Eli rubbed his hands together and started to pace his sideof the counter. “No, Calla. I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you mean.”
He walked around so he was on the same side as me. My breath caught in my throat as he drew closer, but he didn’t reach out and touch me.
“Fuck. I wish I knew what to say right now, but I have no clue. And I really wish I could hold you, but I know that’s not right either.”
I realized that the idea of him holding me wasn’t as unappealing as I would have expected. Suddenly the grounding experience I had just described sounded nice.
“It’s alright. No one ever knows what to say. And the ones who think they do usually say exactly the wrong thing.”
“But you have no idea how much I want to be the person who says the right thing.” He was so close now that I had to crane my neck slightly to meet his gaze.
I bit my lip. “It’s alright. I don’t need to hear anything.”
He ran his hand through his hair. “Why did your sister sign you up? After everything you’ve been through? This kind of environment isn’t healing. It’s...it’s...well, I don’t know what it is, but it certainly isn’t right for you.”
It felt like he’d dumped ice water over my head. Tears stung hot in my eyes and I blinked a few times to try to banish them. Eli’s reaction was why I should’ve kept to myself. This exact feeling was what I was trying to get away from. I’d opened up to one person in this godforsaken place, and he’d pretty much told me I should leave.
Eli clocked the change in my demeanor and his features shifted from frustration to panic. “Shit. That didn’t come out right, did it?”
I pushed myself away from the counter—away from him. “Nope, I get it. I’m a downer. No one ever knows how to talk to me. That’s why I’m better off on my own.”
He shook his head and reached out to me before abruptly dropping his hands to his sides. His throat tightened visibly as he gulped.
“I just meant...these shows aren’t good for anyone’s mental health. The producers try to manipulate us and we hardly get any time to ourselves. They can say it’s a show about finding love, or whatever crap they pushed on us in the beginning, but it’s not. It’s a show about entertaining people. Full stop. That’s all they care about no matter what they say. You can’t trust them, Calla.”
“I’m not an idiot.” I stared up at him in disbelief. “I know what they’re doing, trust me, they’ve made it crystal clear from the beginning. When I go into my interviews and they bombard me with endless questions about Michael, I know what story they’re trying to tell. They want everyone to feel sorry for me. But just because I know what they’re doing, that doesn’t mean I’m letting them get the best of me. This is still the furthest out of my comfort zone that I’ve been in years. Maybe I could have picked a healthier outlet, but my sister was desperate. And that’s why I’m staying here. For her, and I guess for me too. Because I don’t want people to look at me for the rest of my life the way you just looked at me when I told you about Michael.”
Eli’s expression was tinged with regret. “I’m sorry for reacting like that,” he said as evenly as possible. “But it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with this environment. I don’t trust anyone here. I just wish I’d met you under different circumstances.”
“Well, you didn’t,” I said. “This is our reality. We might as well make the best of it. It’s only for a couple of weeks, after all.”
“Only a couple of weeks,” he repeated, looking unsure.
It was hard not to get lost in his deep brown eyes as hesurveyed me. For some reason, despite feeling vulnerable as hell, I found comfort in his gaze.
“After everything you just told me, I know this is probably the last thing you want,” he said softly. “But can I...can I just hug you for a few seconds?”
I inhaled sharply, surprised by his request. My whole body became tingly at the thought of his arms around me. To my surprise, I wanted them there.
I should say no. It wasn’t a good idea.
Instead, I nodded.
Eli took a cautious step toward me. He reached up with one arm and brushed my shoulder before he gently tugged me into his chest. My stomach flipped as he brought his other hand to the back of my head and cradled it under his neck. My arms stayed in front of me for a moment, elbows bent and sandwiched between our bodies. They should’ve acted as a comforting barrier, but I wanted to be closer to him. I wanted to breathe him in. For a second, I decided to let go, and I reached my arms around his torso, grabbing lightly onto his shirt. My eyes drifted shut as my face pressed against his body. One of his hands dropped to my lower back and he traced small circles there. I didn’t panic at his touch. It felt...good. More than good.
Feeling strange, I took a step back. Eli released me without any protest. Conflict flashed across his face.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He reached out and hesitated for a moment before gently twirling a piece of my hair between his fingers. The simple gesture had my pulse quickening.
“I just don’t want you to be surprised tomorrow.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I’m planning on picking you as my partner,” he said, trying to gauge my reaction.
“Arnie is picking me tomorrow,” I said simply.
