‘I can be stubborn about a lot of things. That’s helped me in the past in certain situations. But it’s probably not helpful in every circumstance.’ He dragged a hand across his jaw, dark with a five o’clock shadow. ‘God, I’m making a right mess of this. Look, Lottie. I should never have let you leave like that last week. I accused you of something and then didn’t let you explain properly, and even when you tried, I didn’t listen. That was a mistake, and one I’ve spent the past week regretting, wondering if my pig-headedness has broken the friendship I value most in my life.’ He paused. ‘Has it?’
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, running my hand down Humphrey’s soft fur as he snoozed comfortably, unaware of the emotions tumbling through his owner right now. ‘Honestly? I don’t know.’
I saw my answer register on Seb’s face and tried not to let the pain in his eyes affect me. I hated seeing that hurt but he’d caused me pain too and I couldn’t forget that.
‘All I really did was listen to your dad. I got the impression from him, and from things you’ve said, that he doesn’t talk about feelings a lot. Kind of like someone else… but that’s all I did. I did make the comment about how you both seem to be carrying guilt around, but I never –would never– have said any more than that. Even that came out by accident.’
‘I know that now.’
‘That’s not really the point though, is it?’ Now I’d started, I didn’t seem able to stop. ‘The point is that you didn’t believe me. You just automatically assumed I’d broken your trust, when that’s the one thing I’d never do. And then you made me feel like everything was my fault. Punishing me by ignoring me. Sending group emails instead of talking to me as you normally would and just being so cold and distant. Making everything so different from how we’ve been.’
‘Lottie, I know and—’
‘I made a mistake with you.’ I interrupted.
‘What mistake?’ he asked, his eyes full of concern beneath the dark brows, now drawn together.
‘Letting the lines between business and friendship blur. That was wrong of me and I won’t—’
‘Don’t say it, Lottie. Please. I know I was in the wrong and I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. But I’m asking for your forgiveness. I know I don’t necessarily deserve it, but I need it. I need you in my life, Lottie. I didn’t realise just how much until all this happened.’
31
Seb sat back on the sofa and let a steady breath out, his eyes never leaving the screen in front of him. ‘I built up a barrier around myself after everything happened. I’d always been pretty open before then, but it changed me, and I know I shouldn’t be surprised at that, but I thought once I got back on my feet again, no pun intended, I’d kind of get the old me back. And I did. To an extent. To all intents and purposes, I was friendly and open, but I never really let anyone in again properly. Not in the way I had before. My brother and Olivia persevered, but when you keep shutting people out, eventually they stop knocking at the door, and you can’t blame them.
‘And I ended up doing it with my dad. I was so caught up with my own grief when Mum died, so busy swimming in this sea of guilt I’d created, that I never really acknowledged his. He’d needed me and, in a way, he’d needed me to need him. Not in a do everything for me kind of way, but… it’s hard to explain.’
‘I think I know what you mean,’ I said, quietly, wondering how he’d come to all these conclusions.
‘I’d shut him out, along with everyone else, and having just lost the love of his life, he didn’t really know to deal with me too. So, neither of us did anything. We stayed polite as much as possible. Civil. I’d made it easier to keep that distance, having put a literal one in place by moving away, but, deep down, that wasn’t what either of us wanted. It took me a while to admit that. I thought I was fine. That I didn’t need us to be close any more, and this chasm just got bigger and bigger until eventually neither of us had any idea how to bridge it.’ Scooby’s head suddenly filled the frame, a big eye peered at me before disappearing to lay on Seb’s lap. Judging by the ‘oof’ sound he let out, the lab hadn’t done it in the most delicate of manners.
Seb wriggled a bit, getting comfy around the dog. ‘I’m still learning, Lottie. I know that’s no excuse. But I’m not used to being as open with people as I am with you and I guess it just took me by surprise. I still don’t know how you got behind the defences. I’m normally really careful, but with you it feels like I just left the door open for you to stroll right in to my life… and my heart.’
I watched him, my heart pounding as his words swirled around my brain, and I tried to work out exactly what it was that he was saying.
‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked the phone up this week and started to call you. How many emails I’ve begun and deleted. How many messages I’ve done the same with.’
‘But instead you chose to send impersonal, group emails?’ I raised a brow.
He closed his eyes slowly before opening them again. ‘I know it sounds stupid, but I felt that at least I was in some sort of communication with you that way. Twisted logic, I’m sure, but it felt like if we still had that connection, it meant I hadn’t lost you entirely.’
‘It made it worse, Seb.’
His shoulders slumped, the normally upright bearing he held, even when relaxed, was abandoned. ‘I don’t know how to apologise enough. I know I hurt you. I saw it in your face when I accused you of overstepping the line with my dad and I saw it when you were getting in the car. All I wanted to do was pull you to me and wrap you in the biggest hug I could.’
‘So, why didn’t you?’ I asked, unable to keep the tremor out of my voice as my mind went back to that moment, the squeeze of my heart as real now as it had been then. ‘Why let me drive off thinking you believed the worst of me? The look you gave me? I don’t think I’ve ever seen one so cold and you were the last person I thought would ever do that.’
‘I didn’t because I was stupid, and stubborn and confused. And maybe a little bit scared.’
My eyebrows shot up at this. ‘You? Scared?’
The faintest shadow of humour teased his lips and he gave a little brow raise of his own in acknowledgement. ‘God, I wish I lived closer. I’d much rather do this in person. At least it’d give you a chance to take a swing at me, which is kind of what you looked like you wanted to do when I answered the call.’
‘I’m going to neither confirm nor deny that.’ He smiled at the reply. ‘And stop changing the subject. What were you scared of?’
He took a deep breath then let it out slowly before he spoke. ‘How well you fit in my life.’He sat forward and I heard the dog groaning in protest at having an apparently comfy position disturbed. ‘Lots, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Meeting you, spending time with you, and getting to know you more and more has opened my eyes to a world I’d forgotten even existed. I acted like an idiot. A complete and utter idiot, and I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am, but you have to know how much you mean to me and tell me what I can do to make it up to you. To make this right.’
I wished for once that I was like my sister with her cool, collected personality instead of my slightly more erratic one which meant I was, at the moment, pretending there weren’t tears shining in my eyes and the odd one tipping out onto my cheek. I resolutely ignored it, hoping that if I didn’t draw attention to it, Seb might not notice. The video quality always varied on these things and, with a bit of luck, his end might be on the fuzzy side today.
