He ignores me in favor of changing his gloves before retrieving the next bag ready for inspection. I heft my suitcaseover to the nearest repack station, studiously avoiding glances from the flurry of travelers passing through the checkpoint. That was hands down one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life.
I hate to point fingers, but this is all my ex-boyfriend’s fault. If he hadn’t cheated which led to our breakup this past summer, I wouldn’t be stuck choosing between spending a Christmas alone in New York or hopping on a plane to a sunny destination to drown out my holiday blues.
I usually spend it with my parents, but they booked a Christmas cruise back when Mark and I were still together. They invited us to come along, but he complained about getting seasick, even though he’s never set foot on a boat.
After we broke up, my parents offered to cancel their trip since the cruise was sold out, and I couldn’t go with them, but I insisted they go without me. The tickets were non-refundable, and after a lifetime of prioritizing me, it was time they treated themselves.
I pushed aside the fact that being alone during my favorite time of year would be unbearable. That’s how I ended up scrolling through vacation rentals at the last minute, eager to trade in stockings and mistletoe for tank tops and tan lines. If I had to miss out on the traditions I’ve cherished since childhood—traditions I won’t have this year thanks to Mark’s inability to keep it in his pants—I wanted a distraction. And by this time tomorrow, I’ll be soaking up the sun in a desert oasis with a margarita in hand, hoping it’s enough to fill the void of spending Christmas alone.
On the way to my gate, I text my friend Gemma.
Noelle: Is it possible to die of humiliation??
Gemma: Please tell me you didn’t send a ‘prince’ in an obscure country money again?!
Noelle: He was being held prisoner!
Noelle: This is worse. A TSA agent dumped out my luggage, including the giant dildos Twisted Temptations sent me.
Gemma: That’s perfect viral material for your next podcast.
Gemma: Episode title idea: TSA Gone Wild
In addition to being my best friend, Gemma is also my manager and isn’t shy about turning my embarrassing moments into content gold. I prefer to keep my personal life private, but sharing certain experiences with my audience is unavoidable. Especially when I think they’ll find it relatable or entertaining. Luckily for me, I have an endless supply of them.
Noelle: And let everyone assume I’m single for the holidays and hauling a suitcase of glittery dildos across the country to keep me company? No thanks.
Gemma: Girl, you are single, and your next orgasm is long overdue.
Noelle: You make me sound desperate.
I’m an expert at giving advice, but taking it? Not so much. It’s easy to encourage other women not to wait on a man for their next release and to move on when their boyfriend cheats. But I haven’t gotten laid in over six months and can’t remember when I had my last orgasm. Maybe this trip will be my sexual reawakening and the fresh start I’ve been hoping for.
Gemma:I did catch you watching those thirst-trap cooking videos on TikTok from @BicepsAndBiscuits69 last week.
Noelle: He’s a very skilled chef!
Gemma: Mmhmm. Did security survive looking through your bag?
Noelle: Barely, but they let it through.
Gemma: Thank god your battery-powered boyfriends passed inspection.
Noelle: Just glad I made it past security… I gotta run or I’ll miss my flight.
Gemma: Let me know when you get to your rental.
Noelle: Will do!
I tuck my phone in my pocket and speed walk to my gate.
My trip might have gotten off to a rocky start, but I’m confident it will turn into an adventure full of sunshine and unforgettable memories.
Cowboy, It’s Cold Outside
Thankfully, after the debacle with my BOBs (Battery-Operated Boyfriends), my flight to Arizona went off without a hitch, and I was greeted by blue skies and bright sunshine. I picked up the silver convertible I rented, excited about my solo adventure, but my optimism waned once I got on the road.
The first warning that I’d made a mistake was booking a vacation rental several hours from the airport. With the holiday rush, there were limited listings available at the last minute, and I thought a mini road trip through Arizona could be fun. I figured I’d drive to the nearest town and get day passes at an upscale hotel pool and spa. In hindsight, staying in a hotel would have been the practical choice, but I wanted somewhere I could decorate for the holidays and have my privacy.
