“But you kept calling.”
For what I had to say, I couldn’t look at him. I turned my gaze away and sat in a pew the next row over. “The reason for that is because….” I sighed. “I felt an attraction to him.”
For a moment everything was quiet. Though I knew Clay was still beside me, I turned to look at him.
His eyes were wide and his mouth opened and closed a few times. “But you haven’t—”
“Not since that day, no. After what Jackson did to me, I couldn’t….” I should have been embarrassed saying this to him, but Clay knew me better than pretty much anyone. He nodded knowingly. “I even stopped getting wood in the morning.”
“But you got… aroused by Charlie?”
“Just one time,” I admitted. “But it happened. And not only that, I also like looking at him. He’s big, but I don’t feel at all threatened when he’s near. In fact, that day you guys came out to the house to fix my door, I realized how safe I felt around both of you. I thought I wouldn’t, but when you sat on the swing with me, you seemed to be holding the world at bay.”
Clay smiled at me, got up, and moved closer. The nervousness I’d always thought would be there wasn’t. At least not like I expected it to be. “I’ll always be there for you, Matt. You’re not just my brother—you’re my best friend. You have been forever. I can’t tell you how much it hurt to see you falling apart and not be able to do anything about it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice cracking. “I never even thought—”
“No!” he ground out as he pointed his finger at me. “Don’t youeverapologize. You were a kid, Matt. You never should have had to be concerned with whether a teacher, someone you should have been able to trust, was going to take you out and try to….” He clasped his hands and looked up at the statue of Jesus. His face had gone bright red, and I could see his eyes shine. “It’s not fair,” he said. “The biggest concern you should have had was a zit or whether Marty Hendricks would find his balls and ask you to go to the school dance.”
My gaze snapped up. “How did you—”
He frowned at me and waved his hand. “Please. You mooned over him for more than a year. Mom and I both saw it. For the record, he finally did come out. He moved to California, got married, and he and his husband have a four-year-old daughter.”
I chuckled. “Is there anything you don’t know?”
Clay sat quietly for a moment. “I don’t know how to make it better for you. I never did. You were the reason I went into law enforcement. I wanted to try to help someone the way I wished I could have done for you. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wanted my brother back.”
He stood and held his arms open. The twinges of anxiety were still there, but I reminded myself that Clay’s arms meant safety. I rushed to him and allowed him to hug me.
“I’m trying.”
He stepped back, holding my arms, and stared into my eyes. “I can’t believe I’m going to say this…. I think you should ask Charlie to stay with you.”
He must have seen my shock, because he got a wide grin.
“Yeah, I’m feeling the same way,” he said. “But after what you said, maybe Charlie’s good for you. You’re so much different than you were a few months ago. I know you’re still nervous, and it’s written all over your face, but you’re not manic anymore. You conquered your fears and came here. For him. I have no idea how he feels about you, but maybe it’s not a bad idea to find out.” He looked down at his wrist. “His sister should be here in about an hour. You have to make up your mind what you want. Then decide if you’re willing to go for it.”
And that uncertainty had always been my problem.
“I’M SORRYI crashed on you,” Charlie said, giving me a small grin. “Didn’t know I could be that tired.”
He still looked exhausted. The burns on his face had been dotted with a white cream. They didn’t seem as bad as they had, which I found myself grateful for. I winced when I saw the hand with the cast. His fingertips had turned black and blue and were still swollen.
“Are you in a lot of pain?”
He smiled at me. “I’ve got some medication for pain relief. The doctor said I’ll need it because of the ribs. When he told me they were broken, I had visions of bone chips floating through my body. He said they’re cracked, which is bad enough. Taking a deep breath sucks, but I need to do it on occasion to make sure I don’t get pneumonia or something. It could have been a lot worse than it was, so he says. If I had a newer truck, I might not even have gotten burned when the airbag deployed. Of course, that point is moot. Now I’m going to have to get a new one.”
“I talked to the paramedics,” Clay said. “You have no idea how lucky you were. It took them almost an hour to get to you because where you went down was mostly shale. They had to go very carefully to avoid breaking off chunks that could have done more damage to you and the vehicle. And that tree? You’ll be happy to know that it kept you from falling a lot farther down. All in all, you should be grateful, because a few more feet one way or the other and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
Clay had always been blunt, but telling a person they’re lucky they didn’t die seemed out of character for him. Then I looked in his eyes and saw fear there. He got snappy when he was afraid. I’d been on the receiving end of that often enough. I reached out and touched his arm. He faced me and stepped back.
“I need to get some air,” he snarled, then turned and walked away.
“What’s wrong with him?”
I shrugged. “You probably scared him.”
“Oh, I’m sure I scared myself a lot more. Wouldn’t be surprised if I crapped myself on the way down.”
