Mawmaw was a steel magnolia, with her southern politeness paired with a tenacious spine. Her love was tidy, measured, often packaged in practicality and correction. But it was love, no question. Deep rooted and unwavering. She gave me and my brother stability after my mom failed us. And most importantly, she was present. Now I have to remember to be present for her while I still can, not distracted by hopes and dreams.
Somehow, among these ponderings, I must fall asleep, because I wake to the sound of someone in the room. Slowly, I crack an eye open to a nurse taking my grandmother’s vitals. I must have slept through her return. A purple cast is wound around her arm and she’s sleeping soundly, her mouth open emitting soft snores.
My phone lies in my lap and I tap the screen to check the time. 11:34 p.m. It’s too late to call for a sub at school, but I can call in the morning. I do, however, need to let my friends know what’s going on. Lisa’s a night owl, so I’m sure she’s awake. Depending on how long I’m here, she might have to help out with Abby and Jay. I check my texts and see one from the group chat I have with Lisa and Penny.
Lisa
Just checking in. Tyler let Penny and I know what’s going on. I’ve already been to your house to get Smudge and I’ll do whatever you need me to do for the kids.
Penny
Jo, how’s your Mawmaw? I know this must have scared you.
My friends and I exchange a few texts back and forth while I update them on my Mawmaw’s fall. Penny offers to pitch in with my kids if they keep my grandmother a few days, and I promise to keep them both updated. I think the conversation is coming to a close when my phone lights up with one more text.
Penny
I’m gonna need to know why he was at your house when you got the call. Kids both gone, and Tyler shows up. Looks suspicious if you ask me. Imma need all the details, stat.
Ignoring that last text, I sit with the reality that Tyler handled all this for me, because of course he thought to let Penny andLisa know. Then I gasp, a hand going to my mouth. Is he still seated in that waiting room? I’m sure he is. The thought of him out there waiting tugs at that thread of hope, but I know what I have to do.
I don’t know why I keep forgetting where my responsibilities lie, where my focus should be. What happened with my grandmother is evidence I can’t lead him on to think we could be anything. I have too much going on, I’m too much for him to get mixed up with. Letting my focus stray from my grandmother allows things like this to happen. And she deserves as much of my time as I can give.
Tyler, on the other hand, deserves someone with less baggage, less mess to constantly clean up. And hewouldcommit to cleaning up after me—there’s not a doubt in my mind. Based on his stories, that’s exactly what he does. I’m sure in his mind, he’s already telling himself we are his new commitment. Eventually, though, he’ll realize I’m too much. Even a man like Tyler must have his limits. The burnout would come and he’d leave. It’s what my father did. It’s what Chad did. My mother is always leaving, and even my brother, in a roundabout way, left me. And every day I’m reminded that my grandmother is also slowly leaving me. I’d be fooling myself to believe Tyler wouldn’t do the same.
He might say he’d never leave. Hell, I’m sure he’d believe the words as he spoke them. But I know how it ends. Because I know who I am and what my life is like.
This is the lie I tell my sinking heart as I snip that tiny thread of hope.
Standing, I cross the room to the hospital bed and press a quick kiss to Mawmaw’s forehead. Stepping into the hallway, I quietly walk to the waiting room. Tyler doesn’t see me at first, so I stand in the doorway, taking him in. He’s sitting, one ankle resting on the top of his knee, reading a book. His glasses slide down his nose, and with his index finger he pushes them back in place.
I think, if I allowed myself, I could fall hard for this man. This kind, caring, supportive man. But that wouldn’t be fair to him or to my kids. Because when he eventually does realize I’m too much, everyone involved would suffer. This is why telling Abby the truth is so hard for me, why I keep putting it off. She’d be hurt if she knew we were keeping this from her, but protecting my children from pain is my job.
Tyler glances up, closing the book he’s been reading when I move further into the room. Taking a seat in the chair across from him, I feel his gaze on me as I work up the courage to meet his eyes.
“How’s your grandmother?” he asks, breaking the silence.
I explain to him what the doctor said, and then fall quiet again, tapping my thumb against my thigh.
“What’s going on, Jo?” Tyler asks, leaning forward propping his elbows on his knees.
“Earlier…what happened back at my house. We shouldn’t have done that.” I force the words from my lips, hating each and every syllable.
Tyler furrows his brow, head cocked to the side. “Says who? From where I sit, it was perfect.”
“Where do you see this going, Tyler? You and me. Because from my experience I’ll tell you where it will go. The relationship will progress, and I’ll end up falling for you. But you’ll become so focused on fixing my life to make it easier that eventually you burn out and realize I’m not worth it. And you’ll leave. That’s where this will go.”
A frown creases his brow as Tyler rears back like my words were a physical blow. “Then you don’t know me at all.”
“No. I don’t. And you don’t know me. Believe me when I tell you that is what will happen, because it’s happened before. I am better off alone. I’ve known this for years, but for some reason I fooled myself into thinking I could try for something with you.” I pause to take a breath. “Trust me. This is what’s best for you.”
“Why don’t you let me decide what’s best for me?”
Squeezing my eyes shut, I force out the words. “We can’t be anything, Tyler. I thought you were just a memory, but here you are back in our lives. But I’m not that fun loving girl you met back then. I’m damaged goods full of abandonment issues. You’re welcome to still hang out with Abby and Jay. Come over as often as you want. But kissing you was a mistake…wanting you is a mistake, and I can’t let it happen again.”
My eyes open to a wounded expression on his handsome face. I know it probably looks like I’m catastrophizing and being reactive. Tyler has done nothing to hurt me, he’s only been present for me since his arrival in Singing River. But hecouldhurt me. And I can never hand that power over to another man again. I just can’t do it.
“I’m sorry. If you want, you can take my car home and I’ll let Lisa or Penny come get me. There’s no reason for you to sit out here waiting.”
