“I know. And I’m happy. I truly am. But I’m also sad. I don’t want to lose my wife.” There it was; his darkest fear spoken out loud. He rubbed his chest over his heart. He could almost believe the pain was physical.
Wang’s eyebrows came together in puzzlement. “Why think that? Yes, there’s always a risk, but your wife is young, healthy, and strong.”
Colin shook his head. “No, I don’t mean like that. Although that is always a concern. God, I can’t even contemplate what I would do if something happened to her, or the baby...” He shook his head, trying to dislodge the bad thoughts. “No, I mean that as part of our agreement, she is free to leave me now.”
“I don’t understand. You have a marriage, not an agreement. A marriage is forever. Why would she leave now?” Wang looked genuinely puzzled and disapproving.
“I proposed a marriage of convenience. I would give her my name and protection in exchange for an heir. If this child is male, she would have fulfilled her part of the bargain. And while she is expecting, I don’t even have a reason to visit her bed.” He muttered the last part. Too embarrassed to say it out loud.
“Bah! You English, complicating everything with your deals and agreements. You should forget this foolishness and build a genuine marriage.”
“I want to. God, how I want to. But I don’t think my wife feels the same way. And under our agreement, I’m honor-bound to respect her wishes.”
“Do you know what her wishes are? Have you asked her? Has she said that she wants to leave you?” Wang asked, spreading his arms wide.
“Not in so many words. But there are signs...” His wife didn’t enjoy his touch. Didn’twantto enjoy his touch.
Every whimper and wince. Every stiffening of her limbs as he made love to her was like a dagger in his heart. But he couldn’t tell Wang that. Some things were so private that it was impossible to share them, even with your most trusted confidant.
“I don’t know what these signs are. But I think Lady Hartfield is very fond of you. You should not make assumptions. Talk to her. Find out how she feels, what she wants.”
Colin looked to the side to find Wang sitting crossed legged on the mat.
“I’m afraid of what she will say.”
“Ah. We have a saying, ‘that who is afraid to suffer, already suffers from fear.’”
Colin snorted. But Wang was right. If he never dared telling his wife how he really felt, even risking her rejection, he would have already lost. He was already suffering from fear.
Why was he afraid, anyway? He was already used to rejection and loneliness. What was one more?
CHAPTER 29
ABIGAIL CLUTCHED HERhusband’s arm and fought another wave of nausea as a whiff of a strong perfume assaulted her senses. It was the third such occurrence in the last thirty minutes.
They strolled in Hyde Park, following Elizabeth, who was chattering ahead with a group of her friends and their suitors. She realized with chagrin that she was about to cast up her accounts in the middle of the crowded promenade.
