“He’s incredible.” I don’t feel like that requires any extra explanation. It’s self-explanatory, but also impossible to describe. He’s the one who balances me out. Makes me brave.
“Not why Aidan’s special, but why he’s specialto you.”
“I—he…”Shit.
“I’ll let you work on that one for a bit.”
I go through the rest of my warm-up routine purely through muscle memory. By the time we’re called to the barre, my muscles are warm, but my brain is frozen in place, trying to solve the same problem.
The rest of the morning is on autopilot for me. I get more corrections than I’ve gotten in years in the first hour, before our dance teacher seems to give up and decide that’s all he’s going to get from me today, and leaves me to my errors while he focuses on others.
I pack up my stuff, wondering when I can see Aidan again. Everything always makes more sense when he’s standing in front of me, another fact I should probably think about a little more deeply. It’s like his magic power. Covey calming.
“Come on,” Leo says, grabbing my free arm and dragging me out of the studio.
“Where are we going?” Not that it matters, but I have serious plans this afternoon that involve my couch and a nap.
“Coffee.”
Since I don’t drinkcoffee, the elaborate menu at The Mighty Moose Café is completely wasted on me. They do have a good tea selection, which is helpful since they’re right across the street from the studio and I end up here often. I think I’m probably the only person in the company who doesn’t drink coffee.
Leo, on the other hand, seems all-in on the options. While the barista punches in my order for large mint tea, Leo leans on the counter, examining the chalkboard with drawings ofthe holiday specials. “Is the candy cane mocha the same as a peppermint mocha?”
I shudder to think of the amount of sugar in something like that.
“It’s similar, but we make a special candy cane syrup for it, instead of the usual peppermint.”
Leo seems unsure about it still, returning his gaze to the board.
“It’s good, but if you don’t like it, I can make you something else. Free of charge.” The guy behind the counter peers at us through thick glasses.
“Okay, I’ll take one of those. If you say it’s good, I’ll trust you.” Leo gives the guy a little wink, then turns to grab us a table. It’s too bad because he misses the way the barista’s cheeks pink up at the compliment. I pay, since I’m the one seeking advice, and join Leo at a table in the corner.
We must look ridiculous here, still mostly dressed for class, but with our warmups pulled on. If anyone notices, they don’t seem too concerned. We talk about class for a few minutes, commenting on some of the combinations we did in the center, until my name is called to grab our drinks.
“Your mind’s been churning all morning. What have you figured out?” Leo asks once we’re settled.
“I-I think I want a real relationship with Aidan.” It’s such a relief to say it, to put a voice to everything that’s been running through my mind, to all the emotions that have been swirling through me the last few weeks. My shoulders drop, and the tension I didn’t know I was carrying seems to ease.
“You think?” he asks, taking the lid off his cup and taking a tentative sip. “Oh, that’s good.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I know.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
And isn’t that the million-dollar question?“If I tell him, it could make things weird. He might decide he doesn’t feelcomfortable being my friend, knowing I have a crush on him.” That’s the part I’m willing to say aloud. If he turned me down, I’m pretty sure I would shatter into a million little pieces, scattered around, and impossible to put back together. There’d be no getting over him. As much as I wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend, knowing he’d never return my feelings would slowly break me.
“And if you don’t, you might miss out on the best thing to ever happen to you.”
“Aidan’s already the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” I whisper. I didn’t realize that until now. It’s always been him since that first day of kindergarten. He always claims that I saved him because I’m the one who kicked off our friendship and kept him from being the shy kid that faded into obscurity.
The truth is that Aidan’s the one who’s kept me afloat this whole time. When other kids bullied me for taking ballet, Aidan defended me. When I told my parents I was gay, Aidan held my hand. Whenever I was scared to take the next leap, to move away, Aidan was my life preserver.
What would my life be like without him? Well, I certainly wouldn’t be sitting in a café, drinking tea between professional dance classes. That part I know for sure.
“I think you should tell him that.” Leo leans back in his seat and savors his mocha, as though he’s solved all my problems.
Maybe he has. It’s such a stupidly simple decision. I know it’s the right one, but there’s so much fear swirling through me about what will happen when I do.
