I push the heels of my hands into my burning eyes. My heart feels as though it could burst out of my chest. Every emotion I've bottled up over the past few years threatens to bubble up and overflow. Is this really all he thinks of me? That I should settle for someone who can barely spend five minutes in my presence.
“What? No! No, of course not! But you’ve always given back as good as you got! Honestly, I thought you both enjoyed the banter, but if not, can’t you tell him that? It’ll change if he knows it’s upsetting his mate.”
“He is not my mate!” I yell as a hot tear rolls down my cheek. Ryan recoils, his eyes widening as he takes in the pain behind my tears. He pulls me into a side hug and rests his head on mine like he always has. But I don’t want his comfort right now. I push him back and pace the room.
“I never realized it bothered you this much. You always batted everything right back at him. I had no idea he was hurting you so much. I can normally feel strong emotions in the pack, but…” he trails off and shakes his head. “Fates, I’m so sorry, little sis. I’m sorry that this isn’t what you wanted. And you’re right, of course you are. You deserve better. You deserve the sun, moon, and stars. I’m so sorry, but this isn’t just about you. You need to think of the pack, too.”
I pull back to look at him, trying to understand what he means. I shouldn’t have to sacrifice everything I’ve ever wanted for the pack. I can't figure him out. Yeah, I help out a lot with pack stuff,especially because Ryan hasn’t found his mate and Luna yet, but that’s temporary, and it’s not anything special. It could be done by anyone.
I have things I want to do for myself. Things I’ve been holding back on while prioritizing the pack for the past three years. And as much as Lunar Eclipse is everything for Ryan, it’s different for me. This was always temporary for me. The Luna role, while important to the pack, doesn’t suit me. It’s meant for someone softer. An omega, like Emily. It’s about balancing the alpha, not competing with them.
And I want to help Ryan, but the truth is, being the acting luna chips away at me. It’s not who I am.
Maybe that’s part of why Mom left. She couldn’t settle as Luna. Even after all those years. She was an alpha female. The former alpha was her father. But she had to stand by while her mate got all the glory because he was the male alpha wolf. I don’t want to be miserable and unfulfilled like she was.
“I’m not willing to sacrifice my happiness and my entire future for the pack. I understand you would—youdo. But we don’tbothneed to do it.”
“But what if we do?” Ryan asks with a sigh. He slowly runs his hands through his hair and closes his eyes. I take in the dark circles etched beneath them. He looks weary. Like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. It makes me doubt myself. Because even if the pack doesn’t mean the same thing to me as it does to him, he’s my only family.
“What’s going on?”
“Just promise me you won’t reject him yet? Please?” he asks quietly.
“Why?” I ask. Ryan has been acting weird for a while now, and it keeps making less and less sense.
Ryan gazes into space for a long moment before finally answering me. “Because of the omegas. We’re coming up to the date Emily suggested the event would most likely be. I need Luca fighting fit for when we get the go-ahead. It won’t be much longer, and once we get them out, I promise I’ll drop it. I’ll support you in whatever you want to do.”
The reminder hits me like a bucket of ice water. The omegas. How could I have been so selfish? A sobering weight settles in my stomach. Here I am worrying about mate bonds when those omegas are still out there, having goddess knows what happening to them.
I won’t accept Luca as my mate, but Ryan’s right. I can’t reject him yet. Not when there's so much on the line. “Yeah, okay. Of course. I can wait.”
“Thank you. I know I’m asking a lot. I realize it’s not fair to ask this of you, and that I’m doing it anyway. If there weren’t so much at stake… I wouldn’t ask this of you. But there is.”
I nod before squeezing my eyes shut and wishing I could just skip to the next few weeks being over.
Chapter Twelve
Sofia
“So, how are you feeling?” Emily asks as she settles onto the couch and takes a sip of her coffee.
“Ugh, I don’t know,” I say with a sigh. How do I sum up the emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on since finding out Luca is my mate? The coffee warms me as I take a sip, and I blink back the tears that are already forming, hot and heavy. Again.
Goddess, I’m so fucked right now. A bitter laugh bubbles up my throat and escapes my lips. A harsh sound in the cozy warmth of Emily and Jackson’s home.
“Honestly, I’m an emotional wreck. I used to be obsessed with Luca. I crushed on him from the first moment I knew how to crush. But then he left the pack when I was sixteen to go to beta training. Ryan and Jackson got thrown into their roles, with Jackson’s dad dying and mine disappearing. It made sense for one of them to do formal training.”
Emily nods softly, encouraging me to keep talking. She’s the only person I feel as though I can be completely honest with.
“Before he went, he was a different person—so sweet and caring, he always had my back. He was such a support after everythingwith my parents. But then he left and never called or texted, not once. And when he got back, he had turned into someone I didn’t even recognize. He was grumpier with everyone, but he had a special hatred for me. Instead of telling Ryan to let me tag along, he was the one shutting me out. He suddenly couldn’t stand the sight of me, and every chance he got, he told me how little he thought of me. He became mean and cruel. And now I’m supposed to forget all that? Not fucking likely.”
“I get it, Fia, and you’re right. You deserve so much better. Are you still planning to reject him?”
“Yeah, but Ryan wants me to wait and give him a chance. I said I would.” I chew on my lip absentmindedly.
“Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
I grin at her. Emily is the only person in this pack who truly gets me. She knows before I tell her I have no intention of accepting a mate bond with my nemesis.
