The thing was, a lot of memories came to mind. The diner my mom would take us to every Sunday for lunch. Watching every new season ofSurvivorand picking our favorite to win it all. When she’d sneak us away to go to a thrift store any time my dad was home and in a shitty mood—which was often.
But now those memories were tainted. Because instead of seeing any good times, all I could think about was Nathan. How left out he must have felt. I’d never realized it at the time. He’d always come across as so cold to me. But now it was so obvious in my memories how alone and alienated he must have felt. It was like getting punched in the face with it. How he’d become more quiet and withdrawn as he got older. And it was my fucking fault for not trying harder.
If there was one person I blamed more than myself, it was her. He was her son, for Christ’s sake. She should have known better.
I forced out a long breath. “Next question,” I said.
She opened her mouth to protest, but I kept going.
“What’s your greatest ambition?” I meant it as a joke, but my tone came out a little sneering, likely because of all the thoughts coursing through my mind.
Seeing the way Frankie’s face immediately fell made me feel like a fucking idiot. Greatest ambition? What the hell was I thinking? She’d just lost her job. One which was clearly very important to her. Of course, an insensitive question like that was going to hit her right in the chest.
When she didn’t answer, I tried to tilt my head to force her to meet my gaze.
“Hey, I’m sorry about our conversation on the hike up. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”
“It’s fine,” she said in a voice that assured me it was anything except fine.
“You can help me think of some goals if you want.” I kept my voice light, hoping to tempt her.
“No, it’s stupid.”
As ridiculous as I’d always thought all that goal-talk was, hearing her say those words nearly broke me.
“No, really. I want to hear your thoughts.”
She picked at her cuticles, and just when I thought I’d have to resort to straight-up begging to get her to talk to me again, she relented. “You asked me earlier why I’m so obsessed. It feels pathetic to admit, but I honestly don’t know. It’s always been engrained in me that that’s the way life goes. You work hard, get an education, get a good job, and life falls into place. I never even stopped to question it before.”
My heart cracked.
“All I’ve done is question the conventional path. It’s not like my life is amazing either,” I said, trying to commiserate with her.
“What are you talking about? You’re, like, the happiest person I’ve ever met.”
Was I?I knew that’s what was expected of me. I knew that’s how I came across. But was I truly happy?
I thought I was. But then, seeing my brother get married, my best friend move in with his girlfriend, and watching my relationship with my mother become more strained—what did I really have at the end of the day? Myself. The outdoors. Sure, it was invigorating. I loved the constant adventure.
Buthappy…
What a strange word when you thought too much about it—something I rarely did. But lately, searching in Frankie’s eyes had me questioning more about myself than I ever had before.
The clink of her coffee mug against the table had me refocusing on her.
“Youarehappy right?” she asked.
“Next question,” I muttered.
She looked up at the ceiling in exasperation. “You can’t always do that, you know? Change the subject any time I try to ask you a personal question.”
“Do I?” I smiled and tilted my head, pretending I didn’t know exactly what she meant. It was a side of me few people noticed, mainly because I didn’t let many get close enough to see it.
“You know you do.” She waved a finger at me. “Careful or I’ll stop asking them altogether.”
My pulse quickened. The idea should bring me comfort, but it didn’t. I didn’t know what I wanted, but Frankie giving up on me in even the smallest capacity wasn’t it.
I laced my fingers behind my head and leaned back in my chair, attempting to gather myself. “So, about my goals.”
