Barbara pinched her lips in disappointment. “Were we not just in the same meeting? That didn’t go well. We need to come up with a game plan.”
I frowned apologetically, knowing that I should be panicking. My publisher wasn’t happy about my lack of new pages and the looming deadline. They wanted to capitalize on my fifteen minutes of fame. But without Eli, I was slowly slipping into oblivion, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed. If I couldn’t deliver this manuscript in time, they couldn’t start marketing it.
“What do you think I should do?” I asked, feeling helpless.
Becoming a writer had been my dream, one that I had actually managed to make a reality. Now I was letting it pass me by. The worst part was that I didn’t feel powerless to stop it. I just didn’t have the will. It was like sand was drifting slowly through my fingers and all I had to do was close my hands together to stop it. But I didn’t, because I was too busy staring, transfixed, as the pile slowly faded to nothing.
“Um, hello? Write!” Barbara exclaimed. “You know you want this. Wake up and do something about it. No one can help you figure this out except for you.” She looked at me sadly. “I don’t know what’s going on in that brain of yours, but you’re going to have to dig yourself out of this.”
As I satat my desk attempting to write later that night, Barbara’s words nagged at me. And it wasn’t just hers, either. Piper and my mother had also noticed the shift in me lately. Any vibrancy I’d found from the show had since dissipated. I wished I could say I didn’t know why, but I did. I knew the exact reason.
Eli.
I hadn’t spoken to him since that day at the coffee shop. And though he’d tried to reach out, I’d ignored every attempt. But it wasn’t as easy as I thought it’d be to let him go. He still occupied my thoughts more than I’d ever admit. I did an almost daily internet search for him. But aside from a few updates about his upcoming directorial debut, there was nothing.
When I wanted to tell someone something, he was the first person that came to mind. Even after everything. I couldn’t stop remembering how good it felt to be wrapped in his arms and how long it had been since I had known that comfort.
I had thought the memories would fade, but the more time went on, the worse I felt.
“Screw this,” I finally said, switching off my laptop.
Like every day the past few weeks, the TV in my quaint living room beckoned me. The other night, I had even made it as far as pressing play on that first episode before turning the TV off and throwing the remote across the room.
Cautiously, I approached my living room and lifted the remote off the table. Would it really be so bad to watch the show? To see Eli and the way we had been together.
For some reason, I had recently convinced myself that watchingTough Lovewas what it would take for me to finally move on. But every time I sat down to do it, I couldn’t. What if all the hurt came crashing back, and it was even more painful than I could have imagined? Or what if I watched it and realized everything really had all been a lie? My gut told me that wouldn’t be the case, but the fear remained.
“Don’t be a coward,” I scolded myself as I turned the TV on and pressed play. I set the remote down before I could change my mind, and braced myself as the intro played.
They showed all the girls walking into that giant lounge. They shared snippets of all of our voiceovers as we discussed our excitement about the shows we thought we’d be on.
I snorted when Rita came on screen, all done up. “Pretty soon all these singles are going to be in for a very rude awakening. Because they’re not actually here to be writers, or singers, or dancers. They’re here because they need some tough love.”
After being so scared to watch, once I started, I couldn’t stop. My eyes were glued to the screen. I smiled when I saw how awkward Arnie and I were together, desperately latching on to each other for fear of what would happen if we let go.And I felt a swell of pride when they showed the first time he attempted to flirt with Rachel.
I laughed out loud when they showed my altercation with the goat in that dreadful first challenge. I also laughed when they showed the infamous kiss between Eli and Sofia that I had been so self-conscious about. Sofia had snuck a peck, diving in quick and almost head-butting Eli in the process. Eli had just scowled in shock.
I felt heartbreak for Trace as I watched how happy she and Danny had been together on their first date.
I cried when they showed clips of me talking about Michael. For as concerned as I’d been about how they’d portray me, they didn’t harp on it too much. The pain that Michael’s death caused me had been the primary focus. I also teared up when I saw that same pain gradually fade throughout the course of the show.
When Eli and I started to interact more in the second episode, I held my breath. It was all here. Every proof of why I’d fallen for him lived on forever because of this show. Our first real conversation where we’d talked all night in the kitchen was here. I immediately tensed, terrified that the rest of our late-night talks would make the cut, but thankfully, they didn’t.
Whathadmade the cut was every longing look we shared. Every moment of laughter. I saw with my own eyes how my closed-off demeanor toward him transformed into warmth. How, when I’d been hurt on the zipline, he’d looked more scared than I had.
But what surprised me the most were all of his interviews. The parts that I hadn’t been able to see in person.
“Calla is different,” he said in one of them, with a far-away look in his eyes. “I feel...at home with her. I don’tknow, I know that sounds stupid. But I’ve never felt comfortable with anyone like this before.
“She makes me excited about the little things. Like, I’m not even sure what I was doing before I met her, you know?”
Nostalgia hit me when I got to the episode where Grant had picked me as his partner. As soon as it happened, they cut to a shot of Eli in an interview, his jaw clenched.
“Hell yeah, I’m pissed. I don’t know what he’s thinking, but she’smygirl.”
I hardly moved for hours. By the time I reached the finale, it must have been the middle of the night.
They didn’t show me much during the last episode. To an outsider, it might seem like a weird choice, since my relationship with Eli had been the primary focus of almost every episode, but I knew the real reason why.
