“How are you, my boy?” she says softly, leaning in.
But I’m not Sean.
I don’t lean into the hug.
It’s a miracle I don’t recoil.
I let her wrap her arms around me like she cares, but the moment she steps back, the words come before I can stop them.
“That’s the life, right, Mom? ‘Always look forward, never look back.’ ‘Every dream demands a sacrifice, so don’t let it be yours.’” The words taste like broken glass. “Isn’t that what you taught me? What you showed us? Every time you walked out the door to sing backup for some loser who didn’t care about you past a hotel room?” I scoff, ignoring the wide hurt in her eyes. Because it can’t be hurt. “Let me guess. You heard Lucy Jane was in town?”
Tears leak out of her eyes. She should shrink back, sink into the earth with humiliation. Instead, her hands fidget at the hem of her jacket, and her voice shakes, even as she tries to hold her posture.
“You really think that badly of me?”
“Of course I do! You left after my accident! You don’t care about us!”
Her face twists. “I care about y’all more than anything!”
I laugh, stunned. “Sure. You care right up until the moment things get hard. Then you walk away.”
“Things have been hard every second since I left!” she says, and the fire in her tone is all desperation.
“Then why didn’t you come home?”
Her breath catches, and her eyes are swimming, and I’d rather drown in those tears than believe them for a second.
She shakes her head, her face screwing up like she’s actually in pain.
“I told myself if I could finally make it, it would make all the difference for this family. I’d be able to send money home. I’d be able to …. to be useful for once. But I wanted to come back the second I left.”
“Yet you’re here. On the road.”
“Because when—” her voice hitches, like she’s choking on her own regret. “—when I finally accepted what I’d done, I felt too guilty! Too ashamed! I couldn’t forgive myself for walking away from my family. And I didn’t believe y’all could forgive me, either. So I kept tellin’ myself if I could just make it, it would all be worth it. If I stopped, it would all mean nothing.”
Lou grips my arm tight. I don’t know if she’s buying this garbage, but I’m not. Ican’t. I can’t let myself believe in her again.
I look her over, from her big hat to the shiny tips of her cheap boots. “Is it?” I ask.
She exhales shakily. “The band I perform with was offered a regional tour. A real one.”
Sean looks like he’s been slapped. Has he been believing her this whole time?
“Seriously, Mom?”
Mom’s eyes grow even wider. “You don’t understand?—”
But I’m too mad to let her talk. “Why do you keep doing this? You keep storming back into our lives making promises while clinging to some cheap knockoff of happiness! This life you’re chasing can’t make you happy!” She tries to interrupt, but I rollpast her. “You coulda created without an audience and still been a musician. You could’ve had a family and performed, and still been a mother. But as it is? You didn’t trade up. You traded it all away. You tradedus.”
“You don’t think I know that?” her ragged cry sounds like it’s coming from her bones. “I turned it down! I don’t want it anymore! I want—” her voice breaks with a sob that bounces off me. “I want to come home.”
I stare at her, take in her shaking, sobbing form. And a part of me almost cracks.
But no. I shake it off.
It’s fake.
It has to be fake.
