by and visited his mom this morning, and she told me. I’m happy for him. He deserves it.”
Rachel was silent on the other end for a moment. “Wait, what? You’re happy for him? He deserves it? Are you feeling okay?”
I laughed, though it felt forced. “He’s worked so hard to get signed by a label, Rach. Of course, I’m happy for him. I know things didn’t work out between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish him the best.”
“The record deal?”
“Yeah, isn’t that what you’re talking about? His mom said the label called him up and offered him a crazy deal, and he took it.”
Rachel was silent for a minute.“Okay, so we are talking about two different things…”
I settled back into my pillows. “Well, I’m waiting on pins and needles. Why don’t you enlighten me?”
She sighed. “So, I have a Google Alert on him, which can be a bit annoying because that thing is always going off. Seriously, I have to have a separate folder just for them because they keep coming in?—”
“Please get to the point, Rach.”
“Right. The point. So, yes. He did get signed, it was announced today,” she hesitated, blowing out a breath. “But that wasn’t all.”
“What do you mean?” My fingers were wound tightly in the comforter as if I could hold onto my current reality before it crashed and burned around me.
Somehow, I already knew what she was going to say before she said it. It felt as though the world had shifted sometime in the last week, and this was me only now catching up. Though I hadn’t thought I’d read the vibe between us wrong, apparently I had. Apparently, he was just trying to be placating and polite when he said he wanted to catch up.
“Babe… Grady got engaged tonight. It’s all over the news. All over socials.”
My heart was hammering in my chest as I put Rachel on speaker and refreshed his social media feed. Sure enough, there was a new post. It was filled with a bunch of random pictures. It was remarkable how, even in still images, I could sense the happiness radiating from them. He and his band smiled as they signed on a dotted line while someone popped a massive bottle of champagne in the background. There were toasts and spilled drinks, even more laughter. And then there was her.
She was poised at his side, smiling up at him as he rested his arm around her waist. Then she rested her hand on his chest, showing off the massive ring on her left finger. They sealed itwith a smile-filled kiss, both with a demure blush across their cheeks.
It made sense he’d moved on. Why would he want me when he could have her? She was perfect. He would’ve gotten down on one knee for someone eventually. It was inevitable. I just thought it would’ve been later. I never thought about what it would feel like to see it, either. How it ripped open a wound I thought had long been healed.
“Babe? You okay?”
I hadn’t realized I was crying until the first tear fell on my screen, distorting their faces into something as ugly as I felt. I couldn’t help but let them fall. Feeling like this, missing him this much after so many years, couldn’t have been healthy. It was time for me to stop holding on when he had clearly already let go.
I felt so stupid, so foolish, for the hope I felt a week ago. When I left the rodeo, I really thought this was the start of our someday. We’d both grown; that was clear enough to see. And being so close to him, I don’t know, it felt right.
“Cleo, talk to me,” Rachel begged.
“It’s fine,” I sniffed. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Like I said, I’m happy for him.”
“You don’t have to be, you know? It’s okay to be upset. I know it’s been four years, but?—”
“I said, I’m fine, Rachel. Please don’t try to psychoanalyze me. He’s happy. She’s happy. Everyone’s happy.”
“Everyone except for you.”
But that was a feeling I knew all too well. I was used to prioritizing everyone else’s feelings over my own. Why would this be any different? I could compartmentalize, I could shove it down so it never saw the light of day again. Just like I did with everything else.
