He pushed his chair back from the table and then pulled mine towards him so I was facing him with my knees betweenhis. Putting his knuckle under my chin, he tipped it up so I was looking him in the eyes. Then grabbed my hand with his free one, and looked at me in a way that I felt in the deepest corners of my soul, before ever-so-calmly replying, “Audra. If you’re done, it’s my turn.”
46
DONOVAN
Prior to the confession from Audra, I wanted Theo to leave her alone. After it, I wanted him gone from her life in every aspect. I didn’t know if I had ever wanted to physically hurt someone as much as I wanted to hurt him. My tech connection was building that file for me to have in my back pocket, but given this revelation, I was going to fucking ruin him and his entire family. People like that always had secrets, and I had access to some of the best to uncover them.
I was intimately familiar with the world she was talking about, but the things he said to her, the way he and his whole family made her feel?I was coming for them.No wonder she had been so hesitant about starting anything with me, and why she freaked out at dinner when my parents were so concerned about where she fell on the social hierarchy. Everything made sense because that was one of her traumas materializing. Of course she ran. Fuck, I wish I would have known that before going into it. I would have protected her better. I wouldn’t have even brought her to dinner.
“There’s a lot to unpack there, so I’m going tostart with dinner. The apology at this table should be from me to you. Tonight shouldn’t have happened. I never should have taken you because I knew Evelyn was going to be there, and it was shitty of me to put you in that position. I didn’t know quite how horrific my parents and her would act, but I should have guessed. And then when we were there, we should have left ten minutes in based on their actions. Hell, we shouldn’t have even sat down. I’ve been so conditioned to not respond to their repugnant behavior, to not make a scene, that I slipped back into that space without fully comprehending I was doing it. To be fair, I haven’t had to think about someone else’s perspective in a very long time, but I’m embarrassed that as a twenty-eight-year-old man, I didn’t put a stop to that sooner. So I am deeply sorry.” I paused and waited for her to look at my face, and hoped it conveyed my monumental guilt and regret.
“For what it’s worth, that was the last straw. I am completely done with them, so if this moves forward”—I gestured between us—”you’ll never have to deal with them again.” I wasn’t joking either. I had gone years without seeing them, and had only talked three times, so I was officially cutting my losses.
Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself because the next part was harder to say.
“But beyond that, as for me, do you remember the night at The Yard when I told you I’m not an easy person to know? For many reasons, the walls I have up are a mile high. I’ve been commoditized my entire life, Audra. The only people who haven’t wanted to use me for something are my sister, my nanny, Miles, the guys I used to travel with, and the small group of people I’ve come to know in Savannah Springs. It’s pathetic that I can count them on only two hands. When I say everyone else, I mean that literally. My parents used me forwhatever positive attention, PR, and bragging rights I could bring them. They didn’t give two shits about me as a person, much less their son. Girls and acquaintances used me for money, status, and exposure. In the world I grew up in, everything was transactional, from favors to marriage. So, when you explain what Theo’s parents tried to do? That’s a world I know well because I’ve lived it my whole life. But believe me when I say I want no part of it. Since I’ve run from New York, I have actively tried to forget that it exists. God, I dated and loved someone who sold my private life for months before I realized she was doing it. That’s the last person I let in. Later, I found out that she was on my mother’s payroll, and she was being paid to manipulate and deceive me. But I learned that lesson the hard way.
“As for the baby situation,” I steeled myself for the story. I still had trouble wrapping my head around years later. “My mother and Evelyn were going to attempt to get her pregnant with my child. They were conspiring to roofie me, so I’d sleep with Evelyn in hopes that she’d conceive. How fucked up is that? My own fucking mother was going to have me roofied and raped.”
Audra’s hand flew to her mouth, and her wide eyes welled with tears.
“I’m not even going to get into how fucked up that thought is, or the logistics of something like that actually working, or how many times they would have tried it, but knowing my mother, I don’t doubt it would have gone on until they achieved the results they wanted. Every single day, I thank God they didn’t know McKenna was home the morning they were talking about it. The ovulation strips and GHB were on the fucking kitchen counter. I’ve had plenty of therapy for that one.”
