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“Ethan was in a car accident.” The words spilled from my lips.
Wait—I frowned. That wasn’t right.
I’d been at a party with Marissa and Angie. It was my turn for the drinking game and the phone pulled me away. For a split second, I thought about ignoring my dad’s call. What did he want? I was having fun, but then Angie nudged me with her shoulder and when I answered, I heard those same exact words. Ethan had been in a car accident.
“Alex.” Jesse touched my arm. His voice rushed me back to the present day. “What’d your dad say just now?”
I frowned again. Why was this so difficult? “My mother.”
“What about her?” He took both of my arms and stood in front of me. He bent low so his eyes were level with mine.
I felt him trying to pull me back, but I wasn’t sure where from.
Then it slipped out. “She tried to kill herself.”
He sucked in his breath and stayed there for a moment. I thought he was going to pull me into his arms, but he didn’t. His hands
fell away. I was cold without him, but then he stepped further back.
“I’ll take you to the hospital.”
I searched his eyes. They were guarded. He had closed me out, but it didn’t matter anymore. I was surprised as I realized that. I didn’t even want to go to the hospital. I’d see her in seventy-two hours. I wouldn’t feel her emptiness for three days, and a part of me was relieved. It was a part that I would never share with anyone.
Jesse touched my arm again. “I’ll take you.”
“Will you stay with me?” I wouldn’t go if he wouldn’t be there with me.
He nodded. His voice gentled. “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”
My heart swelled inside, but I reminded myself that he would leave again. Jesse always left. But his hands were gentle as he ushered me out to his car. When we got to the hospital, he went to the front desk and asked the questions I couldn’t bear to even form in my mind, and then bundled me into the elevator.
I drew in a shuddering breath.
He punched the button for the same floor we’d been on during Ethan’s surgery. My mother was in surgery. What did that mean?
Then the elevator sounded our arrival and we were walking down the same hallway as before. It hadn’t changed. The walls were white and stark. A few paintings were hung, but they were out of place. And they were in memory of others who had died already.
I shivered. I wondered if I donated one, would it be in Ethan’s memory?
“Jesse?”
My father pushed out of his chair. His normally tan face was pale. His features that always seemed charming and charismatic were twisted into a grieving mask, but his eyes lit up when he saw Jesse beside me. Then he had his arms around him and I heard his voice muffled against Jesse’s shoulder, “Thank God you’ve come. It’s real good to see you.”
Jesse’s eyes flashed in confusion at me, but he hugged my father back. When my dad didn’t let go, Jesse gave in and hugged him tighter. After another second, my dad released Jesse, but only to hold him by the shoulders. He shook him a bit. “It’s real good to see you. I mean that. How have you been?”
I saw that Jesse swallowed tears back. His head nodded and then hung.
My dad hugged him again. This time was longer, as if Jesse had been the one who died and came back to life.
After the second hug, Jesse asked hoarsely, “How’s Shelby?”
“Oh.” My dad’s arms fell away. He shook his head and the same hoarseness came to his voice. “She ain’t doing good. She’s in surgery right now. They had to pump her stomach and I guess she swallowed a razorblade, too. After she’s healed up, the docs are going to evaluate if they’ll do the seventy-two hour hold or not. She’ll have to have a worker watch her at all times.”
Jesse looked at me in question.
I flinched as I knew what he was thinking. Why hadn’t I told him before? He knew my mother would’ve shown signs of depression before, but how was I supposed to answer that? We were all sad. We’d been sad for so long. It hadn’t only been her.
I turned away and found an empty seat. Then I huddled in my own corner. My father never once looked at me. When he saw Jesse, his eyes were only for him. That’s when I knew that I’d been right. He loved Jesse more than me. Jesse was his last real connection to Ethan. After a few more hours, as we waited to hear how the surgery went, my dad only talked to Jesse. They hugged a few more times, and then Jesse took the seat beside me. He relayed everything my father told him.
