“That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that.”
She scoffed. “No you’re not.”
Her head tilted, assessing me, as if those clear green eyes of hers could see right through me. And maybe they could, maybe I wasn’t as good at hiding it as I thought I was.
A rush of nerves coursed within me. I couldn’t remember a time when I didn’t have feelings for Ellie, but a shift had happened recently. It changed from a mild crush on my best friend, to full-blown feelings. I thought about her constantly, wanted her constantly, but there was a lot of risk in making it known—in crossing the line. I didn’t want to lose her as my best friend, and she’d never given me any indication there were feelings on her end.
“Seriously, I wanted you to have fun.”
She came closer, close enough for me to get clouded with the smell of warm amber coming off her skin. “Why are you waiting for me?”
I swallowed the non-existent saliva in my mouth. “I told you, to make sure?—”
“Tell me the truth,” she whispered. Her glowing gaze locked with mine, refusing to let go.
The tension between us felt thicker than it had ever felt before. She got even closer to me and the beads of her dress made contact with my T-shirt. My fingers twitched, itching to touch her.
“If I tell you the truth,” I said quietly. “You might not like it. It might change everything.”
She dipped her chin, studying me with a curious expression. Then she smiled—a smile so different from any I’d ever gotten from her before, it might as well have set me on fire. My skin burned under its warmth. “I think I’ll like it,” she said.
Either I was imagining things, or she was giving me a clearopening. Before I could second-guess it and risk losing my window, I closed the space between us and kissed her. The weight of every worst-case scenario I’d imagined had been driving me insane, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. This time, it wasn’t awkward or fleeting. She froze for a moment, then melted into me like it was the most natural thing in the world. Her arms wound around my neck, pulling me closer, and I was completely gone.
We kissed slowly, exploring each other, testing boundaries. I wanted all of her at once, and it took every ounce of self-discipline I possessed to not go further.
After hours or minutes—I wasn’t sure because time lost all meaning with my axis completely tilted in this new world—she pulled back, smiling softly at me, her eyes dazzling under the starry sky.
“Took you long enough.”
Before I could reply, she yanked me by my T-shirt and crashed her lips to mine. Not slow, not exploratory, she knew exactly what she wanted. And I wanted it too. Badly.
That night changed everything. I’d been terrified my feelings would ruin our friendship, only to realize her feelings were just as strong. From then on, we were together. There was no awkward transition, no questioning what we were—it was seamless. The only thing that changed was my relationship with her brothers, who weren’t thrilled their buddy was now their sister’s boyfriend. It took some time, but eventually they realized I was pathetically in love with her, that I wanted to marry her one day, even though we were so young.
Forever with Ellie felt destined. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind she was the one. And while I still held strong to the belief we were forever, I couldn’t ignore that something was going on with her. And I didn’t have a good feeling about it.
We needed to talk before she left to go back to school. I wasn’t going to let her go without understanding why she’dbeen distant since she had arrived. If I was being honest, it wasn’t just this visit—she’d been acting strange for the past month. Little pieces of her had been slipping away, just beyond my reach, no matter how hard I tried to hold on.
After storming out of my dorm, I found her in the bathroom, hunched over the sink. Her hands gripped the edges of the counter like it was the only thing holding her up. When she looked at me in the mirror, her red, swollen eyes nearly stopped me in my tracks. I couldn’t tell if she’d been crying, or puking, or both.
“What’s wrong, Ellie girl?” I asked, my voice quiet, worried if I spoke too loudly she’d spook.
She shook her head, breaking eye contact. “I think I’m going to go,” she murmured.
“Go?” I repeated, confused. “It’s late. You’re not feeling well. You’re not driving anywhere tonight.”
Her eyes darted around the room, looking anywhere but at me. Unable to stand the space between us, I wrapped her in my arms. I told myself it was to comfort her, but really, I was the one who needed the comfort, trying to hold on to her as best as I could.
Everyone warned us long distance would be hard, but fuck, it was so hard. Every other weekend, we traded off who would make the five-hour drive across the state. On top of being exhausting and expensive, it was stressful, juggling school on top of all of it. Every time we had to go our separate ways, I questioned if my scholarship was even worth it. Transferring schools and taking on a student loan seemed a lot easier than being away from each other. Even though I knew my parents were set on me staying and graduating from WSU, I’d already started looking into transferring. I couldn’t do four years of this—we couldn’t withstand it.
“Talk to me. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what’s wrong.” I held her tightly, breathingher in.
For a beat, the tension uncoiled from her, and she relaxed into me, only to stiffen back up just as quickly.
She pulled away and took a noticeable step back. “And that’s the problem. You can’t fix it, and I don’t want you to.”
“I don’t understand.” I raked a hand through my hair, wanting so badly to see things through her eyes.
“There’s nothing to understand. I just—I just can’t. I can’t breathe.” She took a deep, choking breath, her chest trembling between inhales.
