She nodded, her eyes shining with unspoken understanding."You're welcome.She’ll be pleased to know you enjoyed it.We do this every year.The Christmas market, I mean."She paused, glancing at me with a hint of hesitation."Actually, did you want to come with?We have a booth there, but you don't have to stay.You can look around.People sell so many different things there.And the hot chocolate—Lucy has the best hot chocolate."
I opened my mouth to say no, ready to retreat back into my solitude.The words were on the tip of my tongue.
But then I looked at her.Really looked at her.
"Yeah," I said, nodding slowly as if testing the word out."Yeah, that'd be nice."
Her face lit up with a smile so bright it could've powered the town's Christmas tree all on its own.It was the kind of smile that made you believe in things you thought you'd left behind.
"Great," she replied, practically bouncing on her feet."We're going to leave when the final batch cools.Maybe twenty minutes?"
"Sounds good," I replied, my voice steadier than I felt.
She beamed again, and for a moment, it felt like everything stopped—the noise of the inn, the chatter of other guests, even my own thoughts.All I could see was her smile and how it made me feel something I hadn't felt in years: hope.
Want.
As she turned to go back into the kitchen, I found myself sitting there, coffee in hand and heart pounding in my chest.This small act of joining her at the market seemed monumental, like stepping out onto thin ice and hoping it would hold.
But as I watched Claire disappear into the kitchen with that radiant smile still lingering in my mind, I realized maybe it was worth the risk even though it terrified the fuck out of me.Even more than Hong Kong.Even more than any place I'd ever been stationed.
I sipped my coffee; the warmth seeping into my bones.What the hell had I done?I should back out, tell her I couldn't go.That it was too much.That I wasn't ready for this kind of interaction.But the thought of disappointing her made my stomach twist in a way that combat never had.
I stared at the dark liquid in my cup, its surface rippling slightly with my unsteady hand.The sensible part of me screamed to walk away, to keep the walls up and remain an enigma in this small town.But there was another part, one that was growing louder each day I spent here.The part that wanted to go with her.
And that realization hit me like a punch to the gut.
I wanted to go with her.I wanted to see her smile again, hear her laugh, and maybe even share a few more moments like the one we'd had fixing those Christmas lights or watching the Christmas tree light up.It was dangerous territory—attachment always led to vulnerability, and I'd sworn off vulnerability a long time ago.
But the idea of retreating back into my shell felt even more suffocating.
I drained the rest of my coffee, the bitterness grounding me in the present moment.I set the mug down and leaned back in my chair, staring out the window at the snow-covered streets.The town looked like something out of a postcard—idyllic and peaceful.
Maybe it was time for something different.Maybe it was time to let a little light in.
I glanced at the clock on the wall—fifteen minutes until we were supposed to leave for the market.Fifteen minutes to decide whether I was going to take this small step toward something new or retreat back into familiar isolation.
My mind raced with a hundred different scenarios, each one more terrifying than the last.But as I stood up and grabbed my jacket from the back of the chair, I realized that despite all my fears and reservations, there was one undeniable truth: I wanted this.
I wanted her.
And maybe that was dangerous, but it was also something I had never experienced before… and I wasn't ready to let that go just yet.
Chapter12
Claire
"You sure you're up for this?"I asked my grandmother as she moved around the kitchen.
She paused, the slight tremble in her hands almost imperceptible."Of course," she said, her voice steady."We do this every year, Claire-Bear.I'm okay."
I bit my lip, remembering last night.But we had an unspoken rule not to dwell on these moments.
"Okay," I replied, forcing a smile."I invited Christian to go with us.I think he'd enjoy getting out."
"Maybe you should invite him to do things that involve staying in," she replied with a mischievous glint in her eye.
"Grandma!"I exclaimed, blushing.