After the sixth hour of being there, the doctor came out. My father motioned for Jesse to approach the doctor with him. And again, Jesse came back to me. The surgery had gone well. My mother would be held for observation and placed under suicide watch. Jesse explained the same thing my dad had mentioned earlier, that a hospital worker would be with her at all times of the day. She would be watched in a one-on-one capacity while she healed until the psychologists felt she was no longer a danger to herself.
It’d be weeks before she would return home.
I knew the instant my father had told Jesse that. The relief in his eyes was unmistakable, and as Jesse explained it all to me, I shared the same sentiment.
I could be at home and not feel her emptiness.
Finally.
I could only feel my own then since my father was rarely home. He spent most of his time at the office, and now I knew he’d spend the rest of the time at the hospital with my mother.
A different sense of numbness settled in me as Jesse bundled me back in my coat. After he hugged my father another time, and after my dad thumped him on the back, with his voice full of emotion as he thanked him for coming, I was led back to that same elevator.
We were leaving again, but this time my mother was still alive. Ethan had died. My mother would live.
I didn’t feel any of it.
When we got to my home, Jesse sat me at the kitchen table. A cup of water was placed in front of me, along with some toast. I nibbled on a piece because he had that determined look in his eyes. When I was done and shoved the plate aside, Jesse sighed, but he took it to the sink and then led me by my hand to my room.
No words were shared as I got ready for bed. At one point, my fingers couldn’t undo my zipper so Jesse helped undress me. Then he found my pajamas and helped me put them on. When I felt the warm cloth material against my skin, my eyes closed. I readied myself. He would leave soon. I looked at the bed. I already knew I wouldn’t sleep at all. But then he took his sweater off and found an old shirt that he had left the first time we’d been together. He slipped it over his head and undid his pants. When he saw that I was staring, he gave me a crooked grin.
“You thought I was going to leave?”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak. I hadn’t been able to since the phone call.
Then he cupped both sides of my face and stepped close. He lifted my head so I met his gaze. They sparkled in the moonlight as he promised, “I will stay as long as you need me.”
I choked out, my voice raw and painful, “I thought you’d leave. There’s a lot of feeling tonight.”
His thumb brushed over my cheek. It was a tender gesture. “Not for you. You turned it off tonight, didn’t you?”
Then the tears came. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t know what unleashed them, but they fell free like a waterfall.
Jesse cursed under his breath, but held me against him. He rocked me back and forth for awhile until he picked me up and laid me in bed. I fell asleep tucked in his arms with more tears on my cheeks. Sometime during the night, I woke. The tears had dried on my face, but I brushed them away and found that I was alone in the bed.
An eerie feeling came over me and I left for the hallway. The bathroom was empty; there were no lights on in the house, but I already knew where he was. I stopped outside of Ethan’s bedroom. The door was open and I saw Jesse on the edge of his bed. He cradled his head in his hands. They were propped on his knees, and his shoulders shook. There was no sound, but I knew he was sobbing.
My heart broke then. I thought I’d been broken already, but it splintered apart again. Then I stopped thinking and went inside. As Jesse had comforted me before, I did the same. I lifted his head and slid between his arms. And then he stiffened for a second before he lifted me on his lap. My legs parted and I straddled him instead. Desire burst forth in me when I saw the heat in his eyes. He didn’t want comfort. He wanted to forget.
His hands cupped my legs. He pulled me tight and ground into me. My chest was pressed against his and my lips parted for him. And then we both forgot together.
CHAPTER TEN
We woke around nine the next morning. I was the first to wake. I couldn’t stay in bed any longer; too many memories haunted me because of the night before, so I got out of bed. When I came back from showering, I saw that Jesse was dressed. As we bypassed the kitchen, I thought about making coffee, but Jesse touched my arm.
“I’ll make some at my place for you.”
And that was that. We went to get my
car, which had been left alone. Thank goodness. And I followed Jesse back to his house. When he drove into the basement parking area, I waited and drove up the
