He shakes his head and stands up, taking the half-finished plate to the garbage disposal and stuffing the leftover pancakes and strawberries in with a fork.
“Rowan,” Nix says as he wraps his arms around his waist, his firm, round belly pressing below his butt. One of the babies gives him a firm hoof, and it’s as good as a kick to the ass.
What kind of Dad is he going to be to them if he hides from his mistakes?
“I fucked up, Nix. They almost died because I couldn’t control the Wolf—myself—enough to wait. Jay had a plan, and Grayson had that fucker under control, and then I had to go and start shit ahead of schedule. Just pissed him right off and gave him exactly what he wanted. Put Jay in his sights. I couldn’t save them or, fuck…I couldn’t save myself.”
Rowan wants to throw the plate against the wall as disappointment in himself turns into anger. Instead, he dropsit in the sink and turns in Nix’s arms, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes.
Maybe if he can’t see Nix’s disappointment, Nix won’t see him.
“Why am I such a fuck-up, Nix?”
There is not one second of hesitation before Nix’s scent shoots straight past comfort and into burnt and pissed-off. Great, now his omega is mad at him. He whines, and he can’t tell if it’s the Wolf or him.
“Rowan Foster, you are not a fuck-up.”
Nix hesitates before stepping back and crossing his arms.
“Listen to me, because I want you to really hear me, okay?”
Rowan nods and swallows hard, past the tears trapped in his throat.
“We all make mistakes, Ro. It’s what makes us human—or rather, Were. We are flawed. All of us. It’s the nature of living. What point is everything if we aren’t growing? Learning?”
“Why is it all so hard, though?” Rowan asks, but he really meansscary. “All I really want is to be like Jay or Gideon. Just knowing what I should be doing and not making things fucking worse all the goddamn time. Since I’ve been the Wolf, I’ve felt like finally I know what I’m supposed to be doing, who I’m supposed to be.”
Nix smiles. “It must feel amazing.”
“It does…like I’m finally right. Know what I mean?”
“It won’t come as a surprise to you to hear that I know exactly what you mean. I have never felt more right than when I found all of you, and now, I’m going to be a Dad.”
Nix rubs his hands over his belly.
“Change isn’t as simple as going from one thing to another, even though it might feel like that from the outside. And I suppose it applies to me, too. Look, carrying our kids doesn’t justmake me a Dad, yeah? That’s going to be a change that takes a lifetime.”
Rowan lets that sink in.
It reminds him of that night on the rampart. It hadn’t been words so much as images and feelings that ran through his head. And maybe that was because he was the Wolf at the time.
They had shown him countless images of times when he stood beside Nix and his mates as The Wolf, with Nix’s hand dug deeply into his fur.
It had felt so real.
Their connection is still so real, even through space and time.
They’d stood together on ramparts, under flags with the head of the Wolf rippling in a wind he couldn’t feel—but that he knew smelled like death. He’d curled up on the floors of tents or hotel rooms, walked dirt roads, sidewalks, and in one instance, a strange glowing pedway.
But just as often, he’d stood between his king and an executioner’s ax, or held his guardian as the last of life faded from his eyes, his white hair still soft against his dimpled cheek. He’d held fast at the doors of a library, protecting the knowledge—and its scholar—within from pillaging soldiers.
More and more flashes of lives he’d lived in some previously forgotten time, but this time, They had let him keep them all. All those memories where he had done what he was intended to do—living and loving together, eight souls, as wolves and as men. Through good and bad, Rowan and Rowan-wolf loved and accepted for all of who he is, every time.
Maybe he gets it now.
He’ll still have apologies to make (as usual, it seems), but he knows it’ll be good.
“You’re saying that life is hard and change is harder, but at least we’re in it together? And I’ll get the hang of this shit if I keep trying?”
