We talked just like that for hours and it felt great.
We were truly inside that bubble and I allowed myself to be there in the moment.
As night fell I found myself wondering what forever would feel like with him. I was getting married in weeks.
Marriage in my head was forever and I’d always prayed I’d find someone I’d love beyond life and death.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I was supposed to be over the moon with excitement and joy while engaged and I was supposed to be in love. That was the key point of significance. I was supposed to be in love with my man and counting down the days to be his.
Not counting down the days to doom.
As I listened to Xander talk about how much he enjoyed watching the different seasons change and how he loved winter because of the snow, I imagined days spent with him, just like this. Talking and connecting on an emotional level, enhancing whatever we did physically. He’d definitely make some lucky woman a wonderful husband someday.
Maybe he had…
Maybe he’d had someone that way or someone close. The question was on my mind now and I was eager to know.
“Xander,” I began.
He smiled down at me. “Yes baby.”
I shuffled to straighten up and looked at him. “Did you … ever get married? Or meet anyone you wanted to marry?”
His blue gaze held mine, and the faint light that had previously twinkled in the depths receded, going out. When what I could only describe as unspoken pain came into his eyes guilt for asking the question tugged on my heart.
It was always his eyes that gave him away. Always his eyes, and now it was accompanied with the prolonged silence.
“I’m sorry… I.. I didn’t mean to pry. I just…” I was prying. That wasn’t a run of the mill question, and different to the do you have a girlfriend question.
Asking if he’d had a wife or anybody like that was totally prying. It was asking if he’d ever been in love. And, if that did happen he clearly wasn’t with her anymore so it hadn’t worked out.
My stupid foot loved to live in my mouth sometimes and I didn’t think.
“Don’t apologize.” He spoke in a low even tone and blinked, seeming to recapture his focus which was me.
“I should. I didn’t think. I guess I just wanted to know, and curiosity got the better of me.” It was a lame ass apology. An attempt to take back words I shouldn’t have spoken.
“The answer is yes. Itwasyes.”
Was…
So she did exist. I wasn’t about to make myself look worse however by asking to elaborate on what the ‘was’ meant, or prod any further.
“She… um… she died.” He filled in. He must have seen my internal struggle of wanting to know more. “She was killed.”
My eyes widened in response. I never guessed thewascould mean that. You never tended to think of the worst possible thing.
“Oh my God, Xander I’m so sorry. I feel so bad for asking and making you talk about something so painful. I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t imagine what he must have gone through.
I knew from my experience with my mother that you never got over the loss. Each loss, depending on the relationship was different.
I’d never given my heart to anyone before.
Not before him.
I couldn’t kid myself. So much had happened but that spark of something, whatever it was, came alive every time I was with him.
