“Yeah, some shit I need to take care of.”
She didn’t look convinced but quickly checked herself from caring too much. “Cool… see you.”
I could have corrected it, told her why I was leaving, but we weren’t there yet. In due time, I would be able to open up to my baby and show her what my life was really about.
CHAPTER 4
ZOYA
I watchedas Gerald dapped Quasim and Cappadonna before getting on his bike and heading off the block. I didn’t miss how he looked at his phone, shook his head, and then decided to leave. After the situation with his parole officer, I never knew what Gerald was into with women. Did he have a situation with another woman that he was keeping tucked away from me? He had been chasing behind me, but maybe this was all an act.
Something to do.
He did have a situation going with his parole officer, which ended up with his ass going back to prison. When he called me, I wanted to slap his ass upside the head. I had a soft spot for Gerald, and my heart and mind were constantly at war about it.
I felt weak if I allowed him to know that I had feelings for him. It almost felt like I was letting myself down by admitting that I could possibly let a man in. Sigel didn’t count because my feelings did grow, but I already knew how to deal with him.
Shit.
It sounded crazy that I was even trying for a baby and had miscarried one from him. Even though I knew better, I stillwanted a child. Why would I waste money at a sperm bank when I had a man lying beside me nearly every night?
If shit went left and my brother killed Sigel, at least I had a baby out of it. I was prepared to be a single mother and raise a child. Secretly, that was the reason I adopted Bando. I needed to prove to myself that I could love and care for someone, or something other than myself. There was this deep yearning to become a mother, and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.
One day, I woke up and realized just having a relationship wasn’t enough. Spending all my time alone wasn’t enough for me and I craved something.
Someone.
A little me that looked into my eyes and would never turn their back on me. A mother’s love was one of the strongest loves in the world, and I knew I could be that. The voice in the back of my head told me that I would be a shitty mother.
“You alright over there?” Blair nudged me gently, causing me to snap out the daze I had been in.
Gerald was long gone and both Quasim and Cappadonna were now crossing the street. “Yeah. Are you alright?”
Blair took a moment and didn’t rush to speak. “Why do you do that, Zoy?”
“What are you talking about?” I tried to brush the conversation I had been avoiding having with both Capri and Blair.
It was easy to brush things off when they were focused on their families, and Quasim healing. Both of them were pregnant so their focus was different, and I appreciated that. I liked to sit in my own feelings and deal with things alone.
“Brushing off the fact that you’re not alright like you’re pretending. Zoya, I know when someone isn’t alright. I’ve been there.” She held my hand and smiled at me.
“B, I promise that I am alright. Just stressed from work… that is all.” I lied right through my teeth.
It had become easier to lie to the people that cared about me. When Don questioned if I was alright, I could always put it onto work, and he would ease up on me. Work was stressful and I did have a full plate, but my life felt so pointless.
What was my reason for getting up every morning? I had worked so hard to get away from that space I used to be in, so hard to fight my way out of feeling how I had been feeling lately. Depression was like fighting the darkness with a blind fold.
“You sure, Zoya?”
“Yes… I’m sure.” I laughed, putting on an Emmy winning smile to convince one of my best friends that I was alright.
Quasim held the door open for us as we entered the tattoo shop. Havoc dried his hands, as he walked over toward the small stool he would be sitting on.
Everyone was quiet as Havoc put gloves on and got everything prepared. Capri plopped down in the chair, as Ryder stood beside her. Meer came over and sat on the stool next to Ryder, as they watched Capri.
Cappadonna and Capone had finally finished their squabbling outside and were standing nearby. Erin and Alaia stood near their husbands, while Yasin, Kincaid, and Wylie stood on the other side.
Quasim stood next to his wife, as he looked on at his sister-in-law. Capri was officially becoming an Inferno Goddess, Lady Inferno. It was a title she had earned, and it wasn’t given to her. She had gotten out in those same streets and held her own like the men.
