I’m aware it wasn’t so easy and how isolated I was. But it still stings that I stayed when he was beating me senseless. I developed so many more emotional and physical scars. I still wish I had been stronger. Had recognized the reality of life with Aidan from the start. Maya keeps reassuring me this is how abusers ensnare their victims. She reminds me it wasn’t all bad at the start or even all the time, once things deteriorated.
“It’s hard to see things when they change over time. Aidan wasn’t the monster when you met him. By the time he showed you who he really was, he had already completely isolated you and the line you thought you would never cross kept getting further and further away. Did you know if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out straight away because it knows it’s in danger? But if you put a frog in a pot of tepid water and slowly increase the heat, the frog won’t realize it’s in danger because the change happens so gradually that it is imperceptible. By the time the frog realizes something is wrong, he no longer has the strength to escape.”
I blink. “Are you calling me a frog?”
She grins. “A very resilient frog. But my point is; by the time you saw how awful things were getting, he had already eroded your self-esteem and convinced you that you deserved his abuse.”
When Maya explains things like this, it makes so much sense. It’s hard for even my mind to argue with her logic. And my crazy anxious brainlovesto argue against logic.
“That makes sense. But how do I stop it from happening again? How can I be certain I won’t make the same mistakes again?”
“Well, let’s look for some red and green flags. What were the red flags with Aidan you weren’t aware of at the time but can see now with hindsight?”
I breathe in through my mouth, almost like I need to swallow the strength to even contemplate the early days with Aidan before the abuse started. And even that makes me realize how different things are with Jackson. I was so young and naïve back then and craving love so much; it made me easy to manipulate. I explained away everything as Aidan’s way of showing he cared. Because that’s what he told me to do.
“Well, he didn’t want me spending time with anyone else. He dictated what I wore, what I ate, and where I went. There were lots of backhanded complements, like telling me I was lucky I was so pretty because I wasn’t very smart or strong. He told me I wasn’t supposed to enjoy sex because it was something a female gave to her man as a way of thanking him for providing for her.”
My cheeks burn. I can’t imagine ever settling for scraps of affection like that again. I knew it couldn’t have been right on some level, but he was so damn convincing and I'd never seen a positive relationship to compare it to. But looking back and saying it out loud is humiliating.
Maya simply gazes at me with her soft, nonjudgmental face. It’s the look she adopts whenever I talk about Aidan, and it makes me feel safe to tell her everything. I wish I didn’t have to hide the parts about being a wolf, but I can tell her enough for her to help me. It wasn’t being a wolf that made Aidan abusive.
“He said I was a slut for wanting to orgasm and would stop having sex with me if he thought I might climax. It took a while for me to realize what he was doing because he would blame me, say I wasn’t good enough for him to finish. But now I see it’s because he didn’t want me to be happy. I think that’s what it really came down to. He wanted me miserable.”
Maya nods slowly. “He punished joy. Controlled your self-worth.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “But I didn’t see it. I mean, I did. But I didn’t let myself believe it.”
“And what about Jackson? Does he care about your happiness?”
My face breaks into a smile. Because yes, he definitely does. Jackson would do anything to ensure my happiness. To help me feel loved and safe. Jackson is a walking green flag.
“Your smile and changed body language show a vastly different opinion of how Jackson treats you. Can you tell me, how does Jackson respond if you want to spend time with Sofia?”
“He encourages it. He never asks when I’ll be back or checks in on me.” I leave out how he had me followed by pack warriors before we got together, because that stopped as soon as we got together and he started trusting me. And even then, Mike and Steve had told me he only wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing anything to harm the pack.
“And what about when Jackson compliments you? Does he sandwich his compliments in insults or put-downs?”
I blush, reflecting on the compliments Jackson gives me. The compliments of a sexual nature spring to mind instantly and I go straight to thinking about him telling me I’m a good girl and how well I take his cock. I squeeze my legs together at the reminder of how he picked me up and placed me on the kitchen counter yesterday and told me I was beautiful and perfect before he kissed me. He then made me come until my throat was raw from screaming.
“No, he never says anything mean. Even before we were together, he was keen to focus on my strengths rather than my weaknesses.”
“That’s good, definitely a positive sign. What about during intimacy? Does he prioritize your enjoyment?”
“Definitely.” My face must be as red as a tomato at this point. I press my cooler hands against my cheeks, trying to reduce the heat. Speaking about sex is still weird for me, but Maya very much encourages me to own my sexuality. She has reassured me so many times that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting or enjoying sex, and it’s about my pleasure as much as my partners.
Maya explained how Aidan treated sex as another means of controlling me and keeping my spirits down. We identified that Aidan was likely a sadist who got off on hurting me more than from sex.
“And does Jackson ever shame you for anything you want?”
“No, definitely not,” I have to hold back a giggle even through my discomfort. Jackson loves bringing me pleasure and the only time he says no to me is if I could get hurt.
He couldn’t be more different from Aidan.
“And what about when he’s unhappy with you? How does Jackson respond if you do something that he doesn’t like?” My cheeks actually feel like they could spontaneously combust right now. The memory of how Jackson ‘punished’ me for putting myself indanger by making me come ten times in one night after I had fully recovered from the rejection is in my mind now.
“Okay, well, I can appreciate this conversation topic is making you uncomfortable and I never want to push you too far. We’re extending your comfort zone, not bulldozing through it. You can always tell me if it’s too much, Emily.”
“I know,” I whisper, surprised that I do. I feel safe to say no now.
