He blows air out of his mouth in a huff. “I’m gonna take a break. Find me when you’re ready to talk about the mix tonight.”He turns his back to me, and I’m half relieved, half disappointed, and all in a stew.
I drink the rest of my water, crush the air out of the bottle, and toss it into the recycling bin before joining my friends on the couch.
“That looks like it went well,” Jane says.
I sink into the plush cushion. “That man is more irritating than a swarm of mosquitoes,” I say with a sniff.
“I hate mosquitoes.”
“I think I hate Patty.”
Jane chuckles and leans against me. “I’m glad.”
I snort, watching Ash and Millie singingHold Onby Wilson Phillips. The words flash on the screen, but no one in this room needs them. My band is even singing along from where they’re sitting on the floor.
“Why are you glad I hate Patty?”
“Because if you’re already fighting with him, I know you’ll be yourself with him on tour,” she says.
I might be a few months older than Jane, but she’s an older sister while I’m a younger sister, and let me tell you: big sister energy always wins.
“I thought you’d finally come to accept that you’re not responsible for other people,” I tease. I let my head bump into hers and keep it there while we watch our friends dance.
“Ihaveaccepted it. Because I am a fully actualized human being, I no longer feel your happiness depends on me. But that doesn’t make me stop caring.”
“Ah, I appreciate the distinction.”
Jane nudges me with her elbow. “Be careful, Lou.”
“I am. I’m not gonna let anything or anyone derail me.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she says.
I pull my head back to look at my friend. Jane wrinkles her nose.
“I’m worried about you keeping your distance from everyone. You’re naturally a … pack animal, not a lone wolf.”
“I know. And the Janes are my pack.”
“It’s okay if you open up, let in a few more.”
“Wolves, Jane? You’re telling me to invite more wolves into my life?”
“Yes. Exactly,” she deadpans. “Was that so hard to understand?”
Then she sniffs, and the sound makes the back of my eyes sting.
“I’m gonna miss you,” she says.
“I’ll miss you, too.”
My band jumps up when Ash grabs them, and a pang of envy fills me, seeing Ash so casually become friends with these four women I’m actively keeping at bay.
All four of them seem great—professional yet easygoing. I’d adore them if I met them in another life. But I’ve kept them at arm’s length while we’ve been prepping for the tour. If I don’t let them in, I won’t have to carry their struggles or demons on my shoulders.
It’s not that I don’t care about anyone else’s pain; it’s that I can’t afford to let it drag me under when I’ve worked so hard to get where I am.
Jane, Millie, Parker, and Ash are the only people outside of my family I’ve ever let fully in, and that’s because we’ve known each other since our freshman year of college, before I was who I am.
