Avery
With my knees shaking, I stare at him, open-mouthed, my mind swimming. I can't believe he just kissed me. Even more than that, I can't believe I kissed him back. Emotions flood through me like a tidal wave, mostly confusion with a hint of excitement ...and of a lot of fear. I don't want to open myself up to him again. It hurt so much the last time that I don't want to risk breaking my heart again. I can't...
“Tyler,” I whisper, my brow knitting as I touch my finger to my kiss-swollen lips.
That kiss brought me back to our last night together. As I laid in his arms, I’d thought all my dreams were coming true. I’d confessed my feelings to my childhood love, and he said that he loved me too... We made out all night long, kissing and touching but never doing anything more. It was such a sweet, storybook moment that was shattered the next morning when I woke up to find the bed empty and him gone.
"You've always been on my mind, Avery… In my heart," he says in a murmur. "You're the only woman in the world for me." He sighs and takes my hand in his. "And I wouldn't be back here if I didn't think that you still felt the same way about us as I do."
I drop my gaze to our joined hands, feeling the warmth of his radiating through mine. "What makes you so sure that I do?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
His thumb runs back-and-forth against my knuckle soothingly, as his eyes stay locked on mine and the corner of his mouth tips slightly, that stupid grin I hate to love threatening to take over his face. “Maybe the fact you’re one of the first people to like or comment on everything I post on Instagram.”
With a gasp, I snatch my hands from his, feeling suddenly very exposed. "I don't even follow you on Instagram!" I lie as my mind reels.Ohmygosh, how did he know?I don't even use my real name on any of the accounts I use to follow him. How did he figure out it was me?
“Falkor123isn’t you?” My mouth falls open despite the fact I’m trying to maintain a surface-level calm. “That was the name of your first dog. I knew it was you right away.”
Flames spread across my cheeks, completely giving me away. "I…"I don’t know what to say.
“And when I sold coffee table books of my artwork, you were one of the first to buy one. I had to ship it myself, you know. I saw your address.” That smirk of his is in full force now, probably thanks to the fact that my jaw is hanging about my feet right now. I don't think I can save myself from this, but I try anyway.
"M-maybe I just really like tattoos?" I scramble to think of things to say that might explain my multi-level stalking, but I stumble over my words. "D-don't get ahead of y-yourself, Tyler. Y-your book isn't the only one I've ever b-bought."
Throwing his head back, he laughs a deep rumbling belly laugh. "It's OK, Avery. I like that you were watching me. I was watching you too.”
“You…you were?” I swallow heart, feeling entirely too exposed here.
He nods. “I even kept you close to my heart," he says, his gaze softening as he lifts his shirt and points to a tattoo across his left pec, a line of script right over his heart.Avery. Me.
With my mouth still gaping open, I just stare at the tattoo, their scrolling letters entwined with wildflowers and crawling vines. "Y-you have my name tattooed on your skin?"
He hooks a finger under my chin and brings our eyes level again. He nods slowly, the playful smirk on his lips turning into one of content. "It was one of the first things I did when I got to New York. I wanted you close to my heart, always."
My eyes burn as tears start to well up. "Why didn't you ever come back?" My voice is barely above a whisper as I try to reconcile his words with the amount of time that’s gone by. The years of loneliness and longing. He’s been a success for many years. If he really loved me as much as he says he does, then why didn’t he ever come home? Why didn’t he come and see me? Why didn’t he ask me to come to him?Eleven years. You can’t tell that in all that time away he had zero opportunity to return. No. He chose to stay away. He chose a life that was as far away from me as possible. And it's only now, when he's finally finished sewing his wild oats in the great big concrete jungle, that he's grown wistful enough to come back to his roots and try to rekindle something hechoseto throw away.
I shake my head. I won’t be that girl. I won’t be the kind of woman who’s so desperate I’m willing to forget everything he did—or didn’t do—and just jump into his arms like nothing happened. Tylerhurtme. Heabandonedme. And I havenevergotten over him.
A wall of anger smashes against me, sparking something long kept dormant and setting a fire in my belly. "That isn’t good enough, Tyler! You waited ten, no,elevenyears to come back here and tell me that. What happened in New York? Did all those tattoo groupies see through your bullshit and quit wanting to fuck you?”
“It was never like that.”
“Really? Well, there had to besomethingkeeping you away. And since I wasn’t enough of a draw card to bring you back, I find it hard to believe that after all that time I suddenly matter to you.”
“Youalwaysmattered, Avery. Every fucking day.”
“Then why did you leave me for so long?” I screech, my voice echoing off the walls and probably scaring every animal in the forest.
“Because I was fucked up! I didn’t know what I had, couldn’t appreciate what we could be until I sorted my own messed up brain out.”
“So, a decade later your head is fine, and I’m supposed to smile and clap because you finally got your ass back here to start something with me? What would you have done if I was married with kids?”
He breaks eye contact and swallows, hard. "I wouldn't have come back if I knew you had a life with someone else." His green eyes meet with mine again. "I would have stayed away and let you be happy." That makes it even worse.
"How?" I gasp, my voice raw as tears stream down my cheeks. "How was I ever going to be happy without you, Tyler? You left me, and you took my heart with you that day. I’ve been living all these years as nothing but an empty shell.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands as I try to calm back down. “And now, I’m just an angry shell who doesn't like you.”
"But you still love me," he states, seeming so sure of his words.
I turn myself away and shake my head. I can't do this. I can't keep giving him my power by letting him see me broken like this. He left. He hurt me. And now that he’s finally back, I can't stop feeling like I did the day he went away. Abandoned, inconsolable. I can’t even look at him anymore. This all hurts too much. "Tyler, I—"
"Look me in the eyes, Avery. Tell me you don't love me anymore and I’ll leave you alone," he demands, placing a hand on my shoulder and spinning me around.
I force myself to comply, bringing my eyes to his. But somehow, the words can't seem to leave my mouth. I want him to stop. I want him to go away so my heart can finally heal. But then I don’t think it will. I can’t lie to him and tell him I don’t love him, but at the same time, I can’t admit my feelings for him are still true. I don't knowwhatto say. I can't just magically trust him again, not after all he's done, and I can’t seem to break his heart by renouncing my love for him either. I’m quite simply…stuck. Both down in this hole and inside my feelings for him. I want him, but I hate him. I love him, but I need him to go away. It’s quite the conundrum, and one I’m not sure I can solve any time soon.
So as he stares into my eyes, his soul crying out to mine, I take a deep breath and speak the only truth I have. "I need time, Tyler. Just… give me some time."
“OK,” he whispers, releasing me slowly as he steps away. “Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”If only I could trust that were true.