My thumb reached up to wipe her tears.
“I have trust issues that run so deep that sometimes it feels like my life’s mission is to keep everyone at a distance. Yet … yet … I am drawn to you in a way that I can’t explain. Even before the craziest shit in my life went down, I’ve never ever been so at ease with someone. Sure, I was the life of the party for a long time, but that was a front. The list of people I actually let in was … is … so small. The fact that you had obliterated my normal defense immediately was inconceivable. That day I saw you at the flower shop, do you know what I was thinking about when I left?”
She shook her head no with her bottom lip tucked into her teeth.
“I was thinking about how I flirted for the first time in years. YEARS. And with a relative stranger, no less. How I couldn’t wipe the ridiculous smile off my face the rest of the day. How I wished I had your phone number because I wasn’t even back to the office before I looked up what a tablescape was, and I wanted to laugh with you over text about it. How the only thoughts crossing my mind were how different that felt, how easy it was, and how much I enjoyed the hell out of those ten minutes. I wasn’t guessing at the different ways you would try to use me, or what you wanted out of our interaction. It has to sound so stupid to you, but to me, it was everything.
“You askwhy youand the answer is easy—you are simply the best thing that’s ever walked into my life. Everything is better with you around. Pieces of me I haven’t allowed myself to pay attention to in a long time are coming back, and I love it. You’re the most captivating woman I’ve ever met, Audra. And it’s you who scares me, because after only this short while, you see me in a way no one ever has, and you make me feel thingsI’ve never felt. No one haseverhad that kind of power over me. I’m sure you’ve gathered I don’t put myself in a position to be vulnerable, not like this.
“But beyond that, I’m more scared, so damn scared, that you won’t give us a try. Because I think we could have a really good thing here.”
My gaze bounced between her eyes, silently pleading with her to hear me.
“But we are so different,” she tried to argue…
“I couldn’t disagree more,” I cut her off before she kept going. “Our bank accounts might look different, and I only say that because I think that’s a concern for you, but I think our souls speak to each other. In my deepest parts, I know I would spend the rest of my life searching for this with someone else. Which is wild because I’m too damn rational of a man to believe in the notion of soul mates, but I don’t know how else to define this. I know you feel it too; you have to. When we had our first kiss on your porch, Chaos, my world stopped spinning and time stood still. I lost myself in you after one single kiss. That’s once-in-a-lifetime stuff right there.”
“You don’t care about my disaster of a life right now?” she retorted.
“It’s not a disaster,” I argued. “Don’t extrapolate that your whole life is in ruins when you are just in a rough patch. And besides, if I didn’t think you were worth it, I wouldn’t be doing it. Until tonight, I didn’t quite know what I was up against, but I’m not your ex. The world he lives in is one I ran from and rejected years ago. I don’t want that, and I promise I never will. I’m letting you know that I’m going to show up and fight for you every day until you realize you should give me a chance—this thing between us a chance. We probably should have talked with our words instead of our bodies, but to be abundantlyclear, I want to walk off the plane tomorrow with your hand in mine. I’m all in on this, Audra. I want to date you.”
Lifting our hands together, I kissed hers.
“You know I’ve been all over the world. I’ve done things people can only dream of, and some things so outrageous you couldn’t begin to imagine. But in all that time, nothing, and I do mean nothing in this world, compares to how I feel when I’m with you. You have me, Audra King. I’m completely in on this.”
And with that, I leaned in to kiss her lips, and when she didn’t pull away, I took that as a win in itself.
“Donovan,” she whispered, “I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. You are so much more than what you’ve been conditioned to believe.”
Nodding my head, I half smiled at her. But she wasn’t done. Grabbing me with hands on either side of my face, she made me look right into her eyes to hear what she was saying.
“Donovan James Wright, you are so much more than your money and status in this stupid city. Your heart is the best one I’ve ever seen, and you didn’t deserve people using you, or any of the other horrible things that have happened to you.”
Holding my forehead to hers, I closed my eyes. “You make me believe that, Audra. For the first time in a very long time, I believe it. I believe you. So what do you say? Are we going to give this a go?”
