“It disgusted my first husband.” She said in a small voice, looking down, humiliated. This was her worst shame.
“Your desire disgusted your first husband?”
She nodded. “Jealousy consumed him. To the point he couldn’t even see me talk to another man without suspecting I wanted that man as a lover. He would accuse me of being unfaithful, of being a wanton, of liking sex too much.”
He was looking at her with a horrified expression on his face, and her shoulders slumped. She curled in on herself, trying to block the memories.
“At the beginning of my first marriage, I fancied myself in love with him. I was... enthusiastic, and so naïve. My responses were unrestrained. I still remember the one time I had an orgasm with him. He looked at me with such distaste. As if he couldn't fathom what kind of creature I was. He told me only prostitutes and wantons acted that way. And then he beat me.”
She hugged herself and started rocking. “After that, the beatings only became more frequent and more severe. For any reason. But the worst one was when I told him I was pregnant.”
She closed her eyes, but tears still overflowed between her scrunched eyelids. “I was happy about the baby. By this time, I loathed and feared him, but I thought a baby, even his baby, would be a blessing. It would have brought me joy. My husband didn’t see it that way. He said he couldn’t be sure the child was his and gave me the worst beating of my life. He kicked me in the stomach until I... until I bled, and I wasn’t pregnant anymore.”
She fell sideways, sobbing, folded into herself on the bed. Her soul shattering once again.
CHAPTER 34
COLIN WAS SHAKING.Barely able to breathe while corrosive rage, shame and sorrow swirled in his chest. Every one of her sobs was like a dagger stab to his heart. Of all the things, all the reasons he had imagined for her reserve, he had never considered this.
He should have. He had plenty of experience with bullies. And yet had failed to imagine this. Still had trouble understanding how someone could do something like that. He almost wished the bastard was alive so he could kill him with his bare hands. Slowly and painfully. Everything suddenly started falling into place with startling clarity. The flashes of desire, followed by relentless restraint.
A memory, a minor detail that he had paid no mind to at the time, suddenly jumped to the forefront of his consciousness and gained sinister significance. That terrible night before the kidnapping, when she had placed her hand on his arm, he had shaken it off. She had flinched and covered her face. Dear God. Had she thought he was going to strike her? The idea made him sick. She must know he would never...
But how could she know? He had been acting like a jealous jackass for weeks now. And that day at the park he had exploded in violence, apparently over jealousy too. She didn’t know his history with these bullies. She must have thought it was all because of her.
He wrapped his body around hers, gathering her against his chest. Crooning to her in his most tender tones.
“Don’t cry darling. I love you. Look at me.” He waited until she lifted her flooded eyes to his.
“There are three things I want you to understand. First, your first husband was a bully. It was not your fault. You did not deserve that. Even if you had been unfaithful, which I know you were not, what he did still would have been unacceptable. There’s nothing that could justify that sort of behavior. Nothing.” He brushed a tear from her cheek.
“Second, I know I’ve been acting like a jealous fool. I am so sorry. But please believe that I could never hurt you. The mere idea is so repugnant to me. I would rather die than hit you, or any woman. And third, there’s no shame in pleasure. I cherish your passion, your honest responses. It could never disgust me. Quite the opposite. I want all of you. Please don’t cry.”
“I thought I already disgusted you.” She said in a small voice choked by tears. “That’s why you have barely come to my bed since that day when I lost control. I thought that was why you didn’t want to touch me again and were planning to set me aside.”
“No. Nothing further from the truth. I thought it was the right thing to do. According to our agreement, now that you are pregnant, there is no reason for me to bed you.”
