“You think I’m beautiful.” It’s not a question, more a statement she makes while looking away and nodding to herself. Her tone is low and flat. Strange. I can’t be the first guy to tell her she’s beautiful. She glowed under my praise in training earlier, but doesn’t seem overly happy about this compliment. Shit. Did I mess it up again?
“Emily, you’re probably the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen. It’s hardly surprising that I noticed. But I’m not hitting on you.”
Her shoulders slump. Wait, is that disappointment? Is she actually interested in me? “You need to focus on yourself and your training right now. Unless…” I struggle to finish my sentence, not wanting to presume anything but also not wanting to cockblock myself if there is a possibility.
“Yeah, you should probably leave so I can get dressed.” Suddenly she’s cold and something has shifted within her demeanor. The atmosphere in the room shifts. The once warm and comfortable space now feels cold and unwelcoming. It’s as if an invisible barrier has been erected between us. Fuck, obviously, I’ve made her uncomfortable again. She’s clearly not remotely interested, and the last thing she needs right now is anyone creeping on her.
“Of course, sorry again. For before and again now.” I turn around and open the door to head out before freezing. My wolf is howling at me, refusing to let me leave. I hang my head and take a deep breath.
“I didn’t mean that as a come on. Obviously, you are beautiful; that’s not my opinion; it’s a fact. But I wasn’t trying to hit on you there.”
She cocks her head to the side and narrows her eyes.
“Riiight,” she draws out the word like she’s not sure how to respond. “It’s okay, Jackson; I get it. I’m pretty, but you’re not interested because I’m too weak and damaged. No need to say anymore.”
“What? No. That’s not what I said!”
“Isn’t it? I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what you meant. Pretty, but not worth the trouble.” How the fuck is that what she took from my words? My chest tightens. She’s completely twisted what I said into something I would never even think.
“And anyway, when I am ready to meet someone again, I want someone who sees me for more than my outward appearance. So, you can go now. I’d appreciate it if we could forget this conversation ever happened when we train next. If that’s still available?” She goes to close the door, but I’m standing in the doorway. And my wolf is refusing to let me leave.
“Wait, Emily,” I start, but when I stare into her eyes, there’s a flicker of determination there. Something has shifted in her; there’s a strength in her I didn’t see before. The strength that probably got her away from her piece of shit ex.
“Just go!” she snaps. The tone of her voice takes me by surprise. She was so meek and timid before, I wasn’t expecting her to throw me out on my ass. And as much as I want to fight her on this and make her listen, I know this corridor is busy and I can’t risk someone else seeing her half naked. I'm the only one who gets to see her like this. I raise my hands in a defensive position to show her I don’t mean any harm.
“Okay, I’ll go. But please lock this door after me,” I beg. She must hear the desperation in my voice and nods her head. The last thing she needs is more fucking creeps staring at her. And yes, I’m including myself in that. Fuck, this was a disaster.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Sorry again.” My wolf, somewhat settled that at least no one else will see her, finally allows me to leave the room. The clicking of her lock as soon as she closes the door soothes him further.
He never acted like this with Sarah. I was protective of her, but it was all me in retrospect. I thought she was my mate, but my wolf never urged me to defend her, never growled when other males looked her way. I should’ve noticed how quiet he was. How wrong it all felt.
But I didn't. And my mom and sister paid the price along with five others. It’s been seven years, but I know I don’t deserve to be happy after what I did. It’s another reason I need to stop thinking about how much I want her.
I don’t deserve peace. I don’t deserveher.
But now that I’ve seen her like that—vulnerable, real, and still so damn strong—I know it’s going to be even harder to keep reminding myself of that.
I’m relieved Ryan is still away and Luca is off tonight as I start patrol. My head is a mess and I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone. I manage to get through most of the patrol with the bare minimum of conversation with the warriors on duty. I wrap up around 3 a.m. and head straight to my bed, grateful Luca’s covering training for me in the morning, which means I don’t have to be up until I meet Emily at 11.
But as soon as I start thinking about her, I’m wide awake again. I need to know what’s going on with this girl, and I absolutely need to get over my ridiculous infatuation with her. So what if she’s the hottest thing I’ve ever seen? What does it matter that I’m drawn to her in a way I can’t begin to understand, let alone explain?
She deserves someone good. Someone stable. Someone who will make her feel safe. Not me, after all the damage I’ve caused the pack. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t get to have things like peace. Or joy. Or her.
So why does my wolf howl in pain at the idea of her with someone else? Why do my fists clench when I imagine how I’d treat her—how I’d worship her? How I’d make damn sure she felt nothing but pleasure?
She thinks it’s about how she looks, but it’s not. My wolf wants her. He’s been clear about that since day one. And I want to listen to him, if I could just let go of the guilt and the self-blame and just show her what it’s like to be with someone who sees her. Someone who would never, ever hurt her.
Because maybe I’m not good enough for her—but I’m sure as hell better than the monster who tortured her. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I can’t think straight when it comes to this girl.
Emily is waiting for me today when I get to the training arena. She’s wearing tiny little shorts and an oversized T-shirt knotted on one side. Her toned legs still carry visible scars from her injuries, but they only serve to highlight her strength—and yeah, they’re sexy as hell.
She turns to me, hearing my approach. “Hey,” she says while wrapping her arms around herself. My wolf laments the loss of the easy comfort we briefly enjoyed before I ruined everything last night.
I can’t do the hot and cold thing anymore. It’s not fair to her. So I’m going to attempt to act how I am with people I don’t imagine naked. Straightforward.
“I heard you got signed off by Doc so we’re training in wolf forms today. You can change behind the divider there.” She nods and makes her way to the area I indicated. A few moments later, her tiny white wolf emerges.
It's the first time I've seen her wolf since the night I found her in the woods. The intense green of her eyes is even more electric in this form, as it contrasts against her white fur. She's beautiful. Graceful. My wolf thrashes wildly, wanting to get out to her.
